i received this nice message from a good friend and i like to share it to my tabs friends as well....and it goes:

"May God make your year a happy one!

Not by shielding you from all sorrows and pain
But by strengthening you to bear it as it comes

Not by making your path easy
But by making you sturdy to travel any path

Not by taking hardships from you
But by taking fear from your heart

Not be granting you unbroken sunshine
But by keeping your face bright even in the shadows

Not by making your life always pleasant
But by showing you when people and their causes need you most
and by making you anxious to be there to help

God's love, peace, hope and joy to you for the year ahead."

NEVER END A WISH WITHOUT WHISPERING "I BELIEVE"...AND MAKE THE NEW YEAR YOUR DREAM-COME-TRUE YEAR!

title borrowed from a friend. can't help but ask if love and joy can be bought somewhere. i think i'd go buy and use up all my savings if need be. hahaha...

on a sad note, i realized something last night. you can never make someone happy if the other person's happiness is expected from someone else. all efforts are futile no matter how much sacrifice or selflessness you have shown. painful realization. but it does happen. one just have to be receptive and open enough to the idea of getting hurt inspite of and despite of.

sometimes i wonder, what if we are made void of any feelings? it must've been easier to handle the bad news. but i think i've learned to take the risk. no more tears. (like the shampoo commercial ) i don't know if i just got numb from my painful past or i just learned to be more understanding of the situation. but until when i could take it, i really do not know.

at this point, i can say that i did my best but i guess my best wasn't good enough (yeah, right from the song...hehehe). shit happens! i can choose to feel crappy about it or i can just be the understanding friend that i am expected to be. i think i'd rather be the latter...no more tears!

Who will love me in my madness

When the fearsome mornings come without warning

In the melancholy of soft rain

And the dull grey days?

When I dare not to tell you who I am

Patched together with string

Fumbling, fearful, lost?

Who will love me in my madness

When you seek to lean on me

To glean from me some strength

That yesterday I seemed to have?

When I'm sure that i have failed

And not strong at all

And want to run away?

Soon my madness will be gone

And I will laugh every time I see the sun

But in those sad and fearful times

Who will love me?

~ James Kavanaugh

why, with as much pain as it endures in hanging on, does the heart refuse to let go?

how do you when its time do give up? on a relationship or a friendship? where do you draw the line between compromising your own happiness and trying to be the better person in making the necessary sacrifices to make it work? when do you know when to stop bending your own wants and needs in order to make it work? When do you know that the pain outweighs the happiness? When do you decide when the pain that you are experiencing while making these sacrifices is enough?

Its always hard to let go of someone that has become such a vital part of your life. Sometimes you have gotten so accustomed to them being around that you dont know exactly how your life would work without them.  You need them to be there..to be in your life. But it takes two people to be in a relationship.  It takes two people to compromise, sacrifice, and understand.  It takes two people to shed tears, to talk it out, to try, and it takes two people to care for a relationship to work.  It takes equal amount of work from both sides.  Just one person can't carry the burden of two. 

It takes an amazingly strong person to know when and how to end  a relationship, which ,though is one of the most important things in life, causes you more hurt that you can take. But on the other hand, maybe it takes the more noble person, the stronger person to endure the pain and try until they can't anymore.  Most of us are just so enamored with the idea of hope.  It keeps us going..keeps pushing us to try because maybe it will turn out just the way we want it to.  Maybe theres a reward for continuing to hang on. Hope..it keeps us thinking..that maybe..just maybe the other person will realize the sacrifices you have made..how important you are to them..and how they dont wanna ever lose you. Maybe they will  finally lay you down a bed of roses or maybe just at least reciprocate your feelings and actions. 

I guess in the end, you can't really answer these questions.  Sometimes you just can't do anymore but hope that everything will turn out for the best. But sometimes the best means ending it. There's no sure way of knowing. Just like life, there are never any certainties. But knowing that you are a good person and you are trying your best, I guess all that you can do is fight until you can't anymore, then be fought for..

