if i lose all senses....would it mean i'd be insensitive to the intensity of what my heart feels?

if i lose my eyesight....would it mean that i won't see how better my world is when i'm with you?

if i lose my sense of hearing.....would it mean that i'd want to hear your voice less?

if i lose my voice.....would it mean that i will not be able to let you know how much i love you?

i could lose them all....sometimes i just wish i could.

i'm just hating myself today. i hate being ms. goody two shoes anymore. i have always thought of what would become of the others, but all i get are crticisms, bad judgement...etc.

if they think i am a bitch...i can be a bitch!!!

if they believe that i have turned my back on them...then i should start doing that now!

they are just stressing me out! damn! @#$%

i can't believe this is happening to us. educated, cultured people that we are. and here, we are clawing each other like vultures. what kind of family is this????

almost didn't make it to work today. i've got upset stomach. but i couldn't take a leave. reserving my leave for friday. going again to zambales with my kids and some friends. this time we are staying in a place near capones island. but will still drop by our friends house near crystal beach. the water kasi at crystal beach is not conducive for kids. pang-surfing talaga. the beach have big and strong waves. it can really knock you off your feet.

funny nga, i remember my friend japorms na japorms with matching two piece swimsuit tapos here comes the big waves...toinks....ayun puro gasgas yung behind nya...hehehe. my youngest daughter preferred to stay by the shore. laro lang sya ng sand....ayun sunog na sunog pagkatapos. well, okey lang yun. mawawala din naman after awhile, what's important is they enjoyed their summer vacation.

i really need this break....to get away from my stressful job and my unimaginable family. hoping to come back in a much more refreshed state of being. have to do some long term planning as well. a choice between living in the province (la union) to manage the businesses my dad left behind or staying in manila near my spiteful family and my stressful job. of course, living in the city has advantages that i really need to consider before finalizing my plans. and have to consider my kids...sigh

i can do this....i will survive.

"I have set the Lord always before me. Because HE is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. - Psalm 16.8"

talk about bad timing. the planned weekend get-away turned out to be...well, a very memorable adventure. the group decided to stay in a resort instead of our friends place as she is 8 mos on the way and we didn't want to be a bother. we arrived at the resort at 8:30pm last friday. upon checking the facilities, we were kind of surprised of how basic the cottages were...i mean basic as in papag lang and a place to eat. there was a shared washroom pero di bomba ang tubig. so everytime you need to use the john you had to make "igib". there was not even a door to close the place up. good thing was masarap ang hangin. the cottage was facing the beach. anyway, since we had no choice to transfer to another resort as the other places were full of people we decided to make do with what was there. for a 2 night and 2 day stay, we can manage. wala sanang problema if we have been more prepared. pero pwede na din. there has to be someone awake to guard our things round the clock. so me and my friends took turns, my son also participated naawa sa akin coz i got tired from the travelling.

the first night was uneventful, we were excited to go to capones island the next day. hoping that the storm would be gone by then. but the boatmen did not advise to push through with our plans as the uncalm sea threatens our safety. we were able to swim along pundaquit beach instead. my kids enjoyed the beach and the sand, although the waves were not that smooth, they enjoyed the new experience anyway. after our lunch we took a nap then went to my friends house in san narciso. she looks radiant. i'm happy for her. para lang syang nakalunok ng bola. we stayed there till dinner and contributed the crabs and sugpo we bought from pundaquit. afterwhich we went back to pundaquit and slept early.

we can hear the rough winds and the turbulent waves smashing the shore that evening. i was praying that the storm would pass soon so that we can go home safely. when we woke up early morning we saw boatmen tranferring their boats inside the resort. when we looked at the sea you can just imagine the shock of our lives seeing those big and strong waves. we couldn't even see the sand on the island anymore. they were like mini tsunamis. fear gripped me, i fear for the safety of my kids. without second thought the group unanimously decided to rush home. we didn't eat breakfast or take a bath anymore. we ate along the way and did our daily grooming stuff when we arrived manila.

well, we had no regrets going through all that. it was memorable and at the same time a learning experience for all of us. next time, when in doubt about the weather...choose the safest option. i'm just thankful to the Lord for keeping us safe from harm.

its been a year today since you met. you think that stars wars the movie was the best you have ever seen. from that day special moments happened. it started when he held your hand, then apologized the next day for being too forward. flattered, elated, silly, feeling everything at the same time. suddenly...its magic. yes, like the song.

but there always have to be a balance of things. negativity was inevitable. not really meant to hurt you, it just had to happen. in retrospect, you are just thankful you spent special times together. it has been awhile when you felt stranded. but in the process, you learn...you get to move on.

its not necessary to remind someone that you care. because when you have been shown that you are not needed, you don't have a choice but to wipe your tears, stand back and look away. you know deep in your heart, you deserve better than this. so you did everything to survive.

now, looking back, you are not sure what exactly is left of that past... 

"clouds move along the sky...but they are always there if and when you need them. to shelter you from the heat of the sun...or bring rain on days of drought. clouds exist, even without your recognition...without your need.- a friend"

okey...been reminiscin' quite a lot these days. i don't know why, i can't help it. well, i was just trying to remember the good times. i try hard not to overanalyze anymore...done deal na eh. in fact, i'm doing good really. i guess "acceptance" played a major role in my state of mind these days.

of course, when i get these hormone imbalance attacks, i rant and rave...pero hanggang dun na lang yun. as long as i know that i am not hurting anybody in the process...i'm good. although, it really takes so much effort to keep from blurting out emo stuff. o diba at least may effort.

i can say at this point in my life, i'm happy and contented with what the Lord blessed me with. bonus na lang if bigyan pa ako ng lovelife. pero i can actually live without it. i guess getting older makes us wiser...not just because of time but the experiences we go through.

it is important for me to have a sound support group...my kids, and great friends have been so helpful in making me get to where i am now. i know may ups and downs pa din...life is not a bed of roses. the thorns are there for us to feel the pain. because it is with this that we understand true happiness.

so bakit somewhere in the middle ang title? wala lang feel ko lang, bakit ba? hehehe