Entries for September, 2005

i've kept a number of close friends in my life. different personalities, different nurturing requirements. i was never the choosy type when it comes to friendship. of course there's one no-no when it comes to these things...i stay away from bad influences (drugs, hard core people). other than that, i get along with anybody.

i even have ex-intimate relationships that i have remained friends with for sometime now. its amazing how you can convert "old feelings" to plain friendship. i thought it wasn't possible. i was the kind kse who does not easily get over relationships. i hang on too long. pero after that kaya ko na harapin yung tao less the feelings and all.

there are a few people na talagang challenging na friends. mahirap i-nurture. yung tipong ipaparamdam pa syo na di ka nila kelangan. ang hirap basahin ang laman ng utak. minsan gusto mo nang sumuko kase lagi ka lang nasasaktan. pero after awhile you'll try to reach out again. bahala na masaktan. kakaiba diba? pag ganon matinding talent ang kelangan. kung nabibili  lang ang "patience" bumili na ako ng madami nun. hahaha..

pero no regrets. i treasure my friends eh. sabi nga nila what goes around comes around. i'd like to think that i am a good friend. the risk of keeping them in my life and getting hurt...is nothing compared to the comfort and the fun of having them around. they spice up my life and i love them.

now, about finding out where i can buy "patience" .......

Currently listening to: stupid - sarah mclachlan
Currently feeling: tired
Posted by princess_bride on September 5, 2005 at 03:15 PM | dance with me

You left me in the shadows
Tears sting my eyes
Heart was left broken
No words of comfort given

You left me in the darkness
Senses groping for your presence
Not a hand nor a shoulder felt around
I was left alone

You left me there with nothing
Only with pain and tears
To keep me company
I hurt so bad, I felt numb later on

You left me in the still of the night
With no stars to look up to
Only the dark skies up above
And a cloud-covered moon

Is this the place I belong to
Only shadows and blackness surround
I want my place in the sunlight
Where I could be warm
And comforted once more

- gsg

Currently listening to: the good kind - the wreckers
Currently feeling: mellow
Posted by princess_bride on September 5, 2005 at 04:17 PM | dance with me

i will be gone for awhile again from my tabulas. tomorrow i will be confined in one of the best hospitals in Manila for the pre-surgery preparations. i got the clearance yesterday from my endocrinologist. pending now would be the cardio-pulmonary clearance which i shall get within the next two days. when all is well (which i hope will be) i shall go on with my scheduled surgery this coming friday.

it was supposed to be a two-in-one surgery to resolve the Conn's syndrome and the uric stones in my kidney's. but my doctor said that the stones will have to be dealt with later on as my body cannot handle prolonged surgery.

good thing that both problems are on the left side of my body. so only one area will get sliced. eeewwww...hahaha...

i have emailed my sister earlier. at least one in the family knows what i'm going through. sigh....

well, whoever is reading this...i'd appreciate your prayers please. cause at this point i know the Dude up there is my only solace. thanks.


What is Conn's syndrome?

Conn's syndrome is a disease of the adrenal glands involving excess production of a hormone, called aldosterone. Another name for the condition is primary hyperaldosteronism.

Conn's syndrome is important because it is a potentially curable cause of high blood pressure (hypertension). Some studies suggest that Conn's syndrome is rare (one new case in a million people each year). However, when detailed investigations have been performed in patients with hypertension (high blood pressure), up to 15 per cent may have this condition.

Why or how do I get Conn's syndrome and what is its course?

The excess secretion of the hormone aldosterone into the blood is from an abnormal adrenal gland or glands. Two types of abnormality are seen: a benign tumour of one adrenal, called an adenoma or a general enlargement of both adrenals, called hyperplasia.

The underlying reasons for the development of an adenoma or hyperplasia are not known.

What are the symptoms?

High blood pressure (hypertension) is the main, and often the only, symptom.

Other symptoms may occur because high aldosterone levels in the blood act on the kidney to increase the loss of the mineral potassium in the urine. This in turn may lead to a fall in blood potassium, resulting in tiredness, muscle weakness and passing of large volumes of urine (polyuria), especially at night (nocturia). However, these symptoms are also found in many other conditions (for example, diabetes mellitus or hypercalcaemia) and do not, by themselves, establish a diagnosis of Conn's syndrome. Also, many patients with proven Conn's syndrome do not have a low blood potassium level.

How is Conn's syndrome diagnosed?

Conn's syndrome should be suspected in all patients with high blood pressure.

Traditional teaching has been to limit investigation for Conn's syndrome to patients who have a low blood potassium, or in whom blood pressure which is moderate to severe (>160/110mmHg), or is difficult to control with medication. However, using these criteria, many patients with Conn's syndrome will not be diagnosed. For example, about 40 per cent of patients with proven Conn's syndrome have normal blood potassium levels.

