Entries for December, 2005

it usually is toxic during this time of the month. mainly due to the month-end reports needed by management alongside the government remittances that needs more attention due to the recent changes in e-vat. this would go on till next week.

okey, i haven't really started with the reports. i'm stuck in the analysis of this one GL account. and its really driving me nuts. year end requirements is also another thing. drats i need to clear my head. it seems that there are a lot of clutter inside that needs cleaning up. hahaha...

at home...my kids are preparing for exams a week from now. these teachers are giving them so many projects and assignments that they need to be guided most of the time. aside from the fact that i've been a frequent national bookstore visitor for all those supplies that they need in their projects. i just can't believe that these teachers can expect the kids to carry on with all that load. plus they must think that parents have magical powers that anytime they ask for something for school we could produce it on the spot. duhhhh!!!



Currently listening to: crash - the primitives
Currently reading: the rule of four - thomason&caldwell
Currently feeling: stressed
Posted by princess_bride on December 1, 2005 at 06:27 PM | 8 danced with me

imagine when i got home last night to help my son with his project, during this time i usually ask how school was (of course aside from the slave-driving their teacher does to them...hehehe)...he told me a secret. there's this girl in school who has a big crush on him. everyday whispering her feelings for my son. (gosh ganon na pala ka-aggressive ang kabataan ngayon...grade 2 pa lang yan ha!) and also calling our house everyday.  yesterday was no different except for the fact that she gave him a gift. a multi-colored ring...hahahah...natawa ako. kakaiba talaga. i haven't seen the ring yet. my son was too shy to bring it home so she asked the girl to keep it for him.

they are now being teased big time by their classmates. and whenever i ask my son about her, he'd blush and squirm like he's being tickled. hahahah... grade 2 ha....imagine! when i was their age di ko pa naisip yung ganon. parang ang alam ko lang gawin eh bumili ng favorite candy ko sa tindahan. pero para bumili ng ring for my crush. ngekssss...ang labo ata nun.

wala lang na-share ko lang....hehehe amusing kse.

finally, i finished the book i was reading last night. it's not as grand as my experience with angels and demons by dan brown or even the Harry Potter series , uhmm pwede na. i was wondering nga why it became a best-seller. siguro din kaya ang tagal ko matapos yung book. it was not interesting enough. i'm onto another journey with Murakami (if i'm not mistaken) i have the wind-up bird chronicle and i heard it's a nice read.


Currently listening to: i fall so deep - gary barlow
Currently feeling: amused
Posted by princess_bride on December 2, 2005 at 09:30 AM | 19 danced with me

i used to run around my daily stuff unaware of the little things that goes around me. i hardly notice them because my mind is too busy with things i should do within the day. but today is rather different...i stopped and smelled the roses. (of course walang rose sa mandaluyong puro bato kaya meron dun...hahaha) i noticed the small things whether it matters in my life or not, they seem magnified to me today.  it's really weird.

i noticed the old couple who lived under the waiting shed where i usually wait for my ride. they ate pandesal together and talk abt things they plan for the day.

i saw how fond are my neighbors of dogs and how insensitive they were abt stray cats. my heart went out for another dead stray cat on the street today. obviously ran over by a vehicle. i wish i saw the cat earlier, i would've brought it home.

i noticed how the trees in the middle of the main streets have grown. giving shade to cars/ jeepney's stuck in traffic.

i remember how good it was to go have a walk with a child in the morning. i tried smiling at a little girl today. she's pretty and was just beginning to learn how to walk. i wished i could do it again someday.

i noticed the little things. not because they were screaming to be noticed, but because i wanted to. i opened my eyes to the little things...beautiful or otherwise...and i suddenly realized how small i am as well...to this grand creation that God has made. small yet necessary for His plan. today, i am here because God made me... be a part of something big and beautiful.


