i used to believe in everlasting love...i used to believe in forever. but i've been hurt so many times in the past, i figured these are all a figment of someone's imagination.

but i am Buttercup, and i want to believe that somewhere in this world there is a Westley who will adore me and love me as much as i do him.

"My heart is a secret garden, and the walls are very high" - The Princess Bride

am i a survivor? battle scared and torn, wounded yet still strong, afraid perhaps that maybe i'm not what i think i am? maybe i'm a fool pushed into adversity because of madness. who knows what i can and cannot do? i am a fool in love.

maybe if i were dead, it wouldn't hurt as much. i'm just very afraid. tears won't even fall anymore. wala na akong mailabas. parang sirang sira na ako. kawawa naman ako. walang makapagtyaga sa akin. ubos na ang luha ko. puro takot na lang ang nararamdaman ko. i can't feel anything else...

....i'm afraid of being alone....

(By Lifehouse)

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like is was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this time
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
And I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me dies when I let you go

saturday was a blast. had dinner at steak MD with business partners it was my bestfriend's birthday. wasn't feeling really well yet but i had to be there on her special occassion. then had coffee at baang cafe. yummy strawberry frappe...and blueberry cheescake. mmmm...mmmm...i was home by 11:30. didn't want to push myself, my doctors doesn't even know i am going to work before the surgery. hehehe

spent my sunday at home. wasn't able to go out, nina was sick and i still was feeling a bit dizzy. spent most of the day (actually i think it was the whole day) converting my MP3 files to WMA. and organizing my zen micro. i was able to download one song (dial up sucks! it took me an hour and a half grrrr...) i just love Blind by Lifehouse. the best!

i had a bad dream last night. it was actually more like a nightmare. i was so afraid about something. its like a horror movie and i was the one being chased by something/ someone. i would awake because of so much fear...like it was happening for real. and when i'll close my eyes there it was again. haunting me. what was weird was, i couldn't remember anything. all i know is i was scared out of my wits. i wonder what it was about....

"Life is pain Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."- Man in Black

Many people will walk in and out of your life,

 But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

ever since i was diagnosed with an adrenalin disorder...it seems that my world has stopped revolving. everything was put on hold. career moves...heart issues...family life....it's like a red light turning yellow...without the green lamp. heck isn't that unnerving?

i'm afraid i'm losing touch. relationships falling apart. friendships unnurtured. family squabbles remain unresolved. career advancement on hold due to my ailment. what's happening to me? did i try too much to make things work. should i have let nature take its own course...

i always have this fear of not seeing tomorrow, fear of rejection, fear of being unlovable, fear of solitude. i know i worry too much most of the time. my body cannot handle enough stress like any normal person should. if don't get to see tomorrow...i hope i be remembered as a good friend....a great mom....a responsible daughter. or am i? am i????

here i am again. sitting on my bed in front of my PC. feeling like hell. i guess the meds are not working. called my doctor yesterday and she increased the dosage of one med. i don't think its helping...i dunno maybe it needs more time.

good thing that my boss understands what's going on with me. but of course i can't expect them to wait forever for me. i just need to get over this asap. i don't like what i'm feeling. parang lalo ata akong nagkakasakit sa ginagawa nila.

looking forward though to a "new" me. since the surgery will fix my hormones....then i guess that would mean me handling stress better. maybe being less sensitive, less of a drama queen, more optimism...now that's a lot to look forward to. i still am hoping that after that, things in my life will fall into place. (i wish!)

right now...i'm still wishing, hoping, thinking, dreaming that things will get better tomorrow....

it seems that my 5 gig memory player can't hold all the songs i love. ganon pala kadami yung gusto kong kanta. hahaha...a friend said that she doubts if i remember all the titles. well, i do. maybe i forget from time to time. but i know its all there in my mind.

what kind of songs are there in my player? a lottt....hahaha...i have r&b, pop, rap, ballad, soul, alternative, opm, rock, reggae, easy listening (matt manroe)...hehehe...i can play abt a hundred songs in a day. minsan parang kulang pa...hehehe...human nature...walang satisfaction. hehehe

i guess i have to wait for a week...until i get bored with them...and then i can accommodate the other songs i can't save right now. i wish i have something to read right now...i've read all my books here...i want something new. any suggestions? need to get ready for a long week again in the hospital. i could manage if i have books around. i don't like visitors much. i hate it when my friends see me like this. i look like a living zombie..blecchhhhh!!!

cheesy title, i know. actually, i don't want to use those terms. self-denial maybe, or pride i guess. but the truth kept slapping me in the face. funny how i tried all efforts to shrug it off. yeah, i guess i'm the type who does not recover easily.

