i started out writing about how lonely and empty i feel right now. it was so heart wrenching that i decided to delete it instead. i want to write about the good things. i choose to write about the happy moments.

first of all, of how proud a mom i am of my kids. for giving their best in school. achieving awards that definitely made up for all the difficult times i had working more than 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. the smiles and the gratitude they have expressed were enough to keep me going. in sickness and in health, i should go on working for their future.

another good news, i've been promoted to the next level. they gave me a raise commensurate to the experience and added bonus for being a SAP power user. not bad. the responsibility is pretty much the same. (i think or i'd like to believe so...wehehehe) although the paperwork doubled as i was assigned OIC while my boss is taking a two-month leave. i never found approving documents an attractive task. i like doing the analysis and preparing the reports better. however, it is inevitable. additional tasks means additonal working time and less time for my kids. something has to give for the others benefit. sigh.

yes, i am thankful for receiving these blessings. maybe this is my purpose in life. to raise my kids as God fearing and responsible individuals. i hope i can be successful in doing this. and when i am.....in the long run.....when they get to have their own families....what about me? could'nt help being a bit selfish about my own happiness. my bad.

(The Wreckers)

"Do you wanna run away together?"
I would say it was your best line ever
Too bad I fell for it
And I walked alone
Waiting for you to come along
Take my tortured heart by the hand
And write me off
Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind

You forced me to become strong
When I just craved being weak
Yeah,yeah
And you think you know
And I would like to think so
But do you know that when you go
I fall apart

Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind
No, You're not the good kind

I'm tired of hiding behind these blind eyes
I'm tired of this smile that even I don't recognize

Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind

Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind

Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind
No, you're not the good kind
Do you know I cry?

my kids are on vacation. brought them to their lola last weekend for the summer. better than them having to fend for themselves at home while i'm at work. (still no househelp...sigh) been running around like crazy to make sure that everything is okey before i leave my kids and making sure that i finish my daily tasks at work really fast so that i can head home and prepare dinner for them. been trying to find darna's "stone" i'm sure it could help...hahaha

so now that i don't have worries of staying out late at work, i am beginning to get to breathe a little. but it gets really lonely when i go home. i miss having a riot at my kitchen and scolding my kids for fighting endlessly. hahaha...i miss my son who couldn't sleep without hugging me. he cried the first night that we were apart. i miss my eldest daughter for her concern about my health and about being overworked. i'm glad to have her around as i can depend on her to cook rice and any meal that can be fried.

ohhh...i miss my kids. they can be a handful sometimes, but it gets really really lonely without them. i decide not to have dinner coz i don't want to eat alone. (i wish it helps in keeping off the pounds..hehehe) i watch telenovelas until i fall asleep. and when i wake up in the middle of the night to check on my kids (force of habit) i sometimes wonder how long can i stand being home alone....

as usual, home alone. i was supposed to do stuff for my sideline so i brought home work. saturday, i was procrastinating. it was my only time to clean the house. so i scrubbed here and there. it took me the whole day to see the two rooms and my living room in a shiny and dust-free stature. i felt good. tired but accomplished. while taking a rest i put on memoirs of a geisha in my dvd player. nice movie, looking forward to reading the book.

bad thing was, i was up the whole night. my urticaria attack was so intense i had to take double dose of my meds. anti-histamine can really knock you out. i slept the whole day sunday. more than enough to make up for my lack of sleep during the night. i was out from 4 am to 5 pm. imagine that? i'm sure my kids were trying to call me up but i was in the dark the whole day....hahaha. well spent the night finishing a report for one of my sidelines. good thing i was up to it. finished it in no time.

well, i learned today that my staff weren't able to go to the outreach project our division organized recently. i was so disappointed. i assigned someone to take care of it. apparently, a glitch came up. i just felt it was so irresponsibly handled. geezz, such a bad way to start my monday.

at least someone has the initiative to give me a smile today. i got a text from a friend greeting me good morning. he had been giving me thoughtful messages the past days. i don't want to give special meaning to it. i'm just glad that he makes me feel good inspite of my lonely state right now. thanks Dave. you are such a good friend.