Currently listening to: magmahal muli - say & sam
Currently reading: the wind-up bird chronicle - h. murakami
Currently feeling: thoughtful
Posted by princess_bride on December 5, 2005 at 09:06 AM | 6 danced with me

amidst the current merry mood of the season, i find myself in a rut. feeling shitty most of the time. taking crap from people at work. sometimes it really gets to you. since when did competition became favorable to those who were less competent? i hate office politicking. argghhh!!!!

i tried looking at the brighter side of things. but its really eating me up. sometimes you think that reaching out to people could ease the burden...but its true, without any hand to hold onto you just slip away. you fall way down...and hit dirt.  i just realized that you never get solution to your issues from other people. its only thy self that you can depend upon and nobody else. sad but true.

i wanna get out of this rut. i am working my way out....sigh...

Currently listening to: akin ka na lang - itchyworms
Currently reading: the wind-up bird chronicle - h. murakami
Currently feeling: annoyed
Posted by princess_bride on December 8, 2005 at 03:00 PM | 4 danced with me

yes, after many days of keeping all these emotions bottled-up inside me, i've finally broke down yesterday. out of frustration and helplessness. i just can't understand the turn of events and the injustice in what is happening to me at work. it's been a long time since i last sobbed that way. pathetic talaga!

been asking Kuya Jes for His guidance and enlightenment. its really a difficult time for me right now. i will just have to surrender all this burden to Him. coz at this point, i feel that cannot carry it anymore.

Currently listening to: half of you - jinky vidal
Currently reading: the wind-up bird chronicle - h. murakami
Currently feeling: frustrated
Posted by princess_bride on December 9, 2005 at 08:39 AM | 8 danced with me
(J-Kwon and Soluna)

I know you’re out there baby…

There’s someone out there for me
I know she’s waiting so patiently
Can you tell me her name?
This life long search is gon’ drive me insane

How does she laugh?
How does she cry?
What’s the color of her eyes?
Does she even realize im here?
Where is she?

Where is she?
Where is she?
Where is this beautiful girl?
Who is she?
Who is she?
Whos gonna complete my world?

Where is she?
Where is she?
Where is the beautiful girl?
Who is she?
Who is she?
Whos gonna complete my world?

I’m stain’ out at the sky,
Prayin that he will walk in my life
Where is the man of my dreams? Ya ya
I’ll wait forever how serious it seems

How does he laugh?
How does he cry?
Whats the color of his eyes?
Does he even realize im here?
Where is he?

Where is he?
Where is he?
Where is this beautiful guy?
Who is he?
Who is he?
Whos gonna take me so high?
Where is he?
Where is he?
Where’s this beautiful guy?
Who is he?
Who is he?
Who is gonna take me so high?

Theres someone out there for me
(theres someone out there for me)
I know shes waiting so patiently
(so patiently)
Can you tell me her name?
(can you tell me his name?)
This life long search is gon’ drive me insane

How does he laugh?
How does he cry?
Whats the color of his eyes?
Does he even realize im here?

Where is she?

Where is she?
Where is she?
Where is this beautiful girl?
Who is she?
Who is she?
Whos gonna complete my life?

Where is he?
Where is he?
Where is this beautiful guy?
Who is he?
Who is he?
Who gonna take me so high?
Posted by princess_bride on December 9, 2005 at 11:22 AM | dance with me
(Faith Hill)

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here in silence
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fills your heart with love


christmas is not the same for me this year. it would feel better if i could have someone to share the cold nights with and the merry mood. but then again, maybe....just maybe...He wants me to spend Christmas only with Him this year. Advance Happy Birthday Jesus!
Currently listening to: sandalan - 6th cycle mind
Currently reading: the wind-up bird chronicle (book2) - h. murakami
Currently feeling: working
Posted by princess_bride on December 13, 2005 at 07:47 AM | dance with me
(jinky vidal and joshua)

now and then i wonder where you are
and where you've been
we were friends but deep inside my heart
i always knew i only needed one not two
i wish that i could say the same for you

