Infey, natouch ako rito.
It's been a while since I last attended a TM meeting. There's a lot of new faces and kung tutuusin, even before my frequent absences, outnumbered naman na talaga kami ng mga newbies.
Bilang hardcore introvert, I found talking to strangers quite draining. But then, come to think of it, my friends now were also strangers to me before. Sabi nga dun sa nabasa ko, wala naman daw talagang strangers, only potential friends. Whenever I see new members silent in their seats with no one to talk to, it kind of makes me feel sorry. Maybe I can do better as their sempai no?
Mukhang dadalas na naman ang absence ko though. Dad will be needing to undergo an operation next week. Nothing serious, but he will need at least 1 week rest after that. Meaning hindi nya ko masusundo after work. Which means, Mom will. Which again means, bawal na magpagabi ng husto. Parang high school lang. Lol. But I'm not complaining.
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There are things I'm trying not to think about. I know my own tendency to overthink. It's easy to search for evidences to prove your suspicions. Malay mo nga naman... baka kasi mahal ka pa. Pero sa tingin ko, ang pinaka matibay na ebidensya sa lahat e yung presence nya. If he's not there, then most probably, he doesn't. And come on, why should it matter?
Ok na. I still can't look, pero okay na.
Naisip ko lang, why focus on people who are so far away and overlook those who are just there? Between a man and a woman, hindi naman siguro kailangan na laging romantic ang pagmamahal.
Written by cinderellaareus at 06:27 PM. Filed under Sunday.
I skipped work today and was too lazy to invent a valid reason so I told them the truth. "Sorry, antok na antok pa po talaga ko." I've lost a day's worth pay pero ok lang din.
Dad had been sick for days so I made him take an aloe supplement drink. One of the products I sell online. He doesn't seem to be as sick anymore. Yesterday, Mom was asking me not to attend TM meeting tomorrow because Dad's sick and I need to go home. From how things look now, maybe I can attend. It's been ages since I last went to our meeting I'm starting to forget that I'm a Toastmaster.
So how are things going?
Because of back pain, I still woke up quite early so worked straight to see how my plants are doing. Most of them are still barely surviving. I'm thinking of taking pictures of the healthy ones and see if meron bang bibili if I'll tag them as "for sale" on my social media accounts. Anong kayang gagawin ko if totoong may bumili? Iniisip ko palang na mawalay sakin ang mga alaga ko, ang sakit na ng puso ko. At this rate, hindi ko alam kung paano ko gagawing negosyo ang paghahalaman. Siguro pagkabili, benta kagad no?
Today, I exhausted every single drop of will power I have para hindi sumugod sa plant store at bumili ng halaman. Kaka order ko lang kasi ng rare cactus seeds na may kamahalan at kailangan ko bayaran COD once dumating na. Nakakainis pa na nag super sale ang isang fb page na finofollow ko ng lithops, yung dream plant ko, tas super bagsak presyo. Takte... hindi ba pwede mag sale kayo bandang kinsenas katapusan para sakto sa sweldo? Huhu. Ok na rin. Kailangan ko mag ipon para sa isang event this Nov at sa Cebu trip ko next year... at oo nga pala, March ang kasal ni bff.
I don't have enough money to buy everything I want. Pero sa totoo lang, masaya ko na at least may pera ko.
Oooooh! Oo nga pala. I recieved a friend request earlier. Judging from the profile picture na puro halaman, I'm guessing he/she saw me from the plant-related fb group that I belong to. I don't accept friend requests from people I don't know, but for some reason, I felt the need to give this one a chance. I checked the profile of the person and viola! She's the owner of the youtube page I follow na tungkol sa succulents! Wala lang. Fangirl moment. Nakakakilig. Lel.
Gah! So pathetic the things that make me kilig nowadays.
Written by cinderellaareus at 03:56 PM. Filed under Thursday.
It's Sunday and I was starting to feel bad that it's Monday tomorrow when I came across Bo Sanchez's vid saying something like, "wherever you are, there's a reason why you're there." I don't feel so bad anymore.
At my room now. I turned my study table into working table for gardening stuff so everything's beyond messy. 2 months since I started having an interest with plants and I already have 3 casualties. Truly heartbreaking. But I learn so many things. I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure that none of my plants will ever die again.
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Watched an orchestra for the first time last Friday and I was mesmerized by the soloist. I'm no expert in music, but with these ears, I know na angat na angat ang quality ng music nya kahit ikumpara pa sa buong orchestra. Sobrang galing. She's 17. Said she started playing violin at 12. Made me ask myelf, "ano bang pinaggagagawa ko when I was at that age?"