i think i made a mistake of getting myself too attached and too involved. but doing otherwise wasn't me. no regrets. there were good times to cherish. although i really felt bad that after the fact, honesty became out of the question. i could've mended easily if what was happening was laid down to me in black and white.

i could understand that. it will hurt but i could handle that. the important thing was being truthful abt it. although i know i am not in the position to know what is exactly happening. i think him knowing how i felt abt him was enough to let me know the truth. di ba para natigil na ako? kung sinabi lang agad....i would've stopped confusing myself...dreaming it was all about "us". stupid me talaga!

but all that is done with. i don't even know what is left. i am broken...and i can't say that it's only my heart involved...i have given everything again. and now i'm losing everything as well. it hurts....so much....i can't breathe. but it's my fault anyway...there's no one else to blame but myself.

i wish i could learn to recover faster...i wish it won't hurt this bad knowing abt someone new in his life. i wish i could move on easier when i tried to leave the past behind. i wish i can get back to my cheerful and funny self. i know i am better than this. i have been through more difficult times in the past...and i've survived...scarred but stronger...and hopefully wiser.

i left the past....to stop making a fool of myself. but i know i should learn to face it again someday...when i learn to stop dreaming...and hoping...and wishing that everything will still be the same.  

...a phone call

...a cd

...a boxful of questions

...a movie

...a hand held

...a kiss on the cheek

...thumb games/ arm wrestling

...bottles of beer

...passionate kisses in the dark

...the secret room

...the rain

...more than the secret room

...intimate phone conversations

...singing

...tickling and messed up sheets

...snoring

...the way you looked at me

...I LOVE the simple things about us...

i feel like i've been missing out so much in life. the downside of this waiting time. grrrr....

i've been fiddling with my PC a lot. re-arranged my house. bought new books to read. but the boredom is eating me alive. argghhhh...

i asked my doctors yesterday if i can go to work. they said yes but with the assurance that i won't get stressed out. hahaha...pwede ba naman yun sa accountant? malabo ata. considering that its business planning season again. they actually said that its better for me to rest and wait till my bp becomes normal. they increased the dosage of my meds again. gawd, i was at the hospital almost the whole day yesterday...i hate waiting that long. i feel so unproductive.

problem now is...i need to find a good doctor who can do surgery on me. it seems that the hospital doesn't have a competent doctor to do this kind of surgery. kainis naman kse. magkakasakit na lang yung rare pa ang hirap tuloy maghanap ng doctor. wahhhhh...

well, i will just have to think of ways to get abt things in life right now. this is almost driving me crazy...i wish i had my family to talk to and discuss things.

yes, i am that - just another face in the crowd. i would never stick out like a sore thumb. nobody would notice me standing up, talking too much or even crying. sad but true.

well, i was not the type to get the crowd's attention. i'd usually sit back and observe. i sometimes get to mingle because it is needed...and coincidentally i meet some friends. friends who talk to me, take my calls or comfort me. not because i asked for it. not because they are just doing me some favor. not because they need to be nice or polite...but because they sincerely offer their friendship. showing real care and love.

i never meant to be a burden to anybody. i could easily understand when i am not needed. but i have to be told. it has to be something like a slap on the face to wake me up and get my feet going. for this i hate myself. for this it makes it difficult for me to move on. like somebody has to spell it out to me "hey s-t-u-p-i-d, i d-o-n-'t need you, get o-u-t of my life." simple enough.

i don't know why i think that things will come around. usually it does not. and i get really hurt...but now, there is this numbness again. a hollow feeling deep inside. self-pity for putting up with my idiotic beliefs in life. someone would lie to me in my face and i wouldn't even notice. sarcastic remarks/ jokes are thrown my way, but i'd shove 'em aside for fear that i'm just being over-sensitive. when in truth,  i am just charity work to most people and i hate it. imagine not being able to identify pity vs friendship. how much pathetic can i get?

i guess i deserve to be just another face in the crowd....nobody important, just someone who gets dole outs from someone's attention and emotions...until slowly i fade out...the pain and the tears will burn me...and no one will even care to notice... 

