"If you're not afraid
Of what love brings
Then endings are beginnings
Of beautiful things
Its a chance you'll take
It's a chance you'll win
If someone gonna find you
First you gotta let them in

Coz love begins with one hello
The hardest part is over
Now its easy letting go....."

for someone who has been hurt, lied to, played with...its kind of hard to believe how a simple hello can bring you back to the very situation you've protected yourself from being in.

i have tried my best to forget the past. to the point of not talking about it on my blog. i have even erased numbers from my phonebook even from my own memory to avoid the stupid circle that i always get myself into.

i tried living a secluded life by shunning away from my social life. immersing myself in work, household chores and my kids. i was getting comfortable with this lifestyle. but i have to admit that it was getting a bit lonely.

still, inspite of this feeling i managed to keep away from communicating with people that i am sure would ruin my uncomplicated life.

although i've kept in touch (at arms length) with them. it was just that. treasuring what was shared in the past. it was a firm resolve not to "refresh" the past coz its just that...the past.

until a call a few days ago that somehow created this possibility that i might be going into something i am not really ready for. it took the guy the risk of one hello to open me up. it must be the cold night or the empty feeling that made me return that hello.

well, its just a possibility really at this point. but the uneasy feeling at the pit of my stomach whenever we talk is scaring me out of my wits. i keep telling myself that i should learn from my past. i should be careful and make things right this time.

tsk tsk tsk....."One hello is how it starts. You might really love or lose your heart"

in the middle of my crazy work schedule i managed to squeeze in some time to join a friends bday celebration. it took a lot of convincing and workaround before i finally decided to go. anway, i really needed to de-stress. sigh.

the guys went on playing poker while the gals bonded together last night. we got bored listening to all their noise so we thought of going out to have some coffee. baang coffee in timog was the hang out place.

afterwhich we went back and joined the poker game. i do not buy the "gambling" idea. but what the heck, i was bored. i am not really used to the game. although i play it on my PC most of the time. it was a long game. we finished at 3am - i was able to place 2nd and brought home P1,500. not bad for a first timer eh.

i think i was able to sleep for an hour or so. had to rush early to work (like 6:30am) so many things to do, so little time. sigh.

i guess i'm not starting my week right. been having a series of disappointments that started last night. three things:

1) you are just a big bore who doesn't deserve to have a long conversation with;

2) you are a hideous being;

3) you are simply a bitch.

drats! sometimes, i just find myself tripping and falling into this black pit. grrrrr....maybe its just me....sigh

i was actually contemplating on leaving this space again. ewan ko ba but sometimes pag naiinis talaga ako i get impulsive with my decisions. raging hormones i guess. ewan ko nauubusan na din ako ng excuses para sa sarili ko.

i remember the circumstances when i left my original tabs blog. the objective was to stay away from trouble. well, i guess trouble has its own weird way of finding me. so maybe its a matter of how i should deal with what's at hand.

honestly, give up na ako. yes, to you whom i thought was nice and kind enough to be a friend. tama ka you've changed so much since that day i found out abt stuff. i cannot understand why i still keep putting up with you. maybe its the promise of friendship no matter what.

siguro nga its true that promises are meant to be broken. and friendships are supposed to be a two-way thing. gusto ko magalit, i wanna give you a piece of how i feel. kaya lang i realized that its useless. apparently, you are no different from them.

sometimes, iniisip ko why am i freaking out like this? bitter ba ako? well, hindi naman siguro. i guess its just frustrating to invest emotionally into something that you know you can't benefit anything from.

yes, you are insensitive and selfish and a lot of things. i am just incredibly pissed at how you make me feel like trash. i deserve better than this. i wish i have never met you. i wish i could erase that part of my past with you.

i hate myself for being stupidly hopeful of making the friendhship work....and most of all, i hate you.


********************

sorry friends i just needed to blurt that out. sasabog na kse ako eh.

