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October 16, 2018

blank white

I have been staring at this blank white space for quite some time now. Not really sure what to write about. So many boring things happening in my life right now. Hahaha..like work. Ughhh....sometimes I hate being an adult. Can I just spend a day not thinking about anything but having fun? Hmmm even when I travel I need to get to work. Coz bills you now. They come in like clockwork....Sigh.

Well, what's stopping me? I can say anything under the sun here. Nobody cares anyway. (and nobody knows me) Hahaha. Sometimes you are just so used in putting up this front. I was watching this kdrama the other day and a quote there struck me somehow. "Just because you're not crying doesn't mean you're not sad. Just like how smiling doesn't mean you're happy." So boom yeah! Story of my life! Hah!

I was crying like crazy over the weekend. I know it's definitely not PMS. I miss my Mom. But I cried in secret. I didn't want people to find out I'm such a mess. I don't know, I'm not that close to my Mom. We fight so much and don't agree most of the time. But I guess what they said it's true. It's different when you lose your Mom. I lost my Dad years ago he figured in a motorcycle accident. It was painful too. But I don't know, losing my Mom is like losing such a big part of myself. Even if we don't agree on anything, she was such a big influence in my life. I am me now because of her. My work ethics, my discipline, my values, etc. I have always been trying hard to over achieve to meet my Mom's high standards hahaha. And it helped me a lot. It helped me grow as a person and as a professional. Sigh I just wish she was still around and I could just try to be more patient with her. I miss you Mommy!

{ music } I'm still here - Sia
{ book } Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy - Sheryl Sandberg
{ show } Radio Romance - Kdrama
{ mood } blah


Written by princess_bride at 07:59 AM.

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September 20, 2018

Balance

LIFE IS A BALANCE OF HOLDING ON AND LETTING GO.

"We heal our minds when we remember happy times and let go of bad memories..

We heal our souls when we pray not only for those we love but also for those who may hate us..

We heal our hearts when we truly forgive and allow peace to reign in our hearts..

Quit worrying about how everything is going to turn out..

Live one day at a time, better yet, make the most of this moment..."


Written by princess_bride at 09:58 AM.

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September 10, 2018

hanggang ngayon!!!

When your crush does something cute and you're just sitting there like "really? are you trying to kill me?"

That effing boyish smile though! And that drunken song! Nyeta parang teenager lang the feels! Leche! Hanggang ngayon ang layo ko na sayo and ang tagal na walang communication, talaga naman! Tigilan ko na kse ang stalking! Just kill me now! Ang tanda ko na para sa ganito! hahahah

{ music } how deep is your love - zz padilla
{ book } p.s. i love you - jenny hann
{ mood } amused


Written by princess_bride at 11:20 AM.

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August 7, 2018

You're home

I miss you Mom. Everyday.

But you're home.

Teach us to let go.

Guide us so we can accept that you're gone

Because you are where you are supposed to be.

I love you Mommy.

{ music } supermarket flowers - ed sheeran
{ mood } grieving


Written by princess_bride at 11:51 AM.

2 danced with me



July 16, 2018

Acceptance

There are things I miss

that I shouldn't

and those I don't

that I should.

Sometimes we want

what we couldn't --

sometimes we love

who we could.

~ Lang Leav, Lullabies


Written by princess_bride at 08:41 AM.

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July 9, 2018

what's left of yesterday

“Maybe the truth is there's a little bit of loser in all of us you know, being happy isn't having everything in your life being perfect. Maybe it's about stringing together all the little things. Making those count more then the bad stuff. Maybe we just get through it and that's all we can ask for.”
Ann Brashares, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Over the weekend, I have been binge watching on old movies I haven't watched before. Found myself crying, laughing, sympathizing, singing....a roller coaster of emotions to be exact. Most parts I was crying, I miss my Mom. I miss my Dad too. I miss you. After all these years, I still find myself thinking about you. Thinking about what is left of yesterday. Nothing I guess. Except for the special moments and memories. So I'll string that together and make it count. Even if this so-called friendship is close to none.

