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August 7, 2018

You're home

I miss you Mom. Everyday.

But you're home.

Teach us to let go.

Guide us so we can accept that you're gone

Because you are where you are supposed to be.

I love you Mommy.

{ music } supermarket flowers - ed sheeran
{ mood } grieving


Written by princess_bride at 11:51 AM.

2 danced with me



July 16, 2018

Acceptance

There are things I miss

that I shouldn't

and those I don't

that I should.

Sometimes we want

what we couldn't --

sometimes we love

who we could.

~ Lang Leav, Lullabies


Written by princess_bride at 08:41 AM.

dance with me



July 9, 2018

what's left of yesterday

“Maybe the truth is there's a little bit of loser in all of us you know, being happy isn't having everything in your life being perfect. Maybe it's about stringing together all the little things. Making those count more then the bad stuff. Maybe we just get through it and that's all we can ask for.”
Ann Brashares, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Over the weekend, I have been binge watching on old movies I haven't watched before. Found myself crying, laughing, sympathizing, singing....a roller coaster of emotions to be exact. Most parts I was crying, I miss my Mom. I miss my Dad too. I miss you. After all these years, I still find myself thinking about you. Thinking about what is left of yesterday. Nothing I guess. Except for the special moments and memories. So I'll string that together and make it count. Even if this so-called friendship is close to none.

I think I'm fine knowing that you're happy and healthy. I would've wanted more, I mean not like before. Maybe just a chance to say hi or hello, sharing music and talk about what's going on with our lives. But I guess that's asking too much. So all I can do is pray for a blessed life for you and reminisce on happy moments on my own. I think that counts....the memories. It is more than I could bargain for. And at this point, that's enough.

“Maybe there is more truth in how you feel than in what actually happens.”
Ann Brashares, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

{ music } Malaya - Moira dela Torre


Written by princess_bride at 11:06 AM.

dance with me



June 1, 2018

birth month

Well hello June!

I agree with some of the folks here when they say it's getting harder and harder to write these days. Although I lurk around everyday, read some posts, open my control panel, try to think of something to post and then eventually hit on exit. Oh well, at least I'm here now trying my best to draft something on my birth month.

Shux tanda ko na! hahaha. Although at this point in my life, I can say I'm happy. Of course maraming "buts" and "ifs" but I'd rather not dwell on those now. (being human and all) Honestly, naghahanap ako ng way to distract myself from negativity. It seems like these are in abundance these days. Nakakapagod and nakakasuya. Come on life is short. Sayang ang oras na maging nega. So many things and people around to be thankful for. And of course andyan si God na walang sawang umiintindi sa atin.

What can I say, aside from being thankful for everything, I just miss my Mom and Dad. Sometimes I get to ponder if they regret having me as a daughter. I haven't been the most obedient one. But I'd like to believe during their last days on earth somehow nakabawi naman ako sa mga pagkukulang ko. I wish they were still around. Not for me but for my kids and my nieces and nephews. Iba pa din kasi pag may Lolo and Lola.

Ending this wishing everyone love and light. Let's spread positivity. When confronted with options, always choose to be kind.

{ music } I'll be there - Jess Glyne
{ book } Awaken the giant within - Tony Robbins
{ mood } happy


Written by princess_bride at 09:37 AM.

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April 26, 2018

bereaved

After almost 4 months in the hospital, my Mom passed away last March 31. She fought for her life long and hard. Been in and out of the hospital since November last year. Cardiac arrest last December 12 and it spiraled down from there. I am just relieved that she is not in pain anymore. Although I really miss her so much, wala nang umaaway sa akin. We may not have the typical mother - daughter relationship, I still loved her no matter what. I hope she is happy wherever she is. Everything is just so fresh, my heart still aches thinking that she's gone. I love you Mommy!

{ music } you are the reason - calum scott
{ mood } melancholy


Written by princess_bride at 04:47 PM.

4 danced with me



March 22, 2018

thin place

thin place is a term used for millennia to describe a place in time where the space between heaven and earth grows thin and the Sacred and the secular seem to meet.