(~quezy's journal)

(D'Sound)

Maybe you soon forget about all
or maybe you'll miss it like I do

one thing's for sure:
I'm all knocked out
spend too much time thinking of you

And I can't get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you're the dangerous kind
and your smile is tattooed on my mind
And I can't get you out of my dreams

Don't wanna write, I don't wanna call,
- I would not know what to say
It should be you, that's how I want it to be
Tell me you feel the same way

And I can't get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you're the deja vu's kind
and your smile is tattooed on my mind
Cause I can't get you out of my dreams

Oh, yesterday I was feeling safe
All I do today is trying to be brave
And no melody can seem to soothe my mind
And now I curse you for being so sweet and so kind

And I can't get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you're the deja vu's kind
and your face is tattooed on my mind
And I can't get you out of my dreams

Yes I know you're tatooed on my mind you're tatooed.....

i know that not everyone will agree with me when i say that people usually are more confident in saying what they feel when they are under the influence of alcohol. of course that is my personal opinion. somehow getting drunk can make one's tongue more "loose". i just can't understand how people can associate liquor with making problems easier to deal with. all i get afterwards is a terrible headache. and if i'm lucky enough to mix drinks, i could wake up in such a bad state.

still, given the negative effects of drinking i find myself drawn to the bottle especially when i feel really bad about something. mr. jose cuervo is my best friend. yesterday, a friend came over early in the morning and brought my fave drink. we started as early as 1 pm. she was depressed about something and i was feeling a bit bad about myself the past few days. so we kinda celebrated our loneliness. and somehow i found myself trying to communicate with someone but still couldn't find the guts to say how i feel. yes, even under-the-influence i could really be chicken about stuff. ugghh.

i don't know i just have this weird feeling that things are coming to an end. i can't understand really. if its the end of the world, end of my life, end of the relationship. i really can't say. there's this sad feeling coming over me that i just can't explain. pretty weird i should say. maybe its coming to terms with the truth about my life and my love.

in the grand scheme of things, i have only one dream...and that is to be remembered as a person who have loved well. i realized that i have no control over anybody's feelings except myself. and if it should take a lot of patience, understanding, pain, suffering...i would go through all these just for that person whom i feel strongly for. and all these even without asking for anything in return. well, maybe just one thing...that i be acknowledged as someone who is/ was a part of his life. that alone, is enough for me.

i know i should stop using alcohol as a lame excuse to have the guts to tell you that i love you...but i think i am too late. and it is just so painful for me to see you sad and me being helpless about it. i admit that i am not that strong ...and you give me all the reasons to be weak. i am so sorry that my love is never going to be enough to make you happy. i wish things were different...

And now, the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I travelled each and ev'ry highway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

one of the last songs my dad sang in one function he attended last december. his tragic death last january 9 gave this song so much meaning . he was featured in a motorcycle accident at the national highway of brgy santiago, bauang, la union. it came as a total shock to the whole family. he was just 57 years old.

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way

he was a kind man. i look up to him with so much respect and admiration. but yes, he was human too. he had his weak moments. and i'm sure that through all of them, he tried his best and struggled hard to keep his sanity and his sense of belief and conviction.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside, I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way,
"Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did it my way"

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!

i'm sure my dad has led a full life. a life of sorrow, pain, anger,  joy, happiness and love. i've seen through some of them...i've turned my back from time to time.  but at this point i have no regrets.  i have shown and told him how much i love him. and in his final days...i felt his love...my dad's love i have been longing for so long. and it was enough....he left me memories enough to last a lifetime. i love you dad...and wherever you are i wish you happiness and eternal rest.

 

after my dad's demise, i felt time stop. i wanted desperately to live in the past. i've caught myself often staring into space rummaging my thoughts of what has been and what might have been. letting go is really something i'd never get used to. i badly want to hug  and kiss my dad one more time. but somehow, i feel that wherever he is right now, he is happy.

ironically, some good things came about after what happened. a lot of broken relationships were reconciled. maybe brought about by the realization that every second counts. we can lose people we love so swiftly, sometimes we hardly have the time to say goodbye.  i still cry everyday, but i believe that everything happened for a reason. in His grand plan in our lives, losing people we love is part of it. pain and hurt are reminders for us to treasure our life and our loved ones.  

and in my darkest hours, i began to realize those people who sincerely love and care for me. people, i haven't even given a time of day in the past. some have caused me so much pain and suffering. some were just misunderstood. i have learned to welcome them in my life once again. i have opened my heart, learned to forgive, humbly apologized for my own mistakes.

if there was one person who was constantly there for me - it was my hubby. i am just happy that after a long time, we decided to work things out. maybe i'm just vulnerable, i don't know. i just know that i need someone right now. and if it means giving us another chance to love again, i'll do it. the beginning of things for me to look forward to. my life goes on...

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." - Gandhi

aside from my efforts to get my ass back in the "love" bandwagon, i have been catching up a lot on work i left behind after being on bereavement leave for more than a week. i've been going home super late from work the past few days. even had to work weekends, office and sideline. so you must be thinking how i can squeeze in my love life...hahaha. i make sure i find time for that. and boy do sparks fly. wehehehe.

well its about time to wake up from my usual drab life. i've let opportunities pass when it comes to opening my heart again to someone. i guess timing is of the essence. yes, i admit i've been love's fool. and i know i will always be. i will not deny that i am really lonely and i am praying hard that giving my hubby another chance will not be another mistake. i desperately need someone to bring me to life. and this might be the only chance i'll get to be "alive" again.

