So. I've been researching further into ADHD, specifically to how that affects me. I'm trying to guage how far I am into the spectrum. I'd say 8/10. Zero being neurotypical, and 10 being full on cannot live a day properly ailment. 
These passed months I stayed away from medication, but now I want it back. I don't know. I feel I don't have it together lately.
Okay so. I think this stems from my theme of the year which is 'Build'. This means I need a lot of focus, a lot of energy. Passed few weeksI'm trying but I can't even get the simplest tasks done. Note that I just had my electricity cutoff just before Christmas. 
That's one thing. The other thing is I don't really know what I am doing. I can barely write right now. I'm just doing this out of discipline. I really have nothing to talk about. I'm not sure that's a good thing. I feel like that this is indicative of something. I'm not sure. 
Side notes on the house.. so i've setup the beginnings of a sala. I took the big TV from the actual house to my apartment, and suddenly it feels like a place. So I feel like this is the way to go. Now. I will get one of the sofa's so at least there's a sofa. 
I've been living in the apartment for about eight months now, so I feel like it's about time that it starts feeling like a home. 
So no papers yet for my immigration which is disconcerting, especially with the impeachment going on. I feel like it's fair and buying me time to complete my thesis.
School is okay, I guess. 
A part of me is bored, a bigger part is content. I feel like there's something that I can do, but then I start doing things and I hesitate. 1. I have to be really careful about how committed I am to the planned action. I want to stop starting things and not finishing them. I want to practice completing things. 2. I'm not sure that's the way, and 3. I don't feel like it's worth breaking my little bubble. I feel like I worked hard to find 'center'. I don't want to break just by being stupid. And that's me most of the time.
Last few weeks I've started to connect my experiences against the experiences of people typical of ADHD. That shit hurt a lot. On one hand I felt vindicated, and on the other hand, i felt devastated. I felt I was dealt a bad deck and I just struggled. Like half the things people say in interview on how it feels and what it's like are half the things that I've written here.
It's fine I guess.
I feel like this is really the time that I have accepted that I have it. Or this is the time that I am living with it rather than through it.
Posted by big.mati on January 23, 2020 at 10:26 AM | dance with me

Dear Admin Supervisor,

Thank you as I am very touched upon your threat of "You (I) will know me (her) sometime later". Please be reminded that you're not the first to do that so i am basically immune to those type of threats.

You have a grudge because your mistakes had been pointed out to you? not my problem senorita.

First of all, Administration Officers had been reminded countless of times to settle accounts as soon as they receive it so there are zero to minimal backlogs at the end of the month when it is time to request for new funds. It is you who like to keep things and do it at the last minute, remember your first stint? You left the cash accounting up to the last minute (on the day I was supposed to raise the fund request) with lots of errors that I needed to fix - our deadline was COB that day, I passed the request at 9PM local. Did you hear about it from me? no. 

You tried to handball the cash accounts to someone else again with lots of errors before you went on break last month. Who do you expect to fix that, the one you handballed the problem solving to? No. It's your problem and you should fix that. That was your role as Admin Supervisor calling to you. You are not some days old intern who will be expected to be commiting large amounts of errors.

Is it my role to fix your fucking mistakes? No, though I am responsible for those and I wanted it corrected before #1 you leave site on break and #2 the deadline for requesting additional funds which was a day after you departed site. You don't know how good it is to do the accounts review and to request additional funds in under 2 hours with an error free ledger thanks to your corrections. (Though, there was still that issue of you fudging the books by subtracting it to the boss' account when you can't reconcile your accounting because you've done it on the last minute)

Lastly, will I know who you really are later? likely no, and I don't care that much. You don't know me girl. Over the years, I would have thought I now have a pretty good handle on the "me" that I don't show you guys. Please don't test it and make it come out. 

Tread lightly

Posted by harm.evil.lilac on January 19, 2020 at 08:35 PM | dance with me
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