i wasn't able to enjoy the vacation much. spent most of the time with eyes shut simply because of stupidity. left my contact lens on when i slept 2 nights ago. and this is what i get. a very irritated left eye. i could hardly keep it open for a long time.

i was hoping with eyes this way i could spend the time sleeping to make up for overworking the past few days. but lo and behold, my mind is often wide awake in the wee hours of the morning. drastic changes around me makes me uneasy. mostly abt work. i've been putting off a change in environment for a long while.

i was giving myself and the Company more time to "jive". but i guess different needs and goals makes me want to move on. i can't find it here moreso even being parallel with what i have in mind in the next five years. time is gold, i can't afford that much time. i need to act fast. i do have a handful of things to look forward to in the horizon. but i have to be really careful with my decision. coz i want this to be something long term, worthwhile and productive.

well, i hope things do work out for me soon. i'm tired of getting stuck in this rut. pretending that things will get better when its not. being happy in a company is a two-way thing. just like any relationship. the progressive company has to be challenging, stimulating and supportive of its employees and their achievements. it should be a safe place to work in and it treats its employees fairly. people enjoy working there and give their best to achieve the company's goals and targets.

now that is definitely my ideal company. but of course, one cannot expect to get the whole package. well, at least knowing that there would be continuous learning i feel that more than the financial package this is really what i am after. i am keeping my fingers crossed, and abundant prayers at hand to get me through this. wish me luck!

you know what? every girl dreams of being swept off her feet by someone perfect, but that doesn't happen because no one is perfect. not even the girl who wishes for someone who is.

in the end, you can only wish two broken persons could try to make it as great as it could possibly be and even if it isn't perfect at least for the two of them it is.

"Close as he and I are, there's a certain distance now, a feeling that while we have a lot in common, good fences still make good neighbors."

The most selfish one letter word..."I"...AVOID IT.

The most satisfying two-letter word..."WE"...USE IT.

The most poisonous three-letter word..."EGO"...KILL IT.

The most used four-letter word..."LOVE"...VALUE IT.

The most pleasing five-letter word..."SMILE"...KEEP IT.

The fastest spreading six-letter word..."RUMOUR"...IGNORE IT.

The hardest working seven-letter word..."SUCCESS"...ACHIEVE IT.

The most enviable eight-letter word..."JEALOUSY"...DISTANCE IT.

The most powerful nine-letter word..."KNOWLEDGE"...ACQUIRE IT.

The most essential ten-letter word..."CONFIDENCE"...TRUST IT.

(sarah mclachlan)

Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

[Chorus:]

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

[Chorus]

everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know

[Chorus]

i was chatting with friends last night. the usual conference conversations in YM. we were having fun roasting each other. then suddenly, out of the blue a rude joke was thrown by...none other than me. it was unintentional, i swear. but till now i feel so bad knowing i hurt someone special to me. there are times when you just want to inflict pain on yourself for being so insensitive and reckless. ughhh....(my sincere apologies tatang...di na po mauulit)

************

visited an officemate in a hospital last night. when i was on my way out, bumped into Sister Isabel Angela, our Sch of the Holy Spirit High School Principal during my graduating year. since the hospital was run by S.Sp.S. congregation she was there for an assignment. she could hardly recognize me. hehehe...well, i guess age and motherhood can change a person a lot.

did a little catching up. who's who and where is who. honestly i forgot most of their names. hahaha. she was lightly scolding me for not keeping in touch with my batchmates. but i do, its just that i really don't have time for their socials and consistent bragging. hah! rich brats! although some are really nice girls. oh well, maybe i have to attend in one of our mini reunions sometime. but even my highschool barkada don't have enough patience to put up with these pa-sosyal gals. sigh...

wow...just got back from a really fast overview of the new accounting standards (PAS and PFRS). this smart guy from sgv conducted the seminar. apparently, we are moving towards international standards already. implementation started as soon as year 2000. this year the remaining 8 standards will be implemented. so many changes....so many things to be familiar with. it's been, what? more than ten years...and i feel like i need to go back to school to really understand everything. sigh

plus: all these are happening, parallel with the new e-vat law implementation effective Nov 1. ugghhh

i'm done in preparing the draft of the process flow needed for the new tax law implementation. including SAP system reconfiguration requests to ultimately achieve smooth implementation. so much work to be done...so little time to prepare.

there is really nothing constant in this world except ....CHANGE. given our economy, the nature of the industry and career i'm in, it seems that major changes are taking place every once in awhile. its up to me to keep myself updated and adjusted to all these.

sometimes i wish i can just stay at home and take care of my kids...but even that is something inconceivable for me. their changing needs as they grow up can keep a mom as toxic as any other accountant rushing urgent month-end reports.

so i'm really left with no choice but to ride with the tides. i guess i just have to deal!

i just know that my "red flag up" day is coming when...