#####

it's not everyday that we encounter our "thin place". yesterday, i encountered mine in the most inconspicuous place - in a spa. i got the package SP 2 which had body scrub and body massage. so had to do the body scrub first and the lady named Angel who did it, hooked me into a very engaging and enlightening conversation. and for some reason i just felt His presence and that everthing happens for a reason.

i have been feeling desperate the past few days. really - when it rains it pours. and here this lady was sharing about her recent experience of losing her home to a fire, where her kids had to live with her in laws until she and her husband can find a way to rebuild their home. and it was a third of a seemingly continuous bad luck she was having since the start of the year. her youngest had dengue and had heart complications, and then she met a road accident and then the fire.

somehow, i share in her desperation. since my Mom is in the hospital for more than 3 months now and not having any significant development neurulogically. and then our financial woes at home because of this. everything just seem to be such a burden. and i'm running out of ideas how we can survive. the lady named Angel was an inspiration. she may have been human for the first few weeks of her predicament but she had to stand strong and make all effort to fight.

i just felt it. it was a message, that we all are going through bad bumps in our lives. that He wanted to comfort me and hear His message through Angel. she said, "di naman tayo bibigyan ng pagsubok na di natin kaya lusutan." so cliche yet so profound.

Thank you Lord for sending an Angel.

{ mood } grateful


Written by princess_bride at 09:47 AM.

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March 14, 2018

perfect world, not

I would just like to vent today. Never a fan of office politics but you really can't get away with it. There is this certain group who was a challenge to deal with from the start. I don't think its personal but I truly believe it has something to do with people I'm connected with whom they dislike.

I will be having a meeting with them tonight and I always dread the days I need to interface with them. Ok, I realize it is something I cannot control. So I need a change in perspective. (insert expletives here)

{ music } The Middle - Zee, Marren Morris, Grey
{ show } Hospital Ship
{ mood } anxious


Written by princess_bride at 10:28 AM.

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March 12, 2018

deficient

I have been doing some introspection the past few months. I realized how insufficient I am in a lot of things and in a lot of facets of my life - Cognitive, Psychological, Spiritual, Physical, etc. For some of them, I could do something about it and I am currently trying to plan how to nourish those of which I am deficient.

For one, I think I haven't maxxed out my brain functionalities. And I honestly feel that I need to do some brain exercises to make me intellectually fit. How do I address this? Well, I want to go back to school - take an MBA or try to get a certifcation as a CMA (Certified Management Accountant). Easier said than done. I need resources for this and currently, with 3 kids still in school, I am not sure I can afford time and money on this right now. So to mitigate this, I am taking some short courses to get my brain back to learning stuff. I recently learned that there is a study that for your brain to be fit you will also need to do some physical work outs. Also, some cognitive exercises available in some apps e.g. Luminosity

Psychological - I guess the target is to develop my psychological flexibility. Learn new things everyday. (e.g Learn a new word, a historical date, a bit of trivia, etc.) Do something differently often. (e.g. if you drink coffee using your right hand, try using your left hand for a change) Change familiar routines. (e.g. have tea instead of coffee, read a book instead of watching a korea novela, etc.) Get out of my comfort zone. (do a harder crossword puzzle, learn a new hobby, etc)

Spiritual - I am not a hardcore church goer or what not. But I feel so disconnected with Him and I feel I had to do something about it. I chanced upon a friend sharing in facebook a "Living Lent Daily" subscription from the Loyola Press. I have also subscribed to their 3 minute retreat and found it very enlighterning. The daily reading is definitely food for the soul and I am happy to set aside a few minutes of my time for this reflections.

Physical - I have so many health conditions and wouldn't even know how to start fixing them. Mostly, fixing involves taking a lot of meds and seeing a lot of medical specialists which is kind of a reactive approach. I want to do it differently. I need to inject some daily exercises into my schedule. I have a lot of reasons not to but I should make time for this. Also, I need to invest in some helpful nutrition supplements. And try to change my lifestyle. Good luck on that. Hahaha

I should remember: Think well, act well, feel well, be well.

{ music } Rewrite the stars - Zac Efron, Zendaya
{ show } Hospital Ship
{ mood } determined


Written by princess_bride at 04:45 PM.

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December 20, 2017

a fork in the road

My family and I are facing the most difficult and painful decision in our lives. My Mom is in coma and on life support for exactly one week yesterday. I have 3 younger siblings and being the eldest it seems like the brunt of the decision making is on me. Or so I thought. We have been fighting like crazy, arguing how to move forward with Mom. 2 on 2 so we are on lockdown. Whether to proceed with trachaeostomy and putting a peg on her tummy or just pulling the plug. She has very minimal brain activity and have been severely damaged due to the 20 minute revival procedures done to her in the ER. She had a series of seizures and could have added up to the current brain damage she has.

Yesterday she had very minimal corneal reactions and she can slightly breathe on her own but not totally without the ventilator on her. My heart is very weak as it is. I cannot keep this combative state with my sisters if I want to live longer. I just pray now for discernment and for peace in our hearts. May we make the best decision for my Mom. May God continue to perform His daily miracles. Whatever is good in His perfect time.

{ mood } heartbroken


Written by princess_bride at 11:27 AM.

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