i am in that weird moment

....when you want to just blurt it out but have to hold it back because there are just things better left unsaid. 

....when you miss him so bad but you would hate to show it for fear of being rejected as always

....when you want to give a call or send a text message but would rather not because of again fear of getting dissed

but you are right, there are much better things out there to ponder on. i should be ok soon.  

....i just miss you so bad.

princess_bride

as much as i would want to be cynical abt this overrated event i still believe that love should be celebrated everyday. vday or not. that is if you got someone to celebrate it with. well, celebrating it with friends is not a bad idea at all. 

anyway, been supressing feelings the past weeks. at times, i feel like im gonna burst. its just sad how such a beautiful feeling cannot be expressed because of things beyond one's control. i really wish things have been different. i just wonder why we always get into this situation. i guess i never learn. i was always wishing for those times when we were just beginning. that was round abt seven yrs ago. i can never get it back.

all i wanted was for you to hold my hand.  a firm grasp to let me know that i meant something to you. i would never have asked for anything more than what you can give. a kind gesture of holding my hand would have meant the world to me. a simple gesture that was so hard for you to give. a rejection that is painful enough to go through.

now i firmly resolve, that no matter how painful and difficult this is for me, holding back whatever this is that i would rather not define, i will and i must weather this storm alone. i have been strong enough to go through a lot of storms in my life. this would not be any different. well, this is the story of my life.

....if only i could hold your hand and feel you again. i would've gone through whatever pain it would entail than feeling empty like this.

princess_bride

....i am missing you so bad....it hurts. i wish i can do something abt it. i just don't feel right when i am always the first one to initiate any conversation, always the one who makes an effort to connect. i really should stop letting you hurt me. 

princess_bride

i may not be your ideal girl. not even someone to be proud of. i cannot offer you anything more than what we have. all i know is that i deeply care for you and i can't bear the pain of being away from you too long.  i wish i was enough for you...i just want you in my life. 

"You"
~The Pretty Reckless

princess_bride

it's almost the time of the month and i'm getting these weird signs of aging. i think i need to see my doc so i can manage these raging hormones. crap!  

workload is quite light this week. atmosphere at the office where people are  like walking on eggs due to the org restructure to be implemented in the next few months. they call it transformation. a nice way to say headcount reduction. been there done that. it's not something to look forward to but everyone should prepare for in any case it happens. 

tried tweaking my blog here and there. not so familiar with the codes so it took quite a while to get what i want somehow. oh well....

i seriously need to get back on my reading. (among other things) i'm stuck in a rut and it's my own doing. i should stop waiting for things to happen. 

shit my brain is all over the place....=(

princess_bride

attended the 12:15 mass at the sanctuario de san antonio today since its ash wed. the priest said that we should ponder on what is our lenten program for the next 40 days. what are you willing to sacrifice or give up to be closer to Him?

ano nga ba? what if that is the only thing that makes you happy in your current incongruent state with the universe? can i give it up?

.....gosh i am such a mess. broken and a mess. i need fixing. 

princess_bride

i'm tired of chasing pavements. i think it's time to get some rest. 

....why do you make it so hard for me to reach out to you? 

princess_bride

At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be. ~ Anonymous #love #fate

princess_bride

You say, "keep my head from going down"
Just for a little, just for a little
Watch my feet float off the ground
Just for a little, just for a little
Love, if you can hear this sound
Oh, just give me something, something to believe in

~ Parachute

i think i've reached that point when i just got too tired of trying to make whatever-this-is work. any relationship as the old adage go would "take two to tango". i get this feeling that its such a desperate effort to reach out to you. i have always been vocal to you abt this. you would always promise "babawi ka" but it never happens. i guess being just a speck of dust in your busy life means easy me to dispose, easy me to ignore. 

i don't get it really. am i being too needy? am i being too demanding? not even! i never demanded anything from you. i just think that as an old friend i deserve something too. more than your quick to dismiss text messages. or your lame excuse of being too busy to care. i am a busy person too. 

pls stop giving me mixed signals. sometimes you care, but i always have to initiate everything. pls just give me something to believe in. to believe that this friendship is worth keeping and worth all this pent up emotions that i am too afraid to show or let alone define for fear of losing you just like before. 

please...just for a little...just give me something...something to believe in.