...i feel so bloated. its like i have this balloon inside me. ugghhh

...i get oversensitive on trivial things

...i crave for sweets, salty or sour food

...my bumpers hurt

...i love to oversleep hehehe

...i feel so ugly (though i'm not saying that i've been in the pretty state. hehehe ang labo!)

...i have this urge to binge on anything edible. sigh

...i get super "horny" (okey kids cover your eyes. parental guidance ito ha...i honestly dunno why and what's the connection but it happens....hahaha)

its really a weird state to be in. but it does come in a woman's life every month. i'm just glad that the rollercoaster emo stuff is done and over with. i guess the hormonal imbalance got fixed after the surgery.

i just had chicharon for merienda.... now i want some chocolates.... sigh

since we don't have uniform here at work, my team make it a point to wear something similar somehow may it be color coding or the make of our clothes. today, our motif is knitted blouse. goshes, still feeling really really bloated...i had no choice but to wear this blouse that shows my curves. GAD! good thing if they were nice....they are not! shucks i really feel so ugly and sloppy these days...i think i need to watch my diet. this PMS thing is killing me....arrggghhhhhh!!! (i think its the inner heat that i can't get out that's doing this to me...hehehe...i can do something abt it...but ...it is really killing me)

i have to vent this out somewhere...good thing work can keep my mind busy. been working really late the past few days. then i need to work again on my free day (tomorrow). sighhh.. what i wouldn't give for a day under the sun, in a clear blue beach with white sand...and someone to hold and....F*#K .

hormones behave!

what are your favorite things (not in any order)...

- my zen micro (and all my other music gadgets)
- my celfon
- my kikayish accessories
- books
- PC
- my bags
- my shoes
- my contact lens
- my kikay kit (and everything in it)

what does favorite mean? (as defined in http://www.m-w.com/) one that is treated or regarded with special favor or liking; especially

in my case, my favorite things hardly change ...maybe some additional items as time goes by...but once a favorite always stays one.

same goes with my favorite people.... but i guess that's just me. sighh..

(by 311)

Before you're pointed at me
There is a possibility
You better turn that thing around
The fits come easily
So don't you tread on me
Cause I will knock you down

Some days it seems it's not worth it
The fight in me is all gone
And I'm not trying to be perfect
But just get one damn thing done
Before I lose control
I pick myself from the floor

Before you're pointed at me
There is a possibility
You better turn that thing around
The fits come easily
So don't you tread on me
Cause I will knock you down

Never come a day that I'll solve you
Consequently I could never leave you
In the shadow of those looming battleships
I love our canoe
I'm ready for the falls
And those still waters we will find are true

Oh there's a clock in my head
And despite what it says
Another one on the wall
They don't agree at all
And there's a schism in me
And despite what you see
You might see me as calm
But I go out like a bomb

Before you're pointed at me
There is a possibility
You better turn that thing around
The fits come easily
So don't you tread on me
Cause I will knock you down

Whoa
Oh in the comfort of strangers
You don't see the danger
Of just letting it flow
This I know

Before you're pointed at me
There is a possibility
You better turn that thing around
The fits come easily
So don't you tread on me
Cause I will knock you down

inspite of working during the weekend, it seems that my load isn't getting any lighter. my deadlines are looming in the horizon and i keep getting calls already from our svp. the long vacation during the first week caused all these. my report being dependent on the system (sap) and on processes of various departments made it more difficult and time-constraining to prepare. to add insult to injury...it is the first report being required by upper management. so here i am toxic and super harassed...i need to de-stress...that's why the time for my blog.

i have a crush at work. i dunno...he just seem to be a nice guy. i just appreciate his gentle nature and his looks. i don't know him personally, but i'm just happy to see him everyday. sometimes i wish i could just say hi and give him a smile. but i can't get myself to do it ...hahaha... goshes!....i feel that i'm too old for this already... wake up!

get back to work girl!

