i was never a vain person. i am not the type who looks at the mirror every now and then to check on my face. i can dress up in the morning, comb my hair without even looking at the mirror. i guess i was never conscious of how i look. if its the same person looking back, i just don't bother.

but time changes, i can say i changed. although i can still not bother to look in the mirror before i leave the house. i make sure that by the time i get to work the first thing i'd do is fix myself up and see if my hair is okey. i've set up a small mirror in front of me so whenever i get the chance to peek at my hair or my face i can do so without any hassle.

pag sinipag i put make-up on. pero kung hindi naman, i just put on powder and a little lipstick and that's it. its funny how different i am from my two younger sisters. who loves fixing themselves up. they can be super vain and started at a very young age. maybe having a conservative boyfriend since i was in 3rd year high school also have a big factor in my being conservative as well.

low maintenance pa din ako when it comes to dressing up. magastos lang ako sa medicine ko. (insulin and other maintenance meds can be expensive talaga) i don't even put on much glamorous jewelries. i love elegant accessories but i always know my priorities when it comes to spending on these. least priority ko talaga yan. i'd rather buy a book than spending on kikay stuff. nerd! hahahaha

iniisip ko lang kse, panglabas na anyo lang yan. nawawala din yan pagtanda. what's important is your character...how your brain works...and yung laman ng puso. i spent more than half of my life with my hubby. bonus na lang na gwapo ang asawa ko, but you know what's important - yung hanggang ngayon malagkit pa din ang tingin sa akin, na pinagnanasaan pa din nya ako, na tuwing maysakit ako sya ang nagaalaga sa akin. (kahit na di kme "together" so to speak), na pwede kami magusap hanggang madaling araw, na pinapatawa pa din namin ang isa't-isa.

minsan naisip ko...maganda din na binibigyan ng pagkakataon ang tao na ituwid ang pagkakamali. love is truly sweeter the nth time around.

(LeAnn Rimes)

Isn't it a gamble
Layin' your heart out on the floor
Nothin' short of a miracle
When you find the one you're looking for
It's another kind of trouble trying to hang on to who you are
When all you wanna do is lose yourself in someone else's arms
Isn't it a wonder (that) we got this far

Some people aren't lucky like us
Some people they just give up
When the hard times fall
The thrill of it all is gone
Leaves you in a cloud of dust
It's sad to think that some won't find it
And others won't recognize it even when it comes
We're all at the mercy of the will of love
Some people yeah
Some people aren't lucky like us

Two lonely souls that just stumbled into fate
Look how much we've been given babe
In spite of all of our mistakes
And I will never forget I've been blessed with the gift of lovin' you
And when the going aint easy babe
A little faith will pull us through
Thank God we have eachother we can hang onto

To have someone you can laugh with
Someone you can cry with
Tell all your secrets to
To have someone who won't judge you
Someone who just loves you
No matter what, they stand beside you

**********************************

this is for the one who promised Him that he will stand by me forever. thanks for hanging on when i was busy looking the other way. thanks for not hurting me again. ababoooo...

been having a series of deja vu incidents at work recently. its like i've been in that exact scene/ discussion before. weird! the big question is why? what's the scientific explanation behind these things? should it be a warning for me? eh mabuti na lang walang bad incident during these times. ang worry ko lang baka kung warning baka di ko lang maalala yung dream or something tapos malalaman ko na pag tapos na at nangyari na. hayyyy....over thinking again!

in relation to this, do you believe in your instincts/ gut feel? kase ako, i do. merong times talaga na ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib mo and you know something really bad will happen you just don't know when and what. example, when my brother in law died in ozone, that night i watched a movie with my husband and my sister and i was asking them why we didn't invite Jojo along (my bro in-law) may lakad daw kaya di na sinama. pero on our way home i was telling my husband na grabe ang kabog ng dibdib ko. and he just told me not to mind it.

when it happened, hindi ko naisip na may connection yun. until months after. freaky diba? one more example, there was this guy i had a pseudo-relationship with i used to call him up to ask how his day was, then there was this time his phone kept ringing and he didn't pick up. bigla akong kinabahan, only to find out na he went out with another girl that time, ka-officemate pa. shet! syempre hindi sya umamin pero may evidence ako sa journal nya.

whether deja vu or weird instincts - it freaks me out. during these instances mas gusto ko na lang na wala akong maalala or maramdaman. i'd sleep better that way diba? heheheh

have a nice evening friends.

i recently applied for a passport and got it last monday. now flying away from here seem to be more realizable more than ever. but fly where? hehehe my hubby haven't even left yet for dubai. he is just waiting for his visa. and i am waiting for what? hahaha funny, now that i think about it, i applied for a passport with no place to go.