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; Don't walk behind me,I may not lead; Walk beside me, and just be my friend." - Albert Camus

 

The best gift anyone can give me at Christmas is a planner. I like
planners because I am a planner. I like thinking ahead. I like being
prepared. I get a high from being on top of things. But some things
are beyond planning. And life doesn't always turn out as planned.

You don't plan for a broken heart. You don't plan for a failed
marriage. You don't plan for an adulterous husband. You don't
plan for an autistic child. You don't plan for spinsterhood. You
don't plan for a lump in your breast.

You plan to be young forever. You plan to climb the corporate ladder. You plan to be rich and powerful. You plan to be acclaimed and successful. You plan to conquer the universe. You plan to fall in
love - and be loved forever.

You don't plan to be sad. You don't plan to be hurt. You don't plan
to be broke. You don't plan to be betrayed. You don't plan to be
alone in this world.

You plan to be happy. You don't plan to be shattered.

Sometimes if you work hard enough, you can get what you want. But most times, what you want and what you get are two different things. We, mortals, plan. But so does God in the heavens.

Sometimes, it is difficult to understand God's plans - especially
when His plans are not in consonance with ours. Often, when God sends us crisis, we turn to Him in anger. True, we cannot choose the cross that God wishes us to carry but we can carry that cross with courage, knowing  that God will never abandon us nor send something we cannot cope with.

Sometimes, God breaks our spirit to save our soul. Sometimes, He
breaks our heart to make us whole. Sometimes, God sends us pain so we can be stronger. Sometimes, God sends us failure so we can be humble. Sometimes God sends us illness so we can take better care of ourselves. Sometimes, God takes everything away from us so we can learn  the value of everything He gave us.

Make plans but understand that we live by God's grace.

Growing up we get dismayed by the realization that we could not get everything we want. Growing old, I am delighted by the realization that although I can't have everything I want, I can want everything I have. - Unknown Writer

(jim brickman)

Hey, Time won’t wait,
Life goes by,
Every day’s a brand new sky,
Every tear, comes to dry.

All that really matters,
In this crazy world,
Is you and I together,
Baby just remember.

Chorus 1:
The first leaves off the tree,
The way you look at me,
A thousand chiming church bells ring,
The simple things are free
The sun, the moon, the stars,
The beating of two hearts,
How I love the simple things,
The simple things just are.

So here we go,
Let’s just dance,
Teach my soul to take this chance,
Put my heart, in your hands.

Out of all the moments that,
We leave behind,
Turn around and tell me,
Baby we’ll remember.

Chorus 2:
The thunder and the rain,
The way you say my name,
After all the clouds go by,
The simple things remain,
The sun, the moon, the stars,
The beating of two hearts,
How I love the way the simple things,
The simple things just are

Chorus 3:
The ocean and the sky,
The way we feel tonight,
I know that it's the love,
That brings the simple things to life,
The sun, the moon, the stars,
The beating of two hearts,
I love the way the simple things,
The simple things just are.

I love the way the simple things,
The simple things just are.
Simple things just are.
Simple things just are.

a friend once made a comment why i was quiet the past few days, was it because of having someone again in my life. that got me thinking, i was silent due to a lot of things actually. sometimes i feel like i'm caught in between a dream and reality. ever since i lost my dad i can't seem to get a grip of real life. so much has been going on. complications on the things he left behind.

being the eldest, it was by default a new burden on my shoulders right now. and i can't seem to think straight on how to deal with all of these. i am a naturally peaceful being, and i never imagined myself to get entangled in this mess. sometimes, i just wanna give up...to hell with all these material things. i don't want to care anymore....but then again, i still have a younger sister who is currently taking up Law and who needs support right now...and a 6 year old half-sister that i'm sure my mom wouldn't welcome in our lives.

its difficult as it is...what makes it more complicated is my dad has 12 other siblings who seem to be united in leaving my mom out in my dad's estate. can i just say this? it's just money...what's the big deal, why do they want to fight about it? i can't dig the issue of being the rightful heirs. i just want everything to be done in a peaceful manner. and when things turn to worse...i will just have to drop everything off. i simply don't want to deal with this. i have enough issues already in my life...sighhh....i wish it was that easy.

as for the someone special in my life...i don't want to talk about it...i'm taking things as it comes. i am being careful with my heart this time. "walking on eggs" careful. i think if there's one thing i am happy about...it is the fact that my three kids are happy. and for me that is what really matters.