(Dishwalla)

Let me in
to see you in the morning light
to get me on and all along the tears they come
see all come
I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

lift me up
just lift me up don't make a sound
and let me hold you up before you hit the Ground
see all come
you say your all right
but I get the strangest feeling
that you've gone away- you've gone away
and will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

Don't give me up
don't give me up tonight
or soon nothing will be right at all
salvation
will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted

(Wickermoss)

My memory of him, brings the pain
The despair of being alone again
In one flash we were up in the air
But he lost his grip and went astray

His images ran here in my mind
Expecting again that he'll be mine
We met again my feelings were still intact


But he went away, and turned his back
But he went away, and turned his back

Insanity only relieves the pain
Left me like a fool soaked in the rain
A light shone down on me like
Falling leaves

As if to seek ( something for relief)
Something for relief ( something for relief)
As if to seek ( something for relief)
Someone to believe ( someone to believe)

Is this the love i seek through ages
The fantasy i've been longing for
He told me it would be for the best
To stay away and leave his mess

And leave his mess ( 3x)

(repeat i, ii)

******************************

this is for the most dense person i've ever met. i wish you well. and i hope that someday i will find my place in the sun too. thank you for the memories. it was a pleasure meeting you. i do not know why after all this time i kept hanging on. maybe it was because my pride got hurt. or maybe i still really feel something for you. i am not sure anymore. i've said goodbye a thousand times. but i always find myself coming back. foolish really. i think i've hurt myself enough. i've finally realized you don't need me in your life. you never did and you never will. i guess its time for me to accept that. so i can also finally open my heart to someone again. thank you...and goodbye.

i'm beginning to hate myself for feeling this way. dratz! i feel like i'm always starting from scratch. time to get up girl. you are way beyond this. stop feeling sorry for yourself. finish all these emo stuff and leave it all behind. the buck stops here! let go, take your stand, chin up and keep moving...don't look back....remember never look back...for the past could begin to haunt you again. and it will be a never ending cycle.

to love is to give and to receive....if you just end up giving and giving and giving...then sorry to say...you got the other end not loving you back. so stop making a fool out of yourself. you deserve better.

okey na ba drama ko today...i hate PMS. it makes me realize how stupid i can be...hahahah

"You can't choose your parents. You can't choose your children. But what you can choose is to make heaven here on earth."

Saturday was spent travelling to La union in the morning and watching marathon re-runs of 7th Heaven with my kids. I have always loved the plot of their stories. Its so real and it can really hit home. Cried my heart out when the Annie's father passed away. I can't help but remember my Dad.

Every facet of a relationship can be seen in the series. Couples, Mother-Daughter, Father-Son, vice-versa, between friends, etc. Involving God in the middle of all these can be profoundly felt. I think that is what I need. Been in the dark for sometime now. Yes it was a long, dark and winding tunnel. I sometimes think I'd never see the light. But deep inside, I know I will. With God's grace, I can and I will.

Sunday was my Lola's bday celebration. It's nice to spend time with my Dad's relatives. I feel like I am with him. He was close to his family. And he loved his mother so much. So I felt it was my obligation to continue his legacy. I went there to represent him. And I'm glad I did. (Inspite of the obstacles getting there.) After the party I went to visit my Dad's resting place. Offered him and my Lolo flowers.

Going back to Manila was a big hassle. Couldn't get a bus Sunday. So we decided to leave Monday morning. I wasn't able to report to work but I did not regret the trip I made there. I felt light-hearted after being with my Dad's siblings and my Lola. She was so happy with the surprise party we gave her.

But I have to go back....was not able to go to the beach. So near yet so far....sigh.

I miss you Dad, I knew you were with us in Lola's 90th bday. You have started organizing it in the first place. It was great. You should've seen Lola so happy. I know you are smiling down on us. I love you Dad.

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.

There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.

All the things you collected, whether treasured or

forgotten, will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.

It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.

Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies

will finally disappear. So too, your hopes, ambitions,

plans and to-do lists will expire. The wins and losses that

once seemed so important will fade away.

It won't matter where you came from or what side of the tracks

you lived on at the end.

It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.

Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter?

How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought,

but what you built;

not what you got, but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success,

but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned,

but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity,

compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched,

empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence,

but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew,

but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.