(dan hartman)

no more timing
each tear that falls from my eyes
i'm not hiding
the remedy to cure this old heart of mine

i can dream about you
if i can't hold you tonight
i can dream about you
you know how to hold me just right
i can dream about you
if i can't hold you tonight
i can dream about you
you know how to hold me just right

moving sidewalk
i don't see under my feet
climbing up from
down here below
where the streets see me lonely for you

i can dream about you
if i can't hold you tonight
i can dream about you
you know how to hold me just right
(i can dream about you)
i'm gonna press my lips against you
and hold you tight to me
(i can dream about you)
you know you got me spellbound
what else can it be

moving sidewalks
i don't see under my feet
climbing up from the pain in my heart
'cause it's you that i need

i can dream
whoooa-oh, oooh, oh-oh, oh
(whoooa-oh, oooh, oh-oh, oh)
i can dream
yes i can dream
whoooa-oh, oooh, oh-oh, oh

i don't understand it
i can't keep my mind off loving you
(not even for a minute)
oooh, now baby,
i'm caught up in the magic i see in you
there's one thing to do

i can dream about you
if i can't hold you tonight
i can dream about you
you know how to hold me just right
(whoooa-oh, oooh, oh-oh, oh)
i can dream about you
if i can't hold you tonight
oooh, i can dream about you
oooh, i can dream..

you are at the palm of her hands
using and abusing you
just like her favorite puppy
called you when needed...seeked you when convenient

while she, gave her heart and soul to you
caring and loving you
yet you never noticed
she left and silently cried inside

you caught her eye
like a pretty toy to play with
and you fell for her devious ways
appreciated you when useful...fancied you when needed

while she, sat in the darkness
waiting for a shed of light
praying for your happiness
both her palms up facing the sky

now who is lucky?
the princess who found her knight,
or the girl standing still, praying for your plight?
it must be you who have both of them at your side

*****************************

written this at 2 am. had a rough night again. sigh

gloomy weather i should say. and my mood is keeping up with it. stilll busy at work as usual. i need to finish my report before the end of the week. because on monday i will be going out of town for a two-day seminar in Tagaytay.

maybe a little time to relax and unwind as well. looking forward to it. i guess i need a break from my daily routine. i probably need time to think things over. a few things that shouldn't be bothering me anymore but still is. i think my hormones has a lot to do with it. 2nd red flag day. sigh

i am trying my very best to keep my distance. no building of walls though...just taking my time to realize my purpose. until when can i handle getting myself hurt all the time? until when will i let myself be stringed along... letting myself believe that it will get better tomorrow? until when will i let myself be mistreated? until when will i make excuses for another's misbehavior? i'm tired of this, of putting up with.....ME!!!

nothing to look forward to today. i am just counting the days...till...christmas...hehehe...kidding! well, maybe seeing AA today is enough to get this day through. i saw him looking yesterday. couldn't even bring myself to say hi. grrrrr....

work is getting better though. i am at a 90% stage already. received last night the working trial balance with adjustments from gen acctg. now its time to reconcile my opex figures with theirs. done with the variance analysis vs last month as well.

now its time to get back to my other projects. the sap reconfiguration for the evat is under the testing stage already. and for my AP clean up i've sent a partial file to treasury for their comments. further clean-up is still required. need to get this done before the year ends.

things are falling into their proper place here at work. i also decided not to resign anymore. well, not until i come across with a really good deal somewhere. meantime, i have to put my skills into good use here. it is a continuous learning process as well. can't waste time moping on foregone benefits. i have to learn to count my blessings everyday.

It's impossible to make much progress if you're busy clinging to the very things that hold you back. At some point you must decide whether you want to truly move forward or not.

When you constantly have to work against your own negative habits and thought patterns, success will continue to elude you. Real achievement begins the moment you make the firm commitment to put yourself on your own side.

You think thousands of thoughts and take hundreds of actions on a daily basis. Within those thoughts and actions there is enormous opportunity to make real, substantial progress.

How much of that abundance of opportunity are you utilizing to move your life forward? And how much is being wasted, or even worse, pushing you backwards?

When you replace a negative, destructive habit with a creative, productive one, you get a double gain. You are suddenly free from something that was holding you back, and on top of that there is a new force working to move you forward.

Use your thoughts, use your words, and use the actions you take each day to put yourself squarely on your own side. And you'll be well on the way toward whatever you choose to achieve.