(Coldplay)

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
It is sweet I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn't think of anything
That was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
Your silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it's all about

I wonder what it's all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it's the hardest part
That's the hardest part
Yeah that's the hardest part
That's the hardest part

last nite an old friend dropped by my place, she was (as usual) having problems of the heart. but this time, compared to our usual chitchats during these times of her life she was no longer in tears. well, it was scaring her for what if losing the feeling comes after? it was after all a dysfunctional relationship. not that i have judged them for having it. i just thought they were both adult enough to handle the dynamics of such situation.

speaking of dynamics, we talked about other things last night like losing someone special through death or distance or incompatibility.... the works. it was observed that whenever we lose someone the dynamics of your relationships change. due to a lot of factors, one could be realizing how much you miss that person that you have taken for granted while he/ she was around. afterwhich, you tend to adjust to the fact that you have to deal with what's at hand. basically, it revolves around learnings/ realizations of mistakes that you don't want to happen again.

and then she asked me, have you accepted the painful things that happened in the past. i said yes, and then she said really? think it over. it struck me how in denial i have been. of trying to keep a brave face....of keeping the tears from falling inspite of the pain i feel...she was right....the dynamics has changed and i was left inside the old cycle. it isn't going to be easy. i have lost people i hold dear in my heart too many times...i pretended to be strong....and accepting. but deep inside i was a mess. i will never be the same person i was before. i don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing. but i hope its the former.

well, i have to start somewhere....i guess i just have to admit that right now i am vulnerable and i need to absorb the immensity of the pain i have been trying to hide from people. i need to let it out....and deal with it not hide from it.

Do what you have to do
(Sarah Mclachlan)

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rule of love
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you do

I had the sense to recognize
That I don't know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
However swiftly moving
I'm trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do

And I had the sense to recognize
That I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
A glowing ember burning hot, burning slow.
Deep within I'm shaken
By the violence of existing
For only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
And I had the sense to recognize
That I don't know how to let you go
But I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go.

"there's nothing constant in this world except change"

cliche. but easier said than having to deal with it on a day to day basis. its like trying to catch up a ride on a speeding bus.

well, that was just a thought. maybe brought about by the daily challenges i have to face right now. it is evident that the problems or issues i have to try to resolve are levelling up each day. and made more complicated by having to deal with so many difficult people.

sometimes i wonder, why do they have so much angst and resentments in their hearts. of course, one has to really understand other people's perspectives. different folks, different strokes. i just end up praying for more patience and understanding. come to think of it, i might need to improve on my people skills as well. i'm sure i have my share of angst and resentments that i need to deal with too.

on a different note, opportunity to learn for me has been abundant the past few months. another blessing that i should be thankful for. aside from the SAP Academy that i attend three times a week, i was sent to the SAP Summit at the Crowne Plaza scheduled today and tomorrow. been thinking if a change in career is apparent in the near future. well, if things continue to run smoothly i might consider being a full time SAP Consultant. why not? let's see...it's always free to dream and aim high.

"it is not the smartest or the strongest who survive...but rather those who adapt to constant change."

a good friend shared another part of her life today. i can't help but empathize with her, for i know exactly how it feels to be in her shoe. been there done that. it is surely a vicious cycle my dear. a love-hate kind of rollercoaster ride of emotions. and one never knows how to deal with it, except when you fortunately find your way out. and that road is never easy to tread.

i remember how i used to make myself believe that i never needed commitment or reciprocity. i was dead wrong. for when you decide to go up the ladder and free fall, the least you can expect is for someone down there to try to catch you. it is sad to find out that there was nobody there to do that and it always breaks your heart in pieces.

on the other hand, you always find it in your heart to forgive and try your best to forget. only to realize that after a while, you're back at square one....always trying to fight your way out. see, its a never ending battle. as long as everything remains undefined and dysfunctional, so many issues will remain unsettled. because you are trying to kiss a toad to turn him into a prince...and get disappointed that all you ever got were warts.