everyday i held you oh so dear
and close to my heart
i was yours
i thought that you were mine only from the start
we made a vow to be as one
but the day you came
put the love to shame
and now the magic's gone

i never want enough of you
sharing you will just not do
gotta be one on one or it won't be done
they say you want enough of me
why couldn't it be two not three
it's too late
i won't take half of you

since you're gone
i had some time to think abt my life
and now i, i know that i won't make
this mistake twice
so there's no need for you to call
found another man who will understand the woman that i am

oh yeah thinking of my baby
i wanna say that i'm sorry
say that i'm sorry
but i promise you if u take me back
i would be a better man

found another man who will understand the woman that i am
the woman that i am

its too late
i won't take half of you....


i really love this song. couldn't find it on the net so i had to take down the lyrics via my zen micro. dumugo siguro tenga ng mga katabi ko ngayong lunch break. hehehe

its about a guy who two timed his girl. so he was trying to get her back but the girl wouldn't hear of it. well, its my most hated situation by the way. being cheated on. the wound will cut you so deep that it would be very hard to get back on your feet. i've been through it before. and i wish i could say that it would be the last of it. but i know that i can never be sure what the future holds for me.

i guess guys are natural two-timers (oooppsss bato bato sa langit ang tamaan wag magagalit) i didn't say that all of them are into it. but most of them are. (those @#$%&@*$) and here's the thing there. they'd still lie about it even if caught red handed. geezzz...i wish they could just be honest abt it so that both of you could just go on with your lives.

yeah, maybe you are still bitter abt it. coz after trying to work things out, he'd tell you that there's nothing in it when in fact there's more to it then he's telling you. well, here's the deal..."what goes around comes around"....i guess you just have to learn the hard way.
Currently listening to: Name - googoo dolls
Currently feeling: pensive
Posted by princess_bride on December 13, 2005 at 01:50 PM | 7 danced with me
"Here in the darkness, with its strange sense of significance, my memories began to take on a power they had never had before. The fragmentary images they called up inside me were mysteriously vivid in every detail, to the point where i felt i could grasp them in my hands." H. Murakami - The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

i am so much enjoying reading this book. there's a certain kind of weirdness in the writer's style - deeply philosophical. simply expressed yet so profound. it's that type of material that you'd want to read all over again not wanting to miss any message embedded in the story.

being in the dark whether literally or otherwise make an impact on one's life. ironically, it is where one sees the light. making everything else around you more clear, more significant, more glaring. one gets to reflect more and look back at memories like it was flashing right before your very eyes. and then certain things strike you, necessary to make your next step.

of course trying to see the light is never easy. you'd be crippled with fear at first. hesitation and doubt the next. but once you get used to the darkness...you begin to open your eyes and see the illumination of a thought...just like light!

i got this text message this morning from a friend, it goes: "when i know things are not meant for me, i learn to let go. it doesn't mean i'm weak, but i'm just showing how strong i am to fight the urge of wanting something i'm not supposed to have" and it struck me like lightning...been in the dark for so long. didn't realize i was lingering...sometimes, groping for the light is not easy especially in pitch black darkness.

Currently listening to: what am i to you - norah jones
Currently reading: The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle (Book 2) H. Murakami
Currently feeling: hopeful
Posted by princess_bride on December 16, 2005 at 10:06 AM | 2 danced with me
majayjay, laguna - another new adventure for me yesterday. it's like being in baguio. though it seems that in this place rain doesn't let up. cel signal was terrible for sun subscribers. so i had to borrow my friends globe sim so i could check on my kids.

attended a baptism and since we were all in a new place we took advantage and celebrated our department's xmas party there. it was so much fun. especially when we involved the kids in the games. well everything has its place and purpose really. we are glad to bring fun to a quiet place like theirs. and its good that they loved the music i played...dj ata ang dating ko kahapon...hehehe

on our way home we experienced unbelievable traffic. the regular travel time is 3 to 3 1/2 hours. but it took us almost 6 hours going back to Manila. terrible indeed. glad to have my zen micro handy. i was singing the whole time. couldn't get myself to sleep. a hired-jeepney is not really a very comfortable vehicle for long drive. i was so tired when i got home. pheww...