The most rigorous method of diagnosis is to measure the blood levels of two hormones: aldosterone and renin (which plays a role in stimulating aldosterone production). In Conn's syndrome, the aldosterone level is elevated and the renin level is low or undetectable.

What else could it be?

The commonest cause of high blood pressure is essential hypertension, and this may mimic Conn's syndrome. Thus, high blood pressure and low blood potassium may be due to essential hypertension, which is being treated with diuretic drugs that cause a loss of potassium in the urine.

In addition, plasma renin activity may be suppressed by some drugs that are commonly used to treat hypertension (for example, beta-blockers). The suppression may mislead physicians to an incorrect diagnosis of primary hyperaldosteronism (Conn's syndrome).

There are also a few very rare conditions your doctor might need to exclude.

What can your doctor do?

Your family doctor can refer all patients with high blood pressure and low blood potassium to a specialist in endocrinology, renal disease or clinical pharmacology.

Other patients who should be referred for investigation include those with severe high blood pressure, or those who are poorly controlled on medication or who have a family member with an endocrine tumour.

However, there is a case for all patients with high blood pressure (>140/90mmHg) to have their aldosterone and plasma renin activity measured. The difficulty is that the blood samples must be taken under controlled conditions, usually at 9am after lying down for 30 minutes, and require correct interpretation in the light of diet, drug therapy and other factors. Thus, in practice, aldosterone and plasma renin activity measurements are specialist investigations.

What can you do yourself?

A low salt diet may improve some symptoms by improving the low blood potassium and blood pressure. However, lowering dietary salt intake may also cause an increase in the plasma renin activity (potentially masking the correct diagnosis).

So, for proper evaluation some patients may be asked to take a fixed intake of salt tablets for 72 hours before blood is taken for potassium, aldosterone and plasma renin tests.

What can your doctor do?

While awaiting evaluation at a specialist centre, potassium supplement tablets may be given to improve the low blood potassium. Some patients may have very low blood potassium, warranting urgent in-patient treatment.

Patients with Conn's syndrome will have to have special scans of the adrenal glands. This will allow the important distinction to be made between a single adenoma and hyperplasia of both adrenal glands. Blood may also be taken directly from the adrenal veins (via a catheter passed through a vein in the groin) to determine whether both adrenals are over-secreting aldosterone.

Treatment for an aldosterone-producing adenoma is surgical removal (unilateral adrenalectomy). This may be performed via laparoscopic (keyhole) approaches in some experienced centres.

Patients with bilateral hyperplasia (and also those with an adenoma awaiting surgery) may be treated with the drug spironolactone, which acts by blocking the effect of aldosterone. Spironolactone is somewhat similar in chemical structure to the female sex hormone, oestradiol, and therefore has some female hormone-like actions.

Without drug or surgical treatment, high blood pressure in many patients with Conn's syndrome is difficult to control. Poorly controlled high blood pressure is associated with increased rates of stroke, heart disease and kidney failure.


Treatment of Conn's syndrome is usually successful. Many patients with a single adrenal adenoma will be able to stop drug treatment and will have normal blood pressures.

Nevertheless, many specialist centres will follow a patient with Conn's syndrome for life. This is to monitor the rare possibility of growth of a second adenoma.

Patients with bilateral hyperplasia should have life-long monitoring of effectiveness and side effects of drug treatment. Again, quality of life is generally good, although some patients may not be able to tolerate spironolactone treatment. 

Currently listening to: Always be there - Lou Pardini
Currently feeling: scared
Posted by princess_bride on September 6, 2005 at 08:38 PM | 5 danced with me

i have been dreaming about somebody quite often the past months. can't understand why. the dreams were clear and i could remember most of the details. i'd really like to understand what they were about. why he keeps on popping up during my sleep? i felt good that time...and when i awake, i bring the nice feeling around with me. i don't want to be hopeful again, its not right. i should be moving on.

but i think i have moved on. i'm ready to face him again clear of tears of the past. after all i am a friend and once a friend i always am one, even through the bad times. it was a special time, and i am thankful for it. i'm sure i will have something similar in the future. this time, no more gray areas...details crystal clear. i know i deserve that.  and for that i am optimistic that He will send me that person in the right time and the right situation.

meantime, i should just worry abt my health. drats been missing out a lot in my life. i am glad i have great bosses who understands what i'm going through. i think God made up for my family's inefficiencies. He gave me my kids and great friends. lovelife na lang ang kulang. hahaha...ang tao talaga...mapaghanap. tsk tsk tsk....

