i know that not everyone will agree with me when i say that people usually are more confident in saying what they feel when they are under the influence of alcohol. of course that is my personal opinion. somehow getting drunk can make one's tongue more "loose". i just can't understand how people can associate liquor with making problems easier to deal with. all i get afterwards is a terrible headache. and if i'm lucky enough to mix drinks, i could wake up in such a bad state.

still, given the negative effects of drinking i find myself drawn to the bottle especially when i feel really bad about something. mr. jose cuervo is my best friend. yesterday, a friend came over early in the morning and brought my fave drink. we started as early as 1 pm. she was depressed about something and i was feeling a bit bad about myself the past few days. so we kinda celebrated our loneliness. and somehow i found myself trying to communicate with someone but still couldn't find the guts to say how i feel. yes, even under-the-influence i could really be chicken about stuff. ugghh.

i don't know i just have this weird feeling that things are coming to an end. i can't understand really. if its the end of the world, end of my life, end of the relationship. i really can't say. there's this sad feeling coming over me that i just can't explain. pretty weird i should say. maybe its coming to terms with the truth about my life and my love.

in the grand scheme of things, i have only one dream...and that is to be remembered as a person who have loved well. i realized that i have no control over anybody's feelings except myself. and if it should take a lot of patience, understanding, pain, suffering...i would go through all these just for that person whom i feel strongly for. and all these even without asking for anything in return. well, maybe just one thing...that i be acknowledged as someone who is/ was a part of his life. that alone, is enough for me.

i know i should stop using alcohol as a lame excuse to have the guts to tell you that i love you...but i think i am too late. and it is just so painful for me to see you sad and me being helpless about it. i admit that i am not that strong ...and you give me all the reasons to be weak. i am so sorry that my love is never going to be enough to make you happy. i wish things were different...