Tenderness (Noun) - gentleness, kindness, feelings of deep affection/ devotion

I went back in time again and reminisced. I remember someone telling me that he will always remember the tenderness between us. So which kind of tenderness was it, I wonder. Gentleness? Kindness? Feelings of deep affection/ devotion. Hmmm one word with multiple meanings. Well, I have to admit he had a tendency to be ambiguous. Not sure why. I mean, when want to be understood, wouldn't you want to be straightforward? 

Anyway, just wanted to go back on the beautiful memories for now. Because that is all I have. (And the painful ones too, but I don't want to dwell on those). What else do I remember and memories that I tend to go back often? Ahh, you said you missed me one time. How can I forget? It was a text message I got out of the blue. I was letting you go that time. I had to stand my ground. It is selfish for me to stay and it is painful for me to see that someone else is already getting your attention. So before you break my heart again....I let you go. 

I don't know if you remember, we were eating one time and you were looking forward to places you would take me to. The one in Ortigas was one...to eat burgers. I was looking forward to it. But I guess we didn't get that far. Ah, also, one time we were having late lunch, you served me my meal (that was pasta in a restaurant in Trinoma). I love how it feels like you were taking care of me. But was too scared to misinterpret it. I said to myself, you were just being nice. 

And the best part would be our intimate moments without any labels or anything. We just needed a warm body to comfort us during our loneliest times I guess. For me, that's a lie. But I know even without saying it, that you were aware of the truth. But didn't want to acknowledge it. Because I will just be someone you will have an affair with and nothing more. You told me that. And it f*cking hurt. 

However, we have our own lives now. After so many years, I just can't seem to forget you. And I just have this feeling that we will never see each other again. It's sad but I think it's for the best. Naked truth? I would give anything just to see you one more time. Universe, help me please. I need closure. 

Currently listening to: noisy AC
Currently reading: The Wife Upstairs - Rachel Hawkins
Currently feeling: hopeful
Posted by princess_bride on September 24, 2021 at 10:04 PM | dance with me

(Sam Smith)

Hmm
Think about your lips and the way they kiss
There's so much I really miss about you
Sitting on the beach, you were still in reach
And I haven't felt free without you
All of the memories feel like magic
All of the fighting seemed so sweet
All that we were, my love, was tragic
And you're the last thing that I need
So I lay a dozen roses for the lover that I've lost
I stand by all my choices, even though I paid the cost
Oh, all those nights, the lows and highs, I share them all with you
So I lay a dozen roses, I lay them there, I lay them there for you, mm
You've been on my mind, every single night
I can't visualize life without you
I've been tryna go a week without losing sleep
But there's something that I need to go through
All of the memories feel like magic
All of the fighting seemed so sweet
All that we were, my love, was tragic
And you're the last thing that I need
So I lay a dozen roses for the lover that I've lost
I stand by all my choices, even though I paid the cost
Oh, all those nights, the lows and highs, I share them all with you
So I lay a dozen roses, I lay them there, I lay them there for you, oh, oh
So I lay a dozen roses for the lover that I've lost
I stand by all my choices, even though I paid the cost
Oh, all those nights, lows and highs, I share them all with you
So I lay a dozen roses, I lay them there, I lay them there for you
Currently reading: Ninth House
Currently feeling: musing
Posted by princess_bride on August 8, 2021 at 07:24 PM | dance with me

hmmm it took a while for me to write again. been busy and not in the mood to write really. but i think it is just noteworthy so i had to put this in writing so i can look back at the good things and the blessings happening this year. i did mention in my previous entry that 2021 is my year, and indeed it is. hubby's been winning "ending" and have won at least 20k already just using my birthday. how awesome is that right? not only that, i got my long awaited promotion. =) surprise surprise, it's not just an upbanding of my job grade, i have been given a bigger role and will manage about 30 people. 