after chatting with some friends...gave in to my exhausted self...hugged my Chogi (my big teddy bear) and dozed into deep slumber....(and who said that stuff toys are just for kids? they are for adults too who doesn't have any warm body to hug on a cold december night...sigh)

meet Chogi...solo...and a pose together with my son... so huggable indeed.

Currently listening to: the first cut is the deepest - sheryl crow
Currently reading: the wind-up bird chronicle (book2) - h. murakami
Currently feeling: okay
Posted by princess_bride on December 18, 2005 at 03:25 PM | 4 danced with me
here's more of his pics...at shempre di ako magpapatalo...magkasama pa kme...and meron din with his sis Sunade.

Currently listening to: my hump - black eyed peas
Currently feeling: sleepy
Posted by princess_bride on December 18, 2005 at 07:39 PM | 6 danced with me
(kelly clarkson)

Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies

Well, I'm all grown up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream

So here's my lifelong wish
My grown up christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
and wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list

As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree

Well heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list

What is this illusion called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth
(there'd be)

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end, oh
This is my grown up christmas list

This is my grown up christmas list


my all-time favorite christmas song. and all these, i wish would come true...for you, for me and for all humanity. (ngeks parang ms. universe ang dating!)
Posted by princess_bride on December 18, 2005 at 08:04 PM | 2 danced with me

Natapos na ang lahat
nandito pa rin ako
hetong nakatulala
sa mundo

hindi mo maiisip
hindi mo makikita
ang mga pangarap ko
para sa iyo

hindi ko maisip
kung wala ka
sa buhay ko

nariyan ka pa ba
hindi ka na matanaw
kung merong madadaanang

sundan mo ang paghimig na lulan
na aking pinagtanto
sundan mo ang paghimig ko


a sad song, can't understand why i have to relate to it at this point in my life. i want to deny it...i am denying it. maybe it's just the season that does this to me. maybe its just the thought of being alone again on this special season.

another lonely year for me....another sad moment. i think i deserve to be happy this year. i hope santa claus can read this. i've been a good girl....well, maybe a bit naughty from time to time but i've been good most of the time. does that count? sigh.....

Currently reading: the wind-up bird chronicle (book2) - h. murakami
Currently feeling: lonely
Posted by princess_bride on December 20, 2005 at 05:44 PM | 4 danced with me
i just had the most tiring day at work as of this month today. i couldn't even join the others who were enjoying opening gifts from their counterparts. and right now, my head is throbbing like crazy. i guess my eyes got too stressed from reviewing all those payment docs to thousands of lessors. and i am not even supposed to be doing this. but my staff is kind of indisposed at this time so i had to fill in the responsibility. the benefits of a multi-tasking environment. sighhh... not that i am complaining. i guess i'm just really exhausted.

3 more days to go...and His big day is coming. i wish i could just be thankful for all the blessings i had this year. but human nature dictates that there is never satisfaction in this lifetime. i have a number of reasons to be sad...its been a year since i last talked to my sisters and my mom. i've been declared an outcast because of reasons i don't want to remember anymore. another thing is that the fact that i am having another "loveless" year-end. hehehe still hoping that i could share my pains, disappoinments, happiness and what-have-you's to a breathing soul someday. and not just with a life-size teddy bear.

but i have also a number of reasons to be happy about...my healthy, and "makulit" kids...my patient friends...our growing business...surviving a surgery...a full year without physical suffering (of course i'm talking abt something other than that caused by sickness) ...a reconciliation with my dad...my thoughtful team at work......etc...etc...