On stage and sa picture, she looked like a young lady. But when we met her sa backstage, she looked more like a kiddo. Her eyes emit so much innocence, para syang baby. Papasa syang Elementary. So young pero sobrang successful na sa larangang pinili nya. Feeling ko tuloy, sinayang ko ang kabataan ko. Lel.
Kung makakausap ko kaya ang 40yo self ko, ano kayang ibibigay nyang advice sakin? Gusto kong malaman kung ano ano ang magiging regrets ko sa future para masiguro kong mapre-prevent ko yung sarili ko from having those regrets.
Kung mababalikan ko ba ang younger self ko, ano kayang ia-advice ko sa kanya?
-kalma, wag masyado madrama. Be happy.
-don't have your tooth extracted kung pwede naman ipasta para lang makatipid. Siga ulo ka?
-don't take CE. Go for ECE.
-go talk to them. They are your future good friends.
-utang na loob, wag kang mag ROTC. Take NSTP. Utang na loob.
-take care of your health
-don't pop that pimple
-dog fur causes you pimple. You don't have to wash your face 10x a day.
-magpapayat early to avoid cellulite and back fats. You'll have a hard time getting rid of those when you get older.
-grab those free Mandy Moore concert ticket. Tiisin mo nalang ang galit ang mama mo kasi sayang, Baby, sayang!
-rent a bed space in college. Maawa ka sa sarili mo and don't commute 5-6 hrs daily. With that, you don't have to miss all the exciting school events, ie. concerts, dating games, etc.
-sleep. You'll have a hard time getting rid of your eyebags when you get older. Please sleep.
-invest in stock market and make sure to buy double dragon stocks at 2php. The price will shoot up to 50+ in less than a year.
Man, I think I can go on and on on this.
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Gusto ko mag travel. Gusto ko ng dagat. Gusto ko bumalik sa Baguio. It is only in times like this that I wish na wala pang asawa si Injan, my favorite travel buddy.
Ang nakakalungkot lang sa single e madalas wala kang mayayang gumala...
That's not entirely true though.
Written by cinderellaareus at 09:53 PM. Filed under Sunday.
And so you looked while chanting "it's okay, it's okay" inside your head. Then after 5 posts... t*ngina, it's not okay.
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I visited the doctor for cough and colds, yet I ended up having an ultrasound and blood extraction. What the eff.
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Watched Exes Baggage and I loved it so much. Ganda ng boses ni Carlo, gusto ko na sya iuwi.
With this, I WAS okay... until I looked.
Oh, damn this.
Written by cinderellaareus at 11:07 PM. Filed under Wednesday.
I'm back on vacation mode because I'm effing sick. I'd love to just lie in bed but my body just won't let me. Recently, it developed a rule that if I exceed 6 hours, it'll hurt like eff to kick me out of bed. I've never slept for more than 6 hours since. I became an instant early riser.
I plan to watch a movie and actually see a doctor by the afternoon. I'd gladly see them earlier, pero alam kong late naman sila darating so afternoon. But what I love about being sick is that it helps you sleep deeply. I'm half conscious most of the time during sleep. Last night, I wasn't so. Sana tonight din.
Was watching Bo Sanchez's Full tank las night and he talked about "not comparing". I feel so out of joy lately and they say that gratitude can bring you joy so let's give it a try. Let's count our blessings!
1. I'm seeing the sun by the window. My baby plants are probably happy.
2. Every morning whenever I leave the house way before dawn for work and then by the evening when I get back, Dad, with his old and ailing body, always send and pick me up to the bus stop to keep me safe.
3. A dog from the neighborhood we named "Pogi" accompanies Dad whenever he sends or picks me up. So sweet our Pogi.
4. I have a job that allows me to have a breakfast break for 2 hours in the morning, 1 hour at lunch and watch movies or korean novelas anytime I want.
5. Sis-in-laws cooking tastes great
6. We have a sari-sari store named after me where I can get all the chicha I want (so long as Mom won't find out).
7. We have a loading station too! And I often get free load.
8. I can speak Japanese. It can be pretty pointless when nobody else does, but at least, it's still pretty cool. Plus, it gave me a job.
9. I have a fully functioning body that allows me to do the things I want to do and go to places I want to go.
10. I have a family, few wonderful friends, plants and pets that I love so much.
11. I may not be rich, but I have money to spend.
12. And food to eat
13. People to love and talk to.
14. A bed that Mom gave me as a birthday gift years ago. Uratex foam with air holes. It didn't relieve me of back pain just like we hoped, but I still love this bed.