I think I'm fine knowing that you're happy and healthy. I would've wanted more, I mean not like before. Maybe just a chance to say hi or hello, sharing music and talk about what's going on with our lives. But I guess that's asking too much. So all I can do is pray for a blessed life for you and reminisce on happy moments on my own. I think that counts....the memories. It is more than I could bargain for. And at this point, that's enough.

“Maybe there is more truth in how you feel than in what actually happens.”
Ann Brashares, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

{ music } Malaya - Moira dela Torre


Written by princess_bride at 11:06 AM.

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June 1, 2018

birth month

Well hello June!

I agree with some of the folks here when they say it's getting harder and harder to write these days. Although I lurk around everyday, read some posts, open my control panel, try to think of something to post and then eventually hit on exit. Oh well, at least I'm here now trying my best to draft something on my birth month.

Shux tanda ko na! hahaha. Although at this point in my life, I can say I'm happy. Of course maraming "buts" and "ifs" but I'd rather not dwell on those now. (being human and all) Honestly, naghahanap ako ng way to distract myself from negativity. It seems like these are in abundance these days. Nakakapagod and nakakasuya. Come on life is short. Sayang ang oras na maging nega. So many things and people around to be thankful for. And of course andyan si God na walang sawang umiintindi sa atin.

What can I say, aside from being thankful for everything, I just miss my Mom and Dad. Sometimes I get to ponder if they regret having me as a daughter. I haven't been the most obedient one. But I'd like to believe during their last days on earth somehow nakabawi naman ako sa mga pagkukulang ko. I wish they were still around. Not for me but for my kids and my nieces and nephews. Iba pa din kasi pag may Lolo and Lola.

Ending this wishing everyone love and light. Let's spread positivity. When confronted with options, always choose to be kind.

{ music } I'll be there - Jess Glyne
{ book } Awaken the giant within - Tony Robbins
{ mood } happy


Written by princess_bride at 09:37 AM.

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April 26, 2018

bereaved

After almost 4 months in the hospital, my Mom passed away last March 31. She fought for her life long and hard. Been in and out of the hospital since November last year. Cardiac arrest last December 12 and it spiraled down from there. I am just relieved that she is not in pain anymore. Although I really miss her so much, wala nang umaaway sa akin. We may not have the typical mother - daughter relationship, I still loved her no matter what. I hope she is happy wherever she is. Everything is just so fresh, my heart still aches thinking that she's gone. I love you Mommy!

{ music } you are the reason - calum scott
{ mood } melancholy


Written by princess_bride at 04:47 PM.

4 danced with me



March 22, 2018

thin place

thin place is a term used for millennia to describe a place in time where the space between heaven and earth grows thin and the Sacred and the secular seem to meet.

#####

it's not everyday that we encounter our "thin place". yesterday, i encountered mine in the most inconspicuous place - in a spa. i got the package SP 2 which had body scrub and body massage. so had to do the body scrub first and the lady named Angel who did it, hooked me into a very engaging and enlightening conversation. and for some reason i just felt His presence and that everthing happens for a reason.

i have been feeling desperate the past few days. really - when it rains it pours. and here this lady was sharing about her recent experience of losing her home to a fire, where her kids had to live with her in laws until she and her husband can find a way to rebuild their home. and it was a third of a seemingly continuous bad luck she was having since the start of the year. her youngest had dengue and had heart complications, and then she met a road accident and then the fire.

somehow, i share in her desperation. since my Mom is in the hospital for more than 3 months now and not having any significant development neurulogically. and then our financial woes at home because of this. everything just seem to be such a burden. and i'm running out of ideas how we can survive. the lady named Angel was an inspiration. she may have been human for the first few weeks of her predicament but she had to stand strong and make all effort to fight.

i just felt it. it was a message, that we all are going through bad bumps in our lives. that He wanted to comfort me and hear His message through Angel. she said, "di naman tayo bibigyan ng pagsubok na di natin kaya lusutan." so cliche yet so profound.

Thank you Lord for sending an Angel.

{ mood } grateful


Written by princess_bride at 09:47 AM.

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