come to think of it...i have more reasons to be thankful for.....then why do i still feel so empty? do i need to forgive and forget more? do i need to let go of someone? do i need to open my heart, my eyes to some realities i am not ready to accept? am i in denial about how i truly feel about things i shouldn't be thinking about anymore? should i stop being the person that i am? should i just stop looking for happiness and start counting my blessings?

yes, maybe its just a matter of perspective.... maybe i am overanalyzing things again... maybe i should stop doing things that i know will only hurt me in the end... maybe i should not take risks... maybe its time to stop waiting... because i don't deserve anything more that what i have right now...maybe its time to stop being so melodramatic!

shyucks i just want to disappear from the earth right now, right this very second... i wish i could just hide from everything... hide from the light... welcome the darkness... and maybe the truth will be vividly seen...glaring like a flash of light... that this heart of mine is meant to be alone.

i'm just being stupid today...tired and stupid. sighhh....

Currently reading: the wind-up bird chronicle (book2) - h. murakami
Currently feeling: silly
Posted by princess_bride on December 21, 2005 at 08:40 PM | 2 danced with me
i find it interesting to be able to interpret dreams. but i haven't really read any material to pursue this interest. though i believe that there's something about dreams that we should really look into. they maybe things of the past or the present, or even a premonition of the future. even the wildest and weirdest dream could mean or represent something.

haven't seriously thought about it until something that happened in my past started with a really weird dream that i have laughed off as just a weird occurence. it wasn't my dream anyway, but looking back, i realize how much it represents what was about to happen to me that time. i wish i had that gift... the gift to understand dreams. it could've saved me from the stuff i went through that time. well, maybe not.... things do happen for a reason. right now, the only reason i can think of is that its just something to make me a stronger person.

cliche really. but as vague as things were left behind that time...i have no other choice but to grope for something more solid... like groping for a ladder from the bottom of a deep well. maybe that's why i am as interested in knowing what really happened or is happening. not that i want to dwell on the past. its just more of understanding myself, the others and the situation as well. i guess its not the right time. i hope the right moment to understand things will come soon. it might heal me... heal the wound the past has left behind.

its been more than 5 mos... i wish it wasn't anything special. i could've just thrown the memories away. but then again, it isn't my nature... i'm being too sensitive, too emotional, too sentimental. that's just how i am. maybe that's the problem... i think i should learn to - "not be me". sighhh...
Currently listening to: i fall so deep - gary barlow
Currently reading: the wind-up bird chronicle (book2) - h. murakami
Currently feeling: tired
Posted by princess_bride on December 22, 2005 at 04:47 PM | dance with me



Lagi nalang umu-ulan
Parang walang katapusan
Tulad ng paghihirapko ngayon
Parang walang humpay
Sa kabila ng lahat ng aking pagsisikap
Na limutin ka ay di parin magawa

Hindi naman ako tanga
Alam ko na wala kana
Pero mahirap lang na tanggapin
Di na kita kapiling
Iniwan mo ako nag-iisa
Sa gitna ng dilim at basing-basa pa sa ulan

Pero huwag mag-alala
dina kita gagambalain
Alam ko naman ngayon
may kapiling ka nang-iba

Tanging hiling ko sa’yo
Na tuwing umu-ulan
Maalala mo sanang may
Nagmamahal sa’yo. Ako…..

Currently reading: the wind-up bird chronicle (book3) - h. murakami
Currently feeling: sleepy
Posted by princess_bride on December 27, 2005 at 09:19 AM | dance with me

how can things be funny and sad at the same time? well, its seems that life is fond of playing twisted jokes on me. why is it that you often get entangled in a never ending circle of what-if's and what-might-have-beens. crazy really. sometimes in your journey in pursuing for your love or for whatever it is that you feel strongly for, you end up getting disappointed...maybe because you feel that you are not getting what you have shared in return. and its really funny coz you kept pursuing for that dream....and someone thinks the same way of you. only, you don't feel the same. now, that's sad.

