It was a nerve wracking moment as the professor handed out our mid term papers. I knew that I wasn't going to do well as I missed a couple of sections and I didn't really prepare. This whole exercise I am doing is to find answers and I would've been disappointed had it been easy. This is a great shock to my body and my psyche. Like I expected I didn't get good grades and I know I could've done better. The more I sit and think about how to get better, the more the question loomed upon me: "What do you want to do with this?"

Almost ten years ago when I enrolled into my post graduate diploma in management. I wasn't qualified yet for a full MBA program. I thought the strategy was to get into post graduate then shift into the full MBA program. A lot of things happend in that span of three years it took me to get my post graduate. I had a daughter, work was turmoil, career was barely a word to me. I was making strides but it didn't have direction. I was just pushing in the hope that it would yield results that are above what others have. Having more that what others had was a central driving force for me from the beginning.

I always though that being better than the next person made me better. Better in a way that I wasn't the last in line. I always felt that I was in line. I never did well enough in school, always in the middle and more like middle back. Despite my efforts, despite my parents harranging me to do better, despite this pressing feeling that I could be doing better, I wasn't able to make any progress in school and I always thought that maybe it was the school that was wrong or maybe the people around me. So I always thought that had I had it my way I could be better. If I wasn't graded in the same as everyone else I can finally make something of myself.

So the first chance I got I took more school, and took more responsibility at work, and took unnatural amounts of interest to what I was doing. It did pay off. I got the traction that I wanted. I moved work like crazy I was always getting hired left and right. I was getting offered jobs when jobs weren't offered to two-three year experience people. Then I said, I want to make goals for myself. Life goals, like big statement goals that are all too far to be and to reach. The kind of things I know other people never asked themselves if they can be that, like CIO, CEO, or Consultant. That level of title drove me. And I also got it.

I wasn't happy. I was not excited about success. Or I felt that it was the end of that journey. That travel. It felt that I was done. It felt empty. It felt that level of success is meaningless.

This year I came back to theraphy and started asking myself what was it I was trying to do? What was it that I thought I would find but didn't? It was all very confusing even now it still feels oppressive. I feel the weight of these questions pressing down on my chest. But I have to remember that these questions don't really exist. Like who is asking these?

In class last night, I had to come face-to-face again with these questions. It's not because I was being pressed into it but rather I was asking where can I take this thing that I built. We were talking about business and market entry strategies and success factors and vision. The professor says, "This can also be an analogy about yourself." I was stunned. We proceed with what are the things to be expected of an MBA. How to act like and MBA. How to think like an MBA. How to be accepted as an MBA. Then I begin look around the class, I'm like none of these people. 

I know that I have something but I do not know where to apply myself to. I have a career -- maybe -- at best. I am doing okay financially -- maybe -- at a stretch and maybe if I tighted up a little. I know what I do -- that's a solid and I can give myself that. Do I lack initiative? I feel I lack motivation. There's no next step for me that feels worth it. This all feel a copy of a previous thing. I feel uninspired by my options. I don't feel empathy towards the horizon. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel that I am approaching 35 but I still don't know what to do. At the age where most of my peers have two kids, married, a car and house, I am alone, living with a cat, in an apartment, and a broken down car. I am back at the beginning thinking, "Why can't I run like the others? Why can't I settle?" This is always haunting-- just follows me around wherever I go. I dress different. I feel confident about different things-- music, literature, art. I say things different. And yet I feel I don't have personality. Like I don't have a life.

And none of these are true. I know none of the things I think of about myself are true. I know that I am built for something.

These are the opposites of my life; on the one hand thinking I am built like a tank, strong and with purpose; on the other hand, there's no one to fight and no one asked for a tank in the first place. 

All I can do now is pray, and hope the answers will come. All I have to do is to try and see what happens. I am still uncomfortable with this-- everything-- my whole deal. There is no real barometer for me. There is no real way for me to say that I am doing better or doing worse. I need to start from there: the idea that there is a measurement for this. This is what I got wrong when I was in school and what I have been doing wrong till now. I need to stop saying that there is a path or ladder or a direction. Those things will never exist. What needs to exist is my willingness to experience life-- the will to say, "This feels right." I need be able to say, "You're not in a rush. This is an exercise of discovery. This is not an exercise of how far I can go rather an exercise of where does 'far' take me." This is an exercise of curiosity.

May God light the way. May I feel peace in times of uncertainty. For the moment. For now. And of course, for my finals which I now have to ace because I fucked up my midterms.

Posted by big.mati on November 5, 2019 at 01:30 PM | dance with me
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