I wrote this a weeek ago:


So.. I think I need to start getting comfortable with people looking my direction. If I hadn't made it clear, I have really really low self-esteem. And athough I like doing things, I don't like people looking at me while I'm doing the thing. It's unnerving. I've resolved that I will never be a musician, an actor, nor comedian, because I don't like being in the spotlight. Writing I'll be fine. I can hide between the pages. I don't like being vulnerable. 

So that said. I find my self higher up the ladder and more people look to me for guidance, either in a technical or a managerial sense. It is unnerving. I don't know about other people when they start to experience this. I'm pretty sure other people had a better time because they took the time to get up there. I sort of landed overnight. Yes, in a sense, the imposter syndrome is there. However, it's a matter of being on-stage that is unsettling. 

#I think I need to look for my therapist#

In any case, I mean. I know in my heart that it is about being used to it. The previous years were I would go on client-to-client, and meeting-to-meeting, it was a facade. I create a character to face those people. A fact that even back then I was very aware of. I knew that the little fragile me wouldn't survive the ordeal. So I had to fabricate someone to get through it. "Fake it till you make it" is a terrible advice. I would rather have heard; "Believe in your value". 



So.. I don't really have a plan to remedy this. I do believe in my value, and I do know that these people come to me because I have something to offer. I shouldn't get int he way of myself. But old habits die hard. 

I'm okay. This is.. not a call help or a.. complaint in my life. Rather, I want to address this because it is so reactionary, so knee-jerk reaction, that everytime I'm in a call that voice whispers in the background, and I have to actively put in on mute (relavant social events pun intended). I wish that that voice would go away, or at least be passive. It's not harming me, but I can feel it's active presence in my space. I'd like to get rid of that.




Now back to today:

I think I have the wrong notion that I will be dealing with the same kind of crazy as I go through this journey. And I've been over vigilant of making sure that my behavior from the past will not come back. I think I did this to remove my anxiety of the future. I keep on trying to solve problems in the past so it doesn't affect the future. 

However, I think I may have over done it so.. I feel like... I dunno. I feel like I been having a hard time paying attention to the present when the present to not feel fixed in time. This ECQ has lost me on when I am at. For someone with ADHD, a sense of rhythm is very important because we have a weak executive function, and we have to put a lot of effort to pay attention to the cadence. I don't even need the actions to be on time -- I just need to be aware of the cadence. I know I will make mistakes but the time tells me where I've made a mistake, and thus, it becomes easier to come back to the beat. 


I'm not happy with the way I've.. You know what. Okay. Let's make an exercise of gratitude:

I am happy that I finished my STRAMA. Though I know that I could have done better. I happy that I've come to better relationship with friends despite being far away from them. I'm happy that my daughter opens up to me when she's sad. That's my first sign that she feels safe with me. Which is very important. I realized that that is where I fucked up. I didn't feel safe in the company of family, where I ran off and built a dysfunctional family of co-fucked up people. I'm happy that I have a job especially in times where jobs are hard to come by. I'm happy my apartment is closer to being a nice place to live in and I have the capacity to make it happen.

It's actually pretty great.

Which bring us to things I want to be better at:

 - I need better time management. 

 - I need to catastrophize the outcomes of my actions. So far, I've aced my output. But somehow, I make it a point not to be happy with it. Solely I feel because I keep that to myself. I suppose I need to start celebrating my successes.

 - I need to learn how to celebrate my success. And do it in a healthy way. ADHD people have a hard time celebrating success because we have a tendency to fly away to do something else when we've completed something. 

I need to say: "I did great." (I'll take Things I've Never Heard Parents Say for 500, Collin)


Okay.. new plan. Let's figure out where I can reward myself for doing something great. 


Okay side note that may be relevant in the future. The thought immigrating has really stressed me out lately. Especially when it bring a lot of uncertainty to my life. It feels like anything I do now is useless. And that I'm probably trading something good that I've got going on here for something a lot shittier that's been happening there. I have a plan which of it in itself is very stressful. It's like planning an event but you don't know when the date is but everything else is sorted. So when the event comes, you know you can put it together at the same time you know something will fuck up. But that's fine. I'm just thankful to have the chance (although somewhat halfheartedly).

Posted by big.mati on May 29, 2020 at 09:11 AM | dance with me
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