-- Ralph Marston

after how many days of hardly sleeping, i finally slept like a baby last night. but with the help of some medication.

been itching like crazy the past few days. one of the reasons why i hardly get good sleep these days. allergies i presume. or high blood sugar. (diabetes...sigh) alhough there are no visible skin implications. i had to take some anti-histamines (iterax) to relieve the itching.

whenever i take this med, there is this numbing effect on me, and a tendency to oversleep. its sedating effects, i found out, is also a solution to insomniac patients. (like moi!) i always have the med handy at home, but i only take it when i feel extremely uncomfortable with the itching.

i hope its as easy as "when you itch you scratch"- thing. i guess i just have to be thankful that it has no adverse effect on my skin.

now what does this entry have to do with the title? absolutely nothing.

haven't seen AA today. i think he's out of town on OB. tsk tsk tsk too bad so how can i be in love on a friday? well, i'm not...hehehe... my entries titles this week are song titles. i just feel like using 'em. just to note the day of the week. well, definitely it could only go on for a week. don't have enough resources for days of the week in song titles.

tomorrow is divisoria day. yahooo....my bestfriend at work is going and i decided to tag along. never had the courage to go to that place on my own. the area is too complicated for me to learn the ins and outs. well, getting there is easy but once you're there and you've searched around for stuff...i doubt it if i could find my way out.

**************

there are a lot of loose ends in my life right now. but i decided to leave it at that. i can't afford to resolve them only to find out that i cannot keep my resolutions. this time, i decide to not talk abt it anymore and just act on it when i need to. right now, i think i'm proving myself right...and the weight of my decisions are getting a bit clearer by the day. i have to stop being melodramatic abt it. i just have to learn how to deal. this is long overdue girl, you will find your place in the sun...someday!

just got back from a 2 day teambuilding seminar in Phinma Tagaytay. it's been awhile since i last attended one. i felt a bit rusty for not being able to tickle my brain for sometime in a different manner and atmosphere altogether. once i got the hang of things, i became one of the more active participants. had so much fun with my team and with the whole group as well.

the activities, were balanced enough to achieve the programs' objectives. the facilitators were great and the ambiance and food was just enough for everyone. the free flowing brewed coffee was such a treat for me. i never had a sleepy moment the whole time. i'm just a bit tired right now for all the physical stress done during the culminating activity. overall, i had fun, made new friends and we are all inspired to get back to work and make use of everything we've learned from the seminar.

i just feel like i'm coming down with colds. it must be the cold weather in tagaytay that induced this. my throat hurts so much i have difficulty swallowing.

so tomorrow its time to synergize. hehehehe

the divisoria trip sat morning was great. got dizzy going around one cluster. when we got to 168 mall, my legs were too tired to move and pursue the adventure of bumping into throngs of people. so i had to surrender and decide to go home instead. anyway, now that i know how to get there and go home from there, i think i can manage going there alone.

in the evening i met some of my high school friends, since one was busy with a gig of Hale (she handles the groups schedules, etc) at ICA we had to wait for her in greenhills to finish so that we could have dinner together. after going around the tiangge (which was already starting to close at 8pm) we went to Promenade and look for a place to hang out. after oggling at the books at Fully Booked we had hot drinks at xocolate but stayed at starbucks so that we could smoke. the Hale gig finished at around 12am, afterwhich we were picked up by a friend to go to Moomba at Mother Ignacia St. in QC.

it was a cool place to de-stress. had dinner and a few drinks, listened to a "so-so band" hehehe...and then went home. we had so much fun that we decided to do this more often. i get to see them once a month. now, i think they plan to do it weekly. well, why not as long as the budget permits.

wanted to post our pic taken from my friend's SE K750i. but the file is too big i could not even have it emailed. sigh. howell, maybe next time i'll just have to use my fon.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

- Pablo Neruda

***************************

i just love his poems. this is one of my favorites.

i was chatting with a friend last nite. he shared a lot abt himself that i couldn't help but remember my teenage years. i was full of angst. a rebel without a cause, mad at the world and society. so much like him. i recall the thought of killing myself so many times. but it remained a thought. i guess i was just too scared to carry those plans out or plainly stupid to even think of doing it.

i found the will to live in so many instances. my sisters look up to me. my parents were proud of me. my friends rely on my presence when they were down. and most of all, God made Himself felt in ways that would surprise me. yes, i have my own darkness, but like you, the real me would always prevail. because i let her...and because i wanted her to be loved...by me and by people around her. it was the main reason why i wanted to go on living.

yes, i risked loving and hurting. sometimes feeling the pain of experiencing the bad times was too much for me to bear. but i tried to hang on. i surrounded myself with friends, with people who care for me. and i pray...pray so hard even if a lot of times i started doubting Him. i know that the world can be cruel sometimes. i know how difficult it is to always pick yourself up from the dirt. i know how painful it is to love again only to get hurt in the end.