howell, the right place and time will come...sana lang bago sya mag-expire diba? maybe hongkong to shop, or dubai once my hubby is settled there, or U.S. to visit my sis. wherever it is - basta wag muna sa heaven. (teka di naman kelangan ng passport dun diba...nyeheheh)

i've been feeling down lately. can't explain exactly why. tired and stressed out maybe. all i do is work work work. no time for fun. sigh.

he came home really drunk in the wee hours of the morning today. some things never change. he was speaking funny and weird as he was slurring the whole time. he can't even manage to straighten up his head. i hate to see him like this.

what i hate more is when he gets violent. he threw his phone on the floor and smashed our cabinet. for reasons that are too petty for me to understand. he was accusing me of things. true, i was able to protect myself from getting hurt again. but i guess physical pain is no different from the emotional torture that he gives me.

it was 2 in the morning, and i hyperventilated due to the tears i was trying so hard to suppress as i didn't want to wake my kids up. but i had to call for help coz i really had a hard time breathing already. and my sb husband didn't move an inch and went on playing online poker to the detriment of his wife hyperventilating combined with an apparent asthma attack.

i hate his continuous self-pity drama and uncalled for accusations. i can't even understand how he can think of such things when all i fucking do is go to work and feed the whole family. i really wanted to lash out on him but tried my best to remain calm and composed as i didn't want to go to work black and blue today.

i know he does not do this everyday....a good batting average of once or twice a year. i've warned him time and again never to drink too much because of these violent tendencies. but he wouldn't heed my call. i'm beginning to think if my decision of patching things up was a wise one. i don't know how much more of this i can take. and i'm sure being far apart will make things worse.

shit, i hate my life!

"Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate." ~ Meredith Gray (Grey's Anatomy)

these days it's like walking on eggs, him and i. nobody wants to talk about what just happened. for fear that old wounds will freshen up again. i've been watching this starlet who have been violated by her ex-bf. and i got really scared. it happened to me, a number of times in the past and nobody from my family knew abt it as i didn't want to make things worse than it was.

i hardly talk abt this part of my life. although a handful of friends really close to my heart knows abt it...however, what really happened during those times were memories i forcibly stashed out at the corners of my mind. i am afraid of being misjudged by people. so i made a firm resolve to keep quiet.

when i found a way out, i was so happy. but seeing my kids suffer for what happened made my heart melt. it took a long time for me to recover and forgive him. i heard those sweet words before, but after awhile it would happen again. i observed him for three years, he made so much improvement. and was consistently wooing me back. i saw how happy my kids were when he was around. and that made the difference.

he is leaving in a month's time for dubai, and with all the insecurities he kept blabbing about when he was drunk were reasons enough for me to doubt how far can he keep himself from not hurting me. i fear for what he can do to my mind and my heart. for painful accusations against physical abuse can have the same effect on a person.

meredith is right...maybe we are not supposed to be happy. i just have to count my blessings, for making me strong enough to face all these, for making all the sacrifices for my kids. and if in case i lose in this battle, i am proud to say that i fought my way through, to make more people happy - except myself.

courtroom drama

for the first time, i attended the 3rd arraignment re my dad's case in la union yesterday. it was a quick trip which i spent most of the time travelling. i can't afford to be on leave for two consecutive days. (unless i'm really really sick) so i had to make it a one day trip. it was also the first time i met the bus driver who was involved in my dad's accident.

how i felt seeing the man who killed my dad was unexplainable. i felt very weak maybe due to the intense anger that i cannot express. i could hardly breathe or even say a word to him. i was praying really hard for God to give me the strength to forgive this person. coz i know that mankind are innately good natured. i pictured the scene when my dad is pinned in his front wheels and he did not use his breaks but instead dragged him 12 meters away. maybe to make sure that my dad is dead which means less cost to him.

i was crying, trying hard to control hyperventilating and keeping my knees steady coz i feel like i was going to faint anytime soon. my companions did the talking for me. we are expecting that within the week they will settle what needs to be settled to make things easy for both parties. i don't think i can manage to go thru the whole courtroom drama. going thru the morbid details of how my dad died might kill me.

jeepney scene

i noticed a girl with dark shades this morning sitting in front of me. she kept sniffing and wiping her eyes. i knew she was upset about something as she kept looking on her cellphone the whole time. i don't know what came to me but suddenly i had this urge to pray for her. i knew she was about to go to work and i'm sure that it will take so much effort for her to go through her day. i sad a simple prayer for this stranger. that she be strong enough to cope with whatever she is going through, that God guide her through this trial. can't help but empathize with her its difficult enough to handle stress at work what more with personal problems bugging you through your day.