What will matter is not your memories,

but the memories that live in those who loved you.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered,

by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident.

It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters.

~Michael Josephson

my son's been bugging me to pick him up from his lola's place. (my inlaws) he said he was bored. well, he would be coz all he does at home is play PC games. and he couldn't do that there. madami daw bawal. he actually has three houses to choose from. my mother inlaws place, my mom's place, my ex's aunt's place. so i said alright, i will have them bring you to my mommy's place (my mom's). you can play PS2 with your cousin there. he suddenly was hopeful but said that i should pick him up in the evening. i said i can't cause no one will look after him at home. he said "oh my tinapay!" ughhh... kids!!!

so how can i fly to "farview" from my workplace when i left the office at 8 pm last night? na-uh, i had to head straight home. and then i had to leave early this morning coz i have a lot of rush transactions (urgent shipment, electricity of cell sites, etc...) to sign before the messenger can bring these to treasury. so i don't have time to prepare a meal for my son if ever he gets to stay with me. sigh. i'm running after life....it's good i was able to marry and have kids at an early stage in my life, with the stress i'm going through i doubt it if i have time to build a family.

well, i'm working on getting househelp before the school starts. i can't go on like this. i'm not darna you know. sometimes, my kids just makes these funny remarks that really makes me smile through the day. yup, they take my blues away.

you used to build walls, then someone said it was wise to build bridges. so you tried. and built one. being able to reach the other side was not that tough. but the bridge got neglected. both sides should've taken responsibility in taking care of it. but no, it got rusty and dirty. until such time that no one wanted to use it anymore. and then you decided to just burn it down.

you sit and look at the ashes. and wonder what really lead to its destruction. was it because it was taken for granted? or was it because it was stepped on so many times without being appreciated? now the other side seemed dark and unreachable. you stand up, walked away and decided never to look back.

now, its not a choice anymore between building walls and bridges. it was more of learning to be satisfied with what you have. learning to accept that walls are not wise to build and burned bridges are better than feeling cold whenever you reach the other side...if ever you get to reach it at all.

(amanda marshall - ost my bestfriends wedding)

It's time to let you go
It's time to say goodbye
There's no more excuses
No more tears to cry
There's been so many changes
I was so confused
All along you were the one
All the time I never knew
I want you to be happy
You're my best friend
But it's so hard to let you go now
All that could have been
I'll always have the memories
She'll always have you
Fate has a way of changing
Just when you dont want it to

Chorus:
Throw away the chains
Let love fly away
'Till love comes again
I'll be... okay

Life passes to quickly
You gotta take the time
Or you'll miss what really matters
Miss all the signs
I've spent my life searchin'
For what was always there
Sometimes it will be too late
Sometimes it wont be fair

Repeat Chorus

I won't give up
I won't give in
I can't recreate
What just might have been
I know that my heart
Will find love again
Now is the time to begin

Repeat Chorus

I'll be okay
I'll be okay
Can't hold on forever baby
Can't hold on forever baby
Can't hold on forever baby
Yea yea
I'll be... okay

so much has happened yesterday. actually, let me start with thursday. early in the morning i had a heated argument over the phone with my younger sister about my dad's estate. (again!) this time it was really bad. my sisters even went as far as threatening to sue me. they flooded my mobile with rude text messages and threats. i was sobbing the whole morning. it was really embarassing coz the whole wing at the office could actually hear me raising my voice and banging the phone a number of times. i was so frustrated and helpless. but i had to learn to get over it fast coz i need to tackle a lot of problems at work as well.

anyway, i decided to get off early at work to meet my bestfriend at metrowalk - elbowroom. some of our friends were there to play poker, while my bestfriend and i decided to have a few bottles of raspberry vodka cruiser while talking about what happened to me in the morning. i couldn't help it while i was sharing the whole thing to her i was crying the whole time. buti na lang the bar was dark since there was a band playing. i don't know...i surrender everything to Him. i know i tried my best to work things out as fairly as possible. but with the way they are all treating me, i feel that its not worth it. i'd rather have nothing than go through this hell they've put me in.