but these are facts of life. and we just have to deal with it. i used to wish that in some magical moment i could carry myself away from this. in one swish of a wand all the hurt in my past will be wiped away. but it doesn't happen that way. you have to learn to be wise. you have to be hurt to be able to love. and you know what's the best thing abt our life...it is being able to feel the miracle of living in so many enchanting ways. in time, everything will fall into place. in time, you will find the right person for you. in time, all wounds will heal.

had a telethon with a friend last night errr this morning pala. interesting discussion by the way. i guess it had something to do with maturity. okey i won't elaborate. baka batukan ako eh. hahaha

i was thrown questions that i thought only a boy abunda could ask...hahaha...napaisip tuloy ako. yung mga tipong what do you want to happen in your life this 2006 or if you'll be asked for a xmas wish what would it be? oh diba? i wish they were just mud pies where i could dodge whenever i saw 'em coming. ganon tipong mga tanong. mga tanong na ayaw mong sagutin dahil ayaw mong umasa or ayaw mong ibalik yung nakaraan.

but i enjoyed every minute of it. kahit na bumabagsak na ang mata ko dahil naka-drugs na naman ako. (anti-histamine...wehehehe) its really great to talk to people who have no qualms in sharing anything about their lives. walang kyeme. very straightforward. downright honest and transparent. no dull moment ika nga.

it's also refreshing to be able to relate to a different "world" altogether. the world in the eyes of a mature and wise person. (naks ang drama..hahah). the perspective of the rich, the known and the intelligent o sige isasama ko na din ang the more physically endowed people on earth. (ano ba 'to paramihan ng words?)

hayyy naku tama na nga....kulang lang sa tulog 'to.

i have been browsing the net just recently and stumbled upon good books that i've tagged to buy/ read soon. i been trying to finish The Rule of Four for the longest time. but since so much has been happening to me at work, i hardly have time to indulge in my favorite past time. my eyes are too tired in the evening to force myself to read the small fonts in my book. (oo na apat na mata ko...sigh)

hopefully, i get to finish it this long weekend. i hope i could squeeze some time for this. although me and my kids are preparing to leave at 1 am for La Union to attend a family reunion...i do hope i could sit down for at least an hour to finish the book and move on to another. reading books is like having relationships...if its interesting enough, you linger around and absorb everything. otherwise, you just digress...and give time if you have some to waste.

anyway, i came across something...i just thought i'd share it here. it's a review from a book by John Dufresne. an excerpt goes like this:

"Love is anticipation and memory, uncertainty and longing. It's unreasonable, of course. Nothing begins with so much excitement and hope and pleasure as love, except maybe writing a story. And nothing fails as often, except writing stories. And like a story, love must be troubled to be interesting. We crave love, can't live without its intimacy, though it pains us. Judi told me that every person in therapy has a love disorder: never felt love, can't find love, trapped by love, unraveled by love, thinks love is lust or love is loss, fears love, loves too much, uses love for profit, jealous in love, lost in love, love affairs, unrequited love...love in embers, love in vain, love in shackles, love maligned, love that warps the mind a little."

i had an eventful long weekend. i went home to my dad's province to attend a family reunion. well, he has 12 other siblings and only 8 were available during the event. some of my cousins also were there but only a handful of them. they are planning a grand reunion in april next year on my lola's 90th birthday. wow! its difficult to get them all together. some will still come from the US and some from Canada. it's just wonderful to see them altogether after a long long time.

as for the other relatives, i hardly could understand the introductions moreso what was going on as they were using the native dialect - ilokano. unfortunately, i wasn't able to learn it. my mom practically banned using it around the house. i guess she was afraid it could affect our word pronounciation. aside from the fact that she hated anything that has to do with ilokano. one of the reasons also why i was not close to my dad's relatives.

now that i've grown, and that i haven't been in speaking terms with my mom. i took the liberty to get to know them. these people that my dad loved. them that my dad would do everything, sacrifice even his own family just to please them. they were great though. imperfect but still great. they maybe too close to each other to a fault. i just hope i had more time to be with them and get to know them better. i guess i just have to be contented with the time God gave us this past weekend. if He will permit then maybe some more time with them next year.

it was also fun to get to spend time with my dad. after everything that has happened to our family...i believe that it was time for old wounds to heal. i've finally accepted that he has a new life. i met his new gf and my half-sister. she's pretty and looks just like me when i was her age. i am just happy that someone is making my dad happy. i wish the same for my mom. if only she was less bitter and more accepting. sigh...