so it leaves you wondering how to get out of this mess. coz its really a futile effort to keep on treading this path. sometimes you just wish that memories can be washed away by the rain. sometimes you want to regret what you let yourself into. sometimes you pray hard that you get out of this soon. what makes it so difficult to unlove someone? inspite of that person's imperfections...i don't know. i surrender...i want out! and i am doing my best to walk away from this. coz i get more hurt when i learn that she is hurting you. and i am helpless...and hopeless. coz you won't budge.

its silly, funny, sad, frustrating, a mix of all those feelings just makes me wanna burst. i want to hate you so i can get over you...but i can't. and i hate myself coz i can't do anything about this. you said you don't want to hurt me again ever....then why this? why do i feel pain when she gives you pain...when you rant of her inconsistencies...when you crave for something that she cannot give?

this isn't just being silly....i am being foolish...and i should stop!

Currently listening to: foolish heart - side A
Currently feeling: sad
Posted by princess_bride on December 27, 2005 at 06:20 PM | 2 danced with me
"1 lesson i learnt throughout this whole ordeal. I will never be happy if lived for someone else's happiness. I will not feel fulfilled, if i live to what others expect of me. I feel happiest being who i am. And thats who i wanna be right now. No more nonsense, no more heroic self sacrifice. What good does it do if sacrifice uncalled for brings only unmet expectations? I think i'm better this way. I think i'm happier this way.

I've stop beating myself up for things that are not going my way. I've come to terms with accepting that i've did my best and given my all. If thats not good enough, i know that its not within my means. No point in feeling depressed and inadequate. I know i'm more than that. Much more." (from James_Tay's Journal)

I think I should start doing this. I should wake up from this reverie. I thought I was over this. I think I am dwelling too much on things that I cannot hold onto. I should stop going around in circles. I have never felt so small and so insignificant in my life. And that shouldn't be the case. I am needed by people who needs me. I am loved by people who accepts me as who I am. I have to start to think of myself. Stop being selfless cause it's getting me nowhere. It has to end right here, right now. I am breaking free...

Currently listening to: two trick pony - sandwich
Currently reading: the wind-up bird chronicle (book3)-h. murakami
Currently feeling: accomplished
Posted by princess_bride on December 28, 2005 at 08:15 AM | 12 danced with me

what does it take to achieve happiness? how does one get hold of such an evasive state of being? it is a lifelong search i believe. i bet that i am not alone in this line of thought.

some think that it is a state of mind. when you believe and you think you are happy, then you are. it must take a lot of effort in being satisfied with what you have. contradictory to the human element of wanting more than what you already have.

some think that another's happiness is yours as well. talk about being selfless and being blindly in love. well, maybe one can say such, but deep inside are you really happy when you feel empty?

some are superficially "happy" with material things. when they get what they want there is the feeling of overwhelming satisfaction. but does that mean you are really contented? will a big house, a fat bank account, a groovy car compensate for the laughter, the hand-fitting- yours, the love of someone to share all these blessings with?

some feel that power is the end-all of our being. a successful career, the feeling that one can rule the universe will equate to a feeling of satisfaction. but does this mean that trampling on another human being is the right path to jubilation?

some say that serving Him and others is the right path to "heaven on earth". but why is it that inspite of that, it still entails so much pain and sacrifice that you won't even feel bliss? (well maybe not in this lifetime though)

i honestly do not know the path. if there is such a way to happiness, i doubt it if there is such a map to that destination. at this point, all i can do is believe (that it is achievable), hope (that good times are ahead), and pray (that we may be guided towards this path).

it may be not an easy road to tread. it may take more time for wounds to heal. it may involve more suffering and heartbreak. but i will find it...sometime...somewhere... somehow.

Currently listening to: through the rain - mariah carey
Currently reading: the wind-up bird chronicle(book 3) - h. murakami
Currently feeling: contemplative
Posted by princess_bride on December 29, 2005 at 10:05 AM | 9 danced with me
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