Currently listening to: Liquid Dreams - O-town
Currently feeling: silly
Posted by princess_bride on September 6, 2005 at 09:48 PM | 2 danced with me

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

When high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Currently feeling: contemplative
Posted by princess_bride on September 6, 2005 at 10:10 PM | dance with me

when i was young i used to hang out on top of our roof at home. a quiet place to do some thinking. sometimes i write poems or letters. it was basically my escape route from my jumbled life. i was one messed up kid back then. it could be traced to a lot of things - but maybe my raging hormones as a growing up kid contributed to its mess. i dunno.

i loved staring at the sky. watching the clouds change formation. and moving slowly around. the way the sky change colors from bright orange to darkness during sunset. the twinkling stars above and the magical moon. and when i get lucky - a shooting star that makes me wish of things i wanted to happen.

sky watching gets better when i do it in the province. everything seems so near. especially at night. its like i could easily pick out my favorite star and draw the moon closer as if it was mine to decide. during rainy days i love feeling the raindrops on my skin. its like nature is my best friend. and God created such an amazing thing for us to appreciate.


haven't done sky watching for a very long time now. must've grown out of the activity. but no, i doubt it that its something to grow out of. its such a peaceful and soulful exercise. i'd want to do it everyday if i can. well God found a way to remind me of His wonderful gift. I had a view of the sky from my hospital bed. it was fun to watch the clouds again with different formations. some were fluffy some were thin, some were thick and so white and some were like cotton candy. it was a grand sight.

i was made to realize how much He has given us to remind us of His presence. that life is short and that all kinds of pain, whether physical or emotional,  are instruments to wake us up from our wrapped up and selfish personas. God heals...and He healed me. again and again it seems. i am just thankful that i am alive and almost well. i know deep in my heart that all these happened for a reason. i am glad that His forgiving heart welcomed me back... 

Currently listening to: beautiful - velcro
Currently feeling: thankful
Posted by princess_bride on September 17, 2005 at 01:11 AM | 2 danced with me

surprise of all surprises..i was honored enough to deserve a long-awaited visit from my dad. it's been a year since we last made those hurtful remarks to each other. no mention of the past was made. only a tear, a hug a kiss and a smile of forgiveness. he missed his apo's so much that they made a trip to the grocery for some ice cream.

i'm just glad that we've patched things up. whatever happened in the past i forgot a long time ago. i have forgiven him as well and its such a nice feeling. i have a weird family i must admit. i was sort of "ex-communicated" by my mom last year. long story...well, i always have a humble and forgiving heart for them. but right now, i am letting things be between my mom and my sisters. i know time will heal all wounds. having a broken family is not easy. moreso because it happened a few years ago when i was adult enough to understand but not to accept. i guess i got used to the fact that a family is always whole...i know i'm being so idealistic about it..and sometimes i blame that for having affected my marriage as well. sigh

as i've said before...everything happens for a reason...and that reason must be somewhere along the bend...i know i'll come across these reasons...at the right time and the right place.

Currently listening to: cool - gwen stefani
Currently reading: a man named dave - david pelzer
Currently feeling: hopeful
Posted by princess_bride on September 17, 2005 at 05:58 PM | dance with me

an unscheduled trip to my doc today was due to an infection on "the wound" it hardly happens but due to my diabetes i was prone to infection and would take a long time for the wound to heal. i was advised to be admitted. a 2-day confinement is a must for them to clean the wound more thoroughly. a few layers of the wound was opened again for them to disinfect deeper on the wound. eewww....but i was told not to worry as this would heal on its own. although a longer period of time is expected. sigh


cried my heart out today while watching the lolo's being sent out of prison for humanitarian reasons. (mas madami pa akong iniyak kesa nung cut ulit yung sugat ko...hahaha..weird) i dunno, i have a soft heart for father's who go home to their families. not expecting anything but to apologize to their loved ones for time lost. yeah, i am such a cry baby. sigh

Currently listening to: a love to share - rivermaya
Currently feeling: sore
Posted by princess_bride on September 17, 2005 at 10:35 PM | dance with me

back from a 4-day confinement. finding out the reason for the wounds infection is one heck of an expensive deal. 2 CT scans was the bulk of my discharge bill.  Ughhh..

well, at least nothing much to worry about. just have to wait for the wound to dry up and close on its own. it's good i have a dependable househelp who is courageous enough to clean the wound. kahit na eeky ang itchura. hahaha...have to give her a bonus for taking such good care of me.

i have a lot of things in mind right now. basically, i just want to heal fast. really fast. i miss my work. i miss my officemates. i have missed out on a lot on office stuff (planning season and all). and my boss' are formulating plans for me even while i was away. something better i hope. i am really looking forward to claiming my rightful place in that organization. i need a lot of making up  to do. sigh...

i am just thankful for friends who never failed to keep in touch. whom in the course of my sickness made me aware of their presence even if it can't be physical. i have managed to find out who my real friends were during these dark days. and i'm happy that i have kept such good friends in my life. i must have been a good friend to them as well. hehehe

bawi na lang ako sa kanila paggaling ko...and that would hopefully be just a few weeks more from now. yey!