so that was how my thursday went. i got home at 3 am so i was a bit late at work. arrived at 8:15. got on the elevator some people were discussing something about a fire. i thought it was the past. apparently, it was still going on. when i got to our floor (16th) as soon as the elevator door opened one of my staff was running in the lobby and told me to run fast. our floor was full of smoke. so i knew that what was discussed in the elevator was actually presently happening at the 15th floor. imagine my disgust on our ground floor guards who didn't have the initiative to stop people from going up the bldg. we had to use the fire escape which was already full of smoke. we were coughing the whole time and it triggered an asthma attack. by the time i got to the ground floor i had to inhale some medicine to ease my breathing.

the fire was fortunately stopped in time from getting worse. although they had to fix the electricity in the bldg. we were instructed to standby. the jollibee area was full of the buildings tenants. waited for the mall to open up so that the employees waited around in different areas. before i was about to join my team in roaming around the mall i was texted by our VP to attend a division head's meeting re SAP academy that was held at the other bldg. darn i thought i would be able to at least get to watch a movie, relax for once.... the meeting started at 10:30 and ended at 12:30. it was fun to watch these leaders, all smart and intelligent debating the whole time. no one was about to give in. hehehe. i thought better than to give a piece of my mind. we were all hungry and it was useless hearing their runaround on the issues. i thought they could be easily and simply handled if only they were humble enough to compromise. sigh...

at 2:30 there still was no electricity so we had an early time off. yipeeee, thought of a lot of things to steer my mind away from my problems....went to Mendez in Makati to have a foot scrub and a facial. i wanted to get a body spa as well but i was really sleepy since i only had 3 hours sleep. so i went home and had a good night's sleep.

today, nothing extraordinary. went to bulacan for my sideline. now i'm home and with my son. (he was succesful in bugging me yesterday ) i think i'm doing good right now. tired and stressed out...but i feel better. i know that He will guide me in whatever burden that i have now. i've gone through so much in my life...i know i can do it with His help. Friends, i need your prayers for me and my family. may we find peace and love in our hearts to forgive each other...to let go of the past. Dad, if you can hear me...help me please.

this has been the most stressful week i have ever had in my 3 years stay in this company. i have confronted so many issues on top of the voluminous paperwork we have in my department. so busy that i have set aside so many things especially spending quality time with my kids. i get home so stressed and tired i can't even have a decent dinner.

today, one of my heroic acts to save my departments ass is to travel all the way to Trece Martirez Cavite to talk to BIR people who had been giving us a difficult time just for the COR issuance of one of our business centers. i have tried sending our messengers but i couldn't rely on them to talk their way out of the BIR mindset (revenue-moolah). the extreme heat going there, the un-airconed bus, plus the sudden rain outpour in Cavite just made me think if this was just not my day. well, i guess being able to get the COR made up for all the above hassles.

42 degrees celsius...that is the temperature outside that all of us had to endure. geezzz...

went back to the office to attend another meeting. i just feel so unhygenic after all the travel i went through during the day. sometimes i don't seem to be accomplishing anything (documentation-wise of course) except attending these meetings and troubleshooting so many issues. hello??? hindi po ako si darna!!!

tomorrow is our company outing. on our way to Fontana for an overnight stay. i used to be excited about it. but now, it seems that i am not looking forward to doing anything this weekend except to relax and stay in bed. i guess i'm just tired....and unclean....i need a bath to refresh. good luck to my skin, the dust i have faced today is just unbelievable. sigh

Lift your head, baby, don't be scared
Of the things that could go wrong along the way
You'll get by with a smile
You can't win at everything but you can try.

i am scared and it seems that everything is going wrong in my life. i wish i could smile and say that i will be okey coz i'm not. well, maybe not in the near future anyway. its not the winning really, its the things i should learn along the way.

i'm sick, i'm tired, i'm hopeless, but i say a prayer everyday. in this rut i'm in, He is the only one who can save me. but i am human, i hurt, i can only take so much pain. sometimes, i wonder if my prayer is getting me anywhere. i'm confused, i'm burdened, i'm alone...maybe i'm just not worth saving.

Lift your head, don't be scared....now its time to kiss away those tears goodbye....