"Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate." ~ Meredith Gray (Grey's Anatomy)

these days it's like walking on eggs, him and i. nobody wants to talk about what just happened. for fear that old wounds will freshen up again. i've been watching this starlet who have been violated by her ex-bf. and i got really scared. it happened to me, a number of times in the past and nobody from my family knew abt it as i didn't want to make things worse than it was.

i hardly talk abt this part of my life. although a handful of friends really close to my heart knows abt it...however, what really happened during those times were memories i forcibly stashed out at the corners of my mind. i am afraid of being misjudged by people. so i made a firm resolve to keep quiet.

when i found a way out, i was so happy. but seeing my kids suffer for what happened made my heart melt. it took a long time for me to recover and forgive him. i heard those sweet words before, but after awhile it would happen again. i observed him for three years, he made so much improvement. and was consistently wooing me back. i saw how happy my kids were when he was around. and that made the difference.

he is leaving in a month's time for dubai, and with all the insecurities he kept blabbing about when he was drunk were reasons enough for me to doubt how far can he keep himself from not hurting me. i fear for what he can do to my mind and my heart. for painful accusations against physical abuse can have the same effect on a person.

meredith is right...maybe we are not supposed to be happy. i just have to count my blessings, for making me strong enough to face all these, for making all the sacrifices for my kids. and if in case i lose in this battle, i am proud to say that i fought my way through, to make more people happy - except myself.