"Smile like you've never cried, Fight like you never lost, Love like you've never been hurt, And live like you'll die tomorrow."
We look before and after,
And pine for what is not:
Our sincerest laughter
With some pain is fraught;
Our sweetest songs are
those that tell of saddest thought.
~ Percy Bysshe Shelley
This song by Jikamarie...on repeat! I'm tired! 
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I have been reading management books the past few weeks owing to the fact that I need to rehash on my management skills as it has been a while since I led a team this big. Last book was "Who moved my Cheese" It's about change and how different people react to it. It's a good read, lot of take aways.
So it's been a few months since I started this management role. It was a struggle the first 2 months. My first week was hell week, I had 3 resignations. And a long list of IT related stuff that I need to do (eg archive emails since 2015..ughh). Common complaint was the work load. It wasn't an easy transition. Everything is still a mess until now. A lot of functions are overwhelmed with work and lack of resources. I am just lucky that my previous boss who set this up fought tooth and nail to make sure that my team is properly staffed.
I was a Scurry at first - went into action immediately. Wasn't sure what was expected of me. I don't think I have been a Sniff (who can smell change in the air...I was even dumbstruck when my boss talked to me about my promotion) nor a Hem (who doesn't want change at all...I did say I will think about it....and here I am) From a Scurry, I progressed to a Haw (afraid of change but understand the need for it) So right now, I have worked things out so I can delegate. I have converted my team leads to first line managers so that there is a 7:1 span of control and not 30:1 this would ensure effective and efficient support to my team.
So far so good....surviving hehehe. Happy and proud of my team. Different personalities, different approach in managing them. Headaches here and there, but all in all it's a pretty cool experience. I never thought I was made for this, but it seems like I am getting the hang of it. Although I know that it's going to be a work in progress of course. Just thankful for the opportunities given me. I used to ask myself if I deserve this....and yeah, I think I do. 
(Sam Smith)
hmmm it took a while for me to write again. been busy and not in the mood to write really. but i think it is just noteworthy so i had to put this in writing so i can look back at the good things and the blessings happening this year. i did mention in my previous entry that 2021 is my year, and indeed it is. hubby's been winning "ending" and have won at least 20k already just using my birthday. how awesome is that right? not only that, i got my long awaited promotion. =) surprise surprise, it's not just an upbanding of my job grade, i have been given a bigger role and will manage about 30 people.
i was shocked initially, our company is currently spinning off a new one and i will be part of that org. a pioneer and will handle a regional role. (effective Sept 1 but already in transition) i was content in my global/ individual contributor role and current org but God has other plans i guess. i still catch myself wondering how i got this. but my boss told me i deserve it and he was impressed at how i worked for his team for just 1 year. maybe taking on a lot of project lead roles did this. nevertheless, i am grateful and i acknowledge i am blessed.
i admit i second guess myself most of the time, do i really deserve this? can i do it? i have only managed about 15 people in the past and in another organization. that was a long time ago. and then i pray hard that i will be able to manage this team the best that i can. and did i mention that it's a totally different career path? God help me.
Hello Tabulas! It has been a while. Didn't think I'd ever get back to writing. Altough a lot has happened since my last post, I just couldn't bring myself to write anything. It's like I lost that spark. No idea why.
So what has been going on? I've been reading a lot. I read like crazy last year. Overshoot my goodreads challenge which hardly went more than 15 books a year. I have read 65 books last year. Can't believe it myself. I guess that's what this pandemic can do. It's my escape route. It gets depressing to be stuck at home. I fully resonate to this quote.
"Books are the plane, and the train, and the road. They are the destination, and the journey, they are home."
On the work front, that has been progressing really well. Got high marks on my performance evaluation. My current boss loved how I have handled the projects that I have been leading. I have always been saying 2021 is my year! And I'm claiming it. Looking forward to the promised good news this year.
On the home front, 2 of my kids are now working. Only 1 is left in college. Looking back, I am just so proud of how they have grown up to be generous, responsible and loving adults. Couldn't believe I raised these kids mostly on my own majority of the time. Hahaha They are my treasures, my pride and my reason for being.
It hasn't been an easy journey the past few years, but God has been good to me and my family. Thank you Lord.
~ Narnia OST No need to say goodbye
I was cleaning my emails and happened to see a message I sent on this date. I still think the message sticks till now. Although I highly doubt I will ever be needed. Looking back, I never was....needed I mean.
But thinking more about this...No coming back. No more starting from the beginning. Maybe there was a need to say goodbye? But are there still words left to say...other than goodbye? I think we're good. No sense in messing up the status quo. This is as good as goodbye.
"Grief makes a tunnel of our lives, and it is all too easy to lose sight of the other people in the darkness with us - to wish they weren't there, so their loss would stop rubbing up against ours." ~ From the book The Scent Keeper
The reality of this pandemic have hit close to home recently. I lost my sister in law who was a frontliner in a government hospital. She was just 44 years old. She had a 4 week battle in the ICU intubated. Honestly, we were hoping against hope that she would make it. She was a fighter and healthy. We made her promise that she does her best to get well so she can cook spaghetti for the kids.
She loves my kids like her own. She has a son but still, her love for her family was boundless. I never thought I would grieve this much from losing someone not my blood relative. Maybe because I always gave myself a deadline. Like I would be the first to go. But this hasn't happened. I kept losing loved ones, young and old. I lost both my parents already. I lost a brother in law early on. He too was close to me.
The reality of death, of the feeling that you can't reach out to them anytime you want. That you can't breathe the same air as they do. That all of them have ended pain and suffering on earth. Yet, you mourn and grieve. You cry ugly everytime you remember them and the memories they have left behind. My heart is broken and maybe time will come when the pain from losing them will also just be a memory.
I love you tol! May you rest in God's loving arms.
Kept coming back to this blog but couldn't bring myself to write anything sensible. My brain is mush. So much noise in it, can't seem to focus. I guess I just need to go back to my books.
"Books are the mile markers of my life." ~ Leni (The Great Alone)