i just had the most tiring day at work as of this month today. i couldn't even join the others who were enjoying opening gifts from their counterparts. and right now, my head is throbbing like crazy. i guess my eyes got too stressed from reviewing all those payment docs to thousands of lessors. and i am not even supposed to be doing this. but my staff is kind of indisposed at this time so i had to fill in the responsibility. the benefits of a multi-tasking environment. sighhh... not that i am complaining. i guess i'm just really exhausted.

3 more days to go...and His big day is coming. i wish i could just be thankful for all the blessings i had this year. but human nature dictates that there is never satisfaction in this lifetime. i have a number of reasons to be sad...its been a year since i last talked to my sisters and my mom. i've been declared an outcast because of reasons i don't want to remember anymore. another thing is that the fact that i am having another "loveless" year-end. hehehe still hoping that i could share my pains, disappoinments, happiness and what-have-you's to a breathing soul someday. and not just with a life-size teddy bear.

but i have also a number of reasons to be happy about...my healthy, and "makulit" kids...my patient friends...our growing business...surviving a surgery...a full year without physical suffering (of course i'm talking abt something other than that caused by sickness) ...a reconciliation with my dad...my thoughtful team at work......etc...etc...

come to think of it...i have more reasons to be thankful for.....then why do i still feel so empty? do i need to forgive and forget more? do i need to let go of someone? do i need to open my heart, my eyes to some realities i am not ready to accept? am i in denial about how i truly feel about things i shouldn't be thinking about anymore? should i stop being the person that i am? should i just stop looking for happiness and start counting my blessings?

yes, maybe its just a matter of perspective.... maybe i am overanalyzing things again... maybe i should stop doing things that i know will only hurt me in the end... maybe i should not take risks... maybe its time to stop waiting... because i don't deserve anything more that what i have right now...maybe its time to stop being so melodramatic!

shyucks i just want to disappear from the earth right now, right this very second... i wish i could just hide from everything... hide from the light... welcome the darkness... and maybe the truth will be vividly seen...glaring like a flash of light... that this heart of mine is meant to be alone.

i'm just being stupid today...tired and stupid. sighhh....