"Grief makes a tunnel of our lives, and it is all too easy to lose sight of the other people in the darkness with us - to wish they weren't there, so their loss would stop rubbing up against ours." ~ From the book The Scent Keeper

The reality of this pandemic have hit close to home recently. I lost my sister in law who was a frontliner in a government hospital. She was just 44 years old. She had a 4 week battle in the ICU intubated. Honestly, we were hoping against hope that she would make it. She was a fighter and healthy. We made her promise that she does her best to get well so she can cook spaghetti for the kids.

She loves my kids like her own. She has a son but still, her love for her family was boundless. I never thought I would grieve this much from losing someone not my blood relative. Maybe because I always gave myself a deadline. Like I would be the first to go. But this hasn't happened. I kept losing loved ones, young and old. I lost both my parents already. I lost a brother in law early on. He too was close to me.

The reality of death, of the feeling that you can't reach out to them anytime you want. That you can't breathe the same air as they do. That all of them have ended pain and suffering on earth. Yet, you mourn and grieve. You cry ugly everytime you remember them and the memories they have left behind. My heart is broken and maybe time will come when the pain from losing them will also just be a memory.

I love you tol! May you rest in God's loving arms.

Currently listening to: Crossover playlist on Spotify
Currently reading: Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
Currently feeling: sad
Posted by princess_bride on September 10, 2020 at 07:46 AM | dance with me

Kept coming back to this blog but couldn't bring myself to write anything sensible. My brain is mush. So much noise in it, can't seem to focus. I guess I just need to go back to my books.

"Books are the mile markers of my life." ~ Leni (The Great Alone)

Currently listening to: noise
Currently watching: your name
Currently feeling: blank
Posted by princess_bride on August 5, 2020 at 04:35 PM | dance with me

So ok, I have mentioned about having a new boss and an expanded role. We already had a few 1:1 calls and sometimes I feel like he is just too good to be true. He is so professional and kind and nice. I wasn't expecting it. My ex boss prepped me and told me to be on my toes as my new boss was known to be straight forward, frank and can be ruthless. But so far I haven't felt that way. He is conscious of my work time. Although we still have evening calls (can't help that, he is in the US) But everytime we end the call he'd say for me to go to sleep and stop working so late. hahaha

He always tells me that I am still in the learning curve and not to pressure myself to deliver anything as he understands that I am new to the role and that I need to adjust. His expectation is for me to learn and observe in preparation for fall plan and transformation strategies for next year. Sometimes I wonder do I deserve this? I guess I was just used to feeling left out before working amongst Doctors, Nurses, Safety Professionals that it took time for me to blend. I am the only finance person in the team reporting to the Director who is a Doctor. So imagine my struggle to always find ways to prove that even with a different background I can help with global strategies and improving process flows. It worked towards the end and then I was transferred.

I feel like my previous role was in a tough working environment. Those who shine in my boss' eyes were all in the medical field. And no matter how hard you work, it will never be enough. I never felt this in my previous employers. I have always been my boss' favorite. Not because I kiss ass, but because I work extra hard. Yet all of them have the same background as  I do. In accounting and finance. So yeah maybe there's that. I really don't know. I hope it's different this time. It's still the same although the team have more generic backgrounds as I am part of the bigger umbrella of the organization.

I hope it's different. And while I am here, while I still try to blend yet again, I will just dance.

Currently reading: Becoming - Michelle Obama
Currently feeling: hopeful
Posted by princess_bride on May 21, 2020 at 10:37 AM | dance with me

I just remembered I celebrated my 5th year in my current employer last February. And as the adage says, it was a roller coaster ride. I had to deal with a few difficult personalities but was able to pull through. I was doing different work from what I was used to. And the environment was different as I was reporting to a boss who was not familiar with my line of work. It was a tough few years. And then I got involved in a project which I lead. Then skilled up to be an ISO auditor.

Being part of the global leadership team of this specific business unit has a lot of challenges. And it seems like you are constantly trying to evolve to keep up. One, most of our headcount are essential because of legal requirements but the business doesn't seem to see value in what we do....that is until COVID. Now they realize how the team is bare skin and bones due to the transformation over the years.

And then I was transferred just recently to a new boss. They have expanded my role and now a member of 2 global leadership teams. It was supposed to be a promotion until COVID. Everyone now is trying to be wise with managing financials. I won't complain. As long as I have a job since I have to support my family now being the sole bread winner. Tough times indeed. The new normal. (hate that term)

Still adjusting with the new organization. Had webex calls with the other managers to learn about the operations on their specific geographies. I honestly am quite unsure about things now. I just feel like after all the effort of learning the ropes of my prev org now I need to adjust and learn again. Again, shouldn't be complaining really. Just scared of the uknown I guess.