15. I have a crazy, goofy and maldita-but-sweet niece that I love so much.
Sitting here in my bed, I realized I've got countless of things to be thankful for. Sabi sa nabasa ko sa Facebook, kung tutuusin, lahat naman tayo, blessed. Masyado lang tayong madrama.
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Tomorrow, maybe I'm gonna get back to work. Hopefully by then, my nose is no longer dripping and I'm no longer barking (coughing).
Written by cinderellaareus at 09:04 AM. Filed under Wednesday.
Just got back from a 3-day long weekend, tas nagkasakit pa ko. Takte. Wanna go home. Huhu.
So how are things going? At times I feel like there's a lot going on, but not really. I'll be going to watch an opera for the first time this Friday and I need to hunt for a dress/gown. Couldn't take a leave because Partner already filed his so haggardan ito. After work I need to fly to the venue nang naka gown. Thank you very much. Sa totoo lang, I'd rather stay home.
In about a month now, the cage will transfer to another site since they'll give up the current building na. They will provide me advance and deposit for a place to stay near the new office for about 3 months. I'm already feeling homesick, but I'm not so sure if kaya ng katawang lupa ko magcommute. It's not really that far from the current site, but the traffic jam in that area is known to be epic. Partner will not be going with us so we need to hunt for a new native speaker. Sana maging maayos ang lahat.
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BFF is busy with the wedding prep. I will be the MOH. This is the 2nd time I'll be a MOH. The 1st was during my brother's wedding. Said the wedding will be an intimate one lang daw. Closest friends and relatives lang ang invited, yet for some reason, BFF invited my entire family.
Mom and Dad will the one of the ninongs and ninangs. The wedding will be in Batangas and BFF will give me and my family 2 days accomodation dun sa venue. I've always seen BFF as a sister. To me, she's family. Nakakatuwa lang na her love for me is extended even to my family.
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From someone who can't stop checking, now I can't bring myself to even look. Nakaka amuse ang evolution ng heartbreak na to.
Hindi pa naman talaga ok.
The last time I was watching a K-dram entitled 'Go back couple'. Tungkol sa mag-asawa na nag file ng divorce and they both wished na sana hindi nalang nila nakilala ang isa't isa. Then by some miracle, nag timetravel sila parehas sa nakaraan nila at nung nagkakilala sila when they were 20 yo. It was such a cute drama. Kahit patapos na ko sa sumunod na dramang pinapanood ko, naiisip isip ko parin to.
Ano kaya ang gagawin ko kung sakaling mag time travel ako sa past? What will I do differently? Marami akong naisip gawin. Mga bagay na gusto ko itama. Na surprise lang ako na willing pala akong hindi ka nalang makilala at all.
Putek. I feel like my heart is a whole lot sicker than my immune system.
Written by cinderellaareus at 11:41 AM. Filed under Tuesday.
Exactly how I've been feeling lately.
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Failing doesn't change your value, worth, or goodness. It feels like it does. But that is a big part of this lesson. Nothing you did or didn't do could have won this situation. Now you have the chance to learn to love and accept yourself regardless of what you accomplish or don't. There may even have been a set of lies and betrayals from others leading you to an unfair position in life. You now have to come to terms with finding self-love even when you have been framed. You now have the chance to fall, exhausted, into universal love that has no judgments of you. You have to find self-respect that goes far deeper than others' judgments. This is especially challenging when judgments are based on false pretenses. However, there is nothing else left to do but liberate your mind. If you tried to win in a situation and all seemingly intelligent acts of will backfired, you are being asked to surrender to the universal will. Who you thought you were, what you thought you were meant to do, and the ways you thought you were going to do it, just weren't accurate. Let life take over and help. Your only job now is to do nothing. You will come out well later, though that means little when one is in the worst depths of despair. The lessons of self-love, self-worth, and trust in universal will are about to become evident. Don't push it. Rest. This will all dawn upon you as time goes on, once you give up. Once you are saturated with new understanding, tenderness and compassion for self and others will grow strong. Your situation will improve greatly by not exercising will for awhile. You will later see that this experience paved the foundation for your dreams to come true and far greater success to take hold. It just cannot be now. Hibernate, with no will-power being used for awhile. If you need someone to handle basics for you, be humble enough to ask. That's about all you can do at this point anyway. If you fought against the Ten of Swords consciousness, you enforced your own downfall. Lies, addictions, or complete denial of healthy participation brought you here. Others saw it coming, but you kept your eyes closed. Time for growth work and amends. |
Written by cinderellaareus at 10:58 AM. Filed under Thursday.