At this moment, there are six billion, four hundred seventy million, eight hundred eighteen thousand, six hundred seventy one people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes all you need is one. ~ One Tree Hill

i've been invited to be one of the principal sponsors in the wedding of one of my staff. it will be held at 7am tomorrow in San Carlos, Pangasinan. sabi nila pang-amoy lupa lang daw ang nagni-ninang sa kasal. funny, coz that was exactly what i thought of before. but then, as i came of age (33 is still barely young to be a ninang right?) being a "ninang" should be an honor and a privilege to be of guidance to the married couple.

i don't know what's with these times, i have 3 people under me who are on the family way. (may virus ata dito sa area namin ) some are getting married some are not. and i fully respect their decision whatever it may be. let it be known that i still believe in marriage. that its not just a piece of paper but rather a sincere commitment to love each other no matter what. but i also believe that it does not work for everybody. different folks, different strokes.

yes, 6 billion people....6 billion personalities...6 billion different beliefs... and its true, that sometimes all you need is one who could truly understand, love and complement you.

this is the third year that i am going to attempt to get the starbucks planner. well, at least this time i somehow have a gameplan how to complete the stickers. one coffee a day will not do me harm i suppose. i should have the planner before christamas if i stick to my plan that is.

i love organizers. ever since i attended this time management seminar when i was still with siemens i have always been kind of OC in organizing my day. aside from the fact that i really need to jot things down due to memory gap. (blame it on being in the delivery room for 5 times and the major surgery i had last year)

i've been using the Franklin Covey Planner for two years. however, i have to change my organizer due to the scarce availability of the refills. the starbucks planner seems alright with me to use. aside from contributing to UNICEF in my own little way i will also be able to plan my days away.

well, good luck to me....

i have an early xmas gift for myself this year. yup, meet ponzi my new buddy. after three years, i have decided to buy a new cellphone. it was a choice between a motorolla v3x and nokia n80. of course, i was impressed with motorolla's sleek phone design available in my favorite color - pink. however, i guess it was basically a battle between functionality and style.

functionality won! and i am loving my new black phone every second. i will just have to add on memory and maybe a bluetooth gadget in the coming months. (or years, gosh this phone is really a luxury for me) why the name ponzi. because i've named it after my new favorite cartoon character pon&zi.



now it would be easier for me to post pics on my blog. yessss!!!

it should be a merry season after all...my team decorated our place and i'd like to share how fantastic our office looks like today.



of course i was the one taking pictures.... but last night had fun with my high school friends. had dinner with them at cpk shangrila then coffee at starbucks....

[img:826646]

at shempre sinama ko si hubby...

[img:826645]

ayos diba?

been doing so much lately. aside from work, i am back to settling the case i filed in court. turned out the SPA i issued my sister was not acknowledged so i had to do things myself. fasttracked everything as i didn't want to waste so much time and money going back and forth la union. i am so overloaded at work as it is, i don't even have time to go back to my diabetologist. sighh...

i often find myself spacing out - been pondering so much on little things. i can be such a scatterbrain sometimes. ugghh. i lack rest and ample sleep. i've been out of town most weekends. i can't even manage to visit my client in bulacan. shoot! there goes my additonal income for the month.

its like waiting for something magical to happen. one swish of a wand and everything will be alright. i know, i should snap back to reality. but let me dream on...i just want to feel better even if its just my imagination right now. i cannot even feel the christmas spirit. i am burdened and i can't pinpoint what exactly could make me feel better.

sighhh...spacing out again........

see the pics i have taken during one of our trips to la union using my n80.

[img:827864]
binky baby

[img:827863]
hubby with jubs and binky

[img:827862]
father and daughter

i am seven stickers away from having the much coveted starbucks diary. it would be my first time if ever. and i'm very excited. hahahah. parang bata eh noh. well, kinarir ko ba naman eh. i have my lunch there para sigurado na i have at least one cup a day.

swerte when my friends and i had coffee at timog. that's four stickers in one day. wala lang, nakakaaliw lang na i'm looking forward to something and i'm abt to get it in a few days time. (giggles)

okey, enough of that nonsense. dami pa din work. kakapagod. sighhh...gusto ko magbakasyon ng matagal na matagal na matagal na matagal. hehehe ang tagal nun diba? gusto ko sa beach or somewhere with a relaxing view. kelan kaya pwede. gusto mo sumama? heheheh