i was shocked initially, our company is currently spinning off a new one and i will be part of that org. a pioneer and will handle a regional role. (effective Sept 1 but already in transition) i was content in my global/ individual contributor role and current org but God has other plans i guess. i still catch myself wondering how i got this. but my boss told me i deserve it and he was impressed at how i worked for his team for just 1 year. maybe taking on a lot of project lead roles did this. nevertheless, i am grateful and i acknowledge i am blessed.

i admit i second guess myself most of the time, do i really deserve this? can i do it? i have only managed about 15 people in the past and in another organization. that was a long time ago. and then i pray hard that i will be able to manage this team the best that i can. and did i mention that it's a totally different career path? God help me.

Currently listening to: a million dreams - the greatest showman OST
Currently feeling: accomplished & anxious
Posted by princess_bride on July 7, 2021 at 11:37 AM | dance with me

Hello Tabulas! It has been a while. Didn't think I'd ever get back to writing. Altough a lot has happened since my last post, I just couldn't bring myself to write anything. It's like I lost that spark. No idea why.

So what has been going on? I've been reading a lot. I read like crazy last year. Overshoot my goodreads challenge which hardly went more than 15 books a year. I have read 65 books last year. Can't believe it myself. I guess that's what this pandemic can do. It's my escape route. It gets depressing to be stuck at home. I fully resonate to this quote.

"Books are the plane, and the train, and the road. They are the destination, and the journey, they are home."

On the work front, that has been progressing really well. Got high marks on my performance evaluation. My current boss loved how I have handled the projects that I have been leading. I have always been saying 2021 is my year! And I'm claiming it. Looking forward to the promised good news this year.

On the home front, 2 of my kids are now working. Only 1 is left in college. Looking back, I am just so proud of how they have grown up to be generous, responsible and loving adults. Couldn't believe I raised these kids mostly on my own majority of the time. Hahaha They are my treasures, my pride and my reason for being. 

It hasn't been an easy journey the past few years, but God has been good to me and my family. Thank you Lord.

Currently listening to: Paubaya - Moira dela Torre
Currently reading: The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
Currently watching: Fate the Winx Saga
Posted by princess_bride on February 19, 2021 at 01:49 PM | 2 danced with me

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

~ Narnia OST No need to say goodbye

I was cleaning my emails and happened to see a message I sent on this date. I still think the message sticks till now. Although I highly doubt I will ever be needed. Looking back, I never was....needed I mean.

But thinking more about this...No coming back. No more starting from the beginning. Maybe there was a need to say goodbye? But are there still words left to say...other than goodbye? I think we're good. No sense in messing up the status quo. This is as good as goodbye. 

Currently reading: In Five Years - Rebecca Serle
Currently feeling: curious
Posted by princess_bride on November 25, 2020 at 02:04 PM | dance with me

"Grief makes a tunnel of our lives, and it is all too easy to lose sight of the other people in the darkness with us - to wish they weren't there, so their loss would stop rubbing up against ours." ~ From the book The Scent Keeper

The reality of this pandemic have hit close to home recently. I lost my sister in law who was a frontliner in a government hospital. She was just 44 years old. She had a 4 week battle in the ICU intubated. Honestly, we were hoping against hope that she would make it. She was a fighter and healthy. We made her promise that she does her best to get well so she can cook spaghetti for the kids.

She loves my kids like her own. She has a son but still, her love for her family was boundless. I never thought I would grieve this much from losing someone not my blood relative. Maybe because I always gave myself a deadline. Like I would be the first to go. But this hasn't happened. I kept losing loved ones, young and old. I lost both my parents already. I lost a brother in law early on. He too was close to me.

The reality of death, of the feeling that you can't reach out to them anytime you want. That you can't breathe the same air as they do. That all of them have ended pain and suffering on earth. Yet, you mourn and grieve. You cry ugly everytime you remember them and the memories they have left behind. My heart is broken and maybe time will come when the pain from losing them will also just be a memory.