Currently listening to: gemini - spongecola
Currently reading: sushi for beginners - marian keyes
Currently feeling: thankful
Posted by princess_bride on September 22, 2005 at 04:40 PM | 2 danced with me

last night i was kind of in a nostalgic mood. i dunno, i just can't help it. kept in touch with a friend. not for anything else, just to ask how things were. i think i was misunderstood. i don't have any intention of bringing up the past or even sourgraping about it. i have moved on...i was just trying to be a friend that's all.  i just can't say the right words at times. verbose person that i am. geezzz i am kind of disappointing last night really...

i sorted things out for awhile. and i have accepted the truth abt things in the past. yeah, its painful how some people can get so insensitive without meaning so. well, that's just some facts of life i need to deal with. i think i have to bear the greater weight of the blame. been too stupid and blind abt my feelings. can't understand why it happens to me so often. maybe its gets awhile for me to learn. slow siguro?

sometimes..in the process of my healing..i wonder what could be wrong with me? self-pity i guess...sad but it does cross my path most times. so much insecurities...so much pain to bear. i thought that being true to myself would help a lot. but sometimes, even without effort or otherwise...it was never enough. 

i shouldn't be confused. i should know what to do by now. its been more than two months. i just thought that saving a friendship was worth all the pain. but now, i just wonder...maybe i was not  "friend" material after all...

Currently listening to: since you've been gone - kelly clarkson
Currently feeling: hurt
Posted by princess_bride on September 26, 2005 at 05:03 PM | 4 danced with me
i want to ask you for a favor,
a big favor; it means very much to me.
i need your help to do something.

i'm trying to get to know you.
i want to be your friend.
but this is very difficult,
it is not at all easy.
not because you are particularly hard to know,
but i am particularly poor at discovering you.

you see it is one thing to want to do something,
and another to make the effort to do it,
and still another to actually do it.

in other words, sometimes it may not seem
like i want to be your friend.
and maybe i don't know just how to do it,
but don't let that fool you,
i'm never-the-less trying.

that's where you come in.
i'm kind of new at this,
and naturally clumsy at first,
so you've got to let me try.
you have to give me a chance
that's why i need your help.

more important than that, though,
it's a two-way street,
implying an effort from both of us.
it's a joint venture.
that is why i need your help.

i want to know you,
that's why i need your help.

- Anonymous
Currently listening to: i'm with you - avril lavigne
Currently feeling: hot
Posted by princess_bride on September 27, 2005 at 02:39 PM | dance with me
"every story has an ending. but in life, every ending is a new beginning."

such an optimistic quote. well, not that i am being pessimistic abt life. sounds cliche to me but well its true. i'm the living legend of it. hahaha got lots of story endings...and i seem to get back to starting over more often than not. hmmm...cycle of life? maybe so.

now abt starting over...its like a baby learning how to walk...so fragile...vulnerable...and naive. feeling excited about the new journey...the new path to tread. at the same time scared to get hurt...afraid to fall and never to get up again. who said life was a bed of roses? even in "beginnings" tears and pain are still inevitable.

well, probably i am over that stage at this point of my life. i feel like i'm in the "walking steady" stage already, just stopping by every now and then to see how the world is like again. yeah....stopping by to smell the roses...

Currently listening to: my happy ending - avril lavigne
Currently feeling: hopeful
Posted by princess_bride on September 28, 2005 at 02:31 PM | 2 danced with me
i'm stomped. can't figure out what to write about. it seems like my mind is made up of a bunch of twisted and turned strings not knowing where is the ending and the beginning. funny really...

i would've written abt a lot of emo stuff...but i'd rather not. i'm so done with that. i'm actually tired of it. hahaha...napagod din ang drama queen. pagod nga ba? o wala lang talagang maisulat. hehehe

ang weird stuff ko talaga...hahaha. well, just looking forward to getting back to work. i think i'm rested enough to face my toxic daily tasks. i wonder if i'd even have time to write on my blog. feeling ko wala na akong karapatan magrest. sigh...

at least now, an old flame is keeping me on my toes. kinda inspired to go on with my life. i'm taking things a step at a time. small steps...di naman ako nagmamadali. i'm sure i'll find my place in the sun. soon girl.....soon....
Currently listening to: ewan ko - soapdish
Currently feeling: loved
Posted by princess_bride on September 30, 2005 at 03:12 PM | dance with me
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