There is a lot of uncertainty all around. It gets me anxious. I try to be more mindful and resilient. I got to survive this.

Currently reading: Becoming - Michelle Obama
Currently feeling: anxious
Posted by princess_bride on May 19, 2020 at 12:08 PM | dance with me

After having lunch in the US a few weeks ago at P.F. Chang's they gave me a fortune cookie and it says:

"You will move to a wonderful new home within the year."

Not really sure what that means initially. I don't think it's literal because we have no current plans of moving out of Mandaluyong even if we have our own place now in Cavite. Manda is just so accessible, can't give that up just yet. It seems like it's career related. Maybe a new Company?

Until, a few weeks ago my boss from the US called me up. She was having a strategy meeting in NY and shared with me that they were planning to move me to a new boss, handling bigger responsibilities. She said it is a promotion. I wouldn't get ahead of myself and celebrate this early until it's official. So maybe this is what my fortune cookie meant?

Anyhow, I'd like to claim about the good things to come. Please Lord let this be it. If this is Your will, please grant my hearts wishes.

Currently listening to: No Direction - Rachel Yamagata (One Spring Night OST)
Currently reading: It's not your money - Tosha Silver
Currently watching: Crash Landing On You
Currently feeling: hopeful
Posted by princess_bride on February 11, 2020 at 09:59 AM | dance with me

It has been 8 years since that trip. Wow, that long! And the memories were just like yesterday. I remember the note I have typed on my phone for him to read. And the tears along that message. Didn't think I'd cry that much, the feelings were just raw and unadulterated. It has always been good until someone comes along. I couldn't blame him, I wasn't free as well. There were a lot of good times. And I guess those are the ones I wanted to keep and treasure. I could only wish that it was the same for him.

Last week I have been watching this kdrama series on netflix - One Spring Night. The whole time it just keep on reminding me of him, of that part of my life with him. It was indeed special. The OST, the lead actor's boyish grin, half smile, shy glances, the story line...everything and it just all came rushing back. After 8 years, why? Your guess is as good as mine. Sigh

******************

Been on biz travel since the 14th. US for 4 days and then now in Rio, Brazil. I just want to go home.

******************

"No sign of trouble lately
Always the same routine
The days are running me
We're waiting on inspiration
Fighting for room to breathe
Wanting something we can't see
All I am I've been before
And all I want is something more
Is it you?
I keep on asking the question
And it all comes back to you
Who gets to say what's right?
Is it you?
I'm lost in this connection
And I have to follow through
I see the signs of warning
But my heart is set on you"
~ Is it You (R. Yamagata)

Currently listening to: Is it You - Rachael Yamagata
Currently reading: It's not your money - Tosha Silver
Currently feeling: curious
Posted by princess_bride on January 29, 2020 at 04:08 AM | dance with me

i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. i just want to pull my hair out. or worse, do something really drastic just to escape from this predicament. and whatever rant i make, i still just feel so alone and hopeless. i kept praying for a miracle but it is like it's falling on deaf ears. i am desperate and in a desolate place. what to do? where to go?

i need an escape route. i want out. =(

Currently reading: A Gentleman in Moscow - Amor Towles
Currently feeling: depressed
Posted by princess_bride on December 18, 2019 at 03:22 PM | 2 danced with me

i came upon a fork in the road

and chose the one that isolated myself from you

it took a while to get to that point

where there was no turning back

it was years when my heart kept giving

until there was no more left to give

ultimately felt i couldn't give enough

inspite of all the love and giving

ultimately felt i needed to give that space

for you to grow and meet someone

who has more than enough to give.

~ GP

Currently listening to: can you hear my heart?
Currently reading: A Gentleman in Moscow - Amor Towles
Currently feeling: creative
Posted by princess_bride on December 11, 2019 at 01:24 PM | dance with me

day by day i realize

everything i miss about you

was never there in the first place

~ the person i fell in love with was a mirage

The Sun and Her Flowers by Rupi Kaur

Currently listening to: Circles - Post Malone
Currently reading: A Gentleman in Moscow - Amor Towles
Currently feeling: busy
Posted by princess_bride on December 9, 2019 at 10:26 AM | dance with me
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