I love you tol! May you rest in God's loving arms.

Currently listening to: Crossover playlist on Spotify
Currently reading: Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
Currently feeling: sad
Posted by princess_bride on September 10, 2020 at 07:46 AM | 2 danced with me

Kept coming back to this blog but couldn't bring myself to write anything sensible. My brain is mush. So much noise in it, can't seem to focus. I guess I just need to go back to my books.

"Books are the mile markers of my life." ~ Leni (The Great Alone)

Currently listening to: noise
Currently watching: your name
Currently feeling: blank
Posted by princess_bride on August 5, 2020 at 04:35 PM | dance with me

So ok, I have mentioned about having a new boss and an expanded role. We already had a few 1:1 calls and sometimes I feel like he is just too good to be true. He is so professional and kind and nice. I wasn't expecting it. My ex boss prepped me and told me to be on my toes as my new boss was known to be straight forward, frank and can be ruthless. But so far I haven't felt that way. He is conscious of my work time. Although we still have evening calls (can't help that, he is in the US) But everytime we end the call he'd say for me to go to sleep and stop working so late. hahaha

He always tells me that I am still in the learning curve and not to pressure myself to deliver anything as he understands that I am new to the role and that I need to adjust. His expectation is for me to learn and observe in preparation for fall plan and transformation strategies for next year. Sometimes I wonder do I deserve this? I guess I was just used to feeling left out before working amongst Doctors, Nurses, Safety Professionals that it took time for me to blend. I am the only finance person in the team reporting to the Director who is a Doctor. So imagine my struggle to always find ways to prove that even with a different background I can help with global strategies and improving process flows. It worked towards the end and then I was transferred.

I feel like my previous role was in a tough working environment. Those who shine in my boss' eyes were all in the medical field. And no matter how hard you work, it will never be enough. I never felt this in my previous employers. I have always been my boss' favorite. Not because I kiss ass, but because I work extra hard. Yet all of them have the same background as  I do. In accounting and finance. So yeah maybe there's that. I really don't know. I hope it's different this time. It's still the same although the team have more generic backgrounds as I am part of the bigger umbrella of the organization.

I hope it's different. And while I am here, while I still try to blend yet again, I will just dance.

Currently reading: Becoming - Michelle Obama
Currently feeling: hopeful
Posted by princess_bride on May 21, 2020 at 10:37 AM | dance with me

I just remembered I celebrated my 5th year in my current employer last February. And as the adage says, it was a roller coaster ride. I had to deal with a few difficult personalities but was able to pull through. I was doing different work from what I was used to. And the environment was different as I was reporting to a boss who was not familiar with my line of work. It was a tough few years. And then I got involved in a project which I lead. Then skilled up to be an ISO auditor.

Being part of the global leadership team of this specific business unit has a lot of challenges. And it seems like you are constantly trying to evolve to keep up. One, most of our headcount are essential because of legal requirements but the business doesn't seem to see value in what we do....that is until COVID. Now they realize how the team is bare skin and bones due to the transformation over the years.

And then I was transferred just recently to a new boss. They have expanded my role and now a member of 2 global leadership teams. It was supposed to be a promotion until COVID. Everyone now is trying to be wise with managing financials. I won't complain. As long as I have a job since I have to support my family now being the sole bread winner. Tough times indeed. The new normal. (hate that term)

Still adjusting with the new organization. Had webex calls with the other managers to learn about the operations on their specific geographies. I honestly am quite unsure about things now. I just feel like after all the effort of learning the ropes of my prev org now I need to adjust and learn again. Again, shouldn't be complaining really. Just scared of the uknown I guess.

There is a lot of uncertainty all around. It gets me anxious. I try to be more mindful and resilient. I got to survive this.

Currently reading: Becoming - Michelle Obama
Currently feeling: anxious
Posted by princess_bride on May 19, 2020 at 12:08 PM | dance with me
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