(Session Road)

I’m watching me make a fool of myself
Silently speaking my wish to be free
Turning my world inside out
Spin my emotions building my doubt

I fed on this strangeness plain and true
But there was nothing beneath it i knew
I see myself falling falling from grace
My life fading without a trace

I’m tired of waiting here for you
Can’t waste my time, i’m leaving you

I’m watching me make a fool of myself
Silently speaking my wish to be free
Turning my world inside out
Spin my emotions building my doubt

And now that you’ve taken the world out of me
I’m left with my body hanging free
As lovers come and comfort me
I’m still left with my misery

I’m tired of waiting here fo you
Can’t waste my time, i’m leaving you

I’m leaving you…

(by Lara Fabian - OST Dawson's Creek)

Silence and quiet
Again in my life
Far from these moments
I wish I was
Passion and truth
We were about
Before these shadows
Stole the beat of our hearts

[Chorus:]
After all we have been through
I can only look at you
Through the eyes you lied to
I'm givin' up, givin' up
I'm givin' up on you
After all if there is no way out
If you cannot stand beside me
If there isn't love
There is only pride
I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up this fight

Undo this leash
You say I tied
When only our fears are to
blame this time
And what am I to you
Just spit it out
I'm not afraid of the words that you hide

[Chorus]

Where do we go
Where did it all crash
When did it start to fall apart
Silence and quiet
Passion, the truth
Shadows, only shadows

[Chorus]

who would have thought that inside this healthy-looking physique i am one helluva science project? i have stones in my kidneys, a lump in my adrenal gland, persistent hypertension and hypokalimia, mild RHD and diabetes. i must've collected all the genetic ailments my family tree has.

i've been thinking, what if there were no doctors or lab tests or anything to find these out? (i can just imagine our ancestors, how could they survive the harsh realities such as this thing called "sickness"?) chances are...i'd have a shorter life span. chances are...i wouldn't live to see my children grow up. chances are...i wouldn't be able to experience love again.

if one can look inside my head...you could see this topsy-turvy brain of mine. overthinking...overanalyzing...overfeeling. i just wish i could get this over and done with. my hormones are going beserk and i'm tired of waiting.

 Could You be healer
 To a heart that's been wounded
 In a battle that's never seen
 Could You be teacher
 To a mind of confusion
 Tell me what does this all mean
 
 Are You deliverer
 Of an imprisoned feeling in chains
 Can You set my spirit free
 And just one more question
 Allow me this question
 Could You be Messiah to me
 Could You be Messiah to me
 
 Could You be father
 To a soul that's been abandoned
 By a world too busy to hear
 Could You be friend
 To a helpless survivor
 Can You take away my fears
 
 I heard them all sharing
 This newfound conviction in them
 Are You all that they make You to be
 
 And just one more question
 Allow me this question
 Could You be Messiah to me
 Please be Messiah to me
 
 Now I've been looking for someone like You
 And I'm so tired, i'm tired
 I've read every book and i've sung every song
 My mind maybe right but my heart feels so wrong
 Tell me how much farther can my life go along
 Which way do the roads lead where do I belong...
 
 Are You forgiver
 Of my most unknown secrets
 Provider of all that I need
 Could You be brother
 The one who knows better
 Would You now stand in the lead
 
 When all this is over all the thunder and lightning
 In the daylight just what will I see
 The answers to my questions, to all of my questions
 Could You be Messiah to me
 Could You be Messiah to me
 Could You be Messiah
 Please be Messiah to me...

*******************************************************
i heard this song in SIAM. the lyrics touched my heart. i have been feeling down for sometime now and i'm getting tired already. i feel hollow inside. i am a lost soul. i need my Healer, my Friend, and my Savior. coz i know during my darkest hours He never fails to comfort me.

 (by Jewel - OST Smallville)

 Cuttin' through the darkest night in my two headlights
 Trying to keep it clear, but I'm losing it here to the twilight
 There's a dead end to my left, there's a burning bush to my right
 You aren't in sight, you aren't in sight
 
 Do you want me, like I want you?
 Or am I standing still, beneath the darkened sky?
 Or am I standing still, with the scenery flying by?
 Or am I standing still, out of the corner of my eye?
 Was that you passing me by?
 
 Mothers on the stoop, boys in souped-up coupes on this hot summer night
 Between fight and flight is the blind man's sight and the choice that's right
 I roll the window down, feel like I'm gonna drown in this strange town
 Feel broken down, I feel broken down
 
 Do you need me, like I need you?
 Or am I standing still, beneath the darkened sky?
 Or am I standing still, with the scenery flying by?
 Or am I standing still, out of the corner of my eye?
 Was that you passing me by?
 
 Sweet sorrow is the call tomorrow
 Sweet sorrow is the call tomorrow
 
 Do you love me, like I love you?
 Or am I standing still, beneath the darkened sky?
 Or am I standing still, with the scenery flying by?
 Or am I standing still, out of the corner of my eye?
 Was that you passing me by?
 Are you passing me by? (Passing me by)
 Do you want me? (Passing me by)
 Do you need me, like I need you too?
 And do you want me, like I want you?
 Are you passing me by?

******************************************************
i think i am standing still.....