Entries for September, 2012

i will not pretend that i understand where you are coming from. coz i really don't. i can only speculate. and for fear of knowing too much (and getting hurt) abt what you are trying to say i'd rather not ask what it means exactly. all i know right now is that i simply want you to be happy. and although there are many times when i'd like to break my self-imposed recluse from you, i always had to stop and remind myself that i can never make you happy. and with her you have that opportunity - i will never ruin that chance for you. 

so here i am at the sidelines. no, not here to watch. i am not strong enough for that. i'm tired of hearing my heart break in a million pieces. so i've learned to detach. its easier for me this way. but i'm still just here in case you need a friend. as much as i'd like to deny this, i can't - i miss you. i miss what we have. sometimes i think abt you too  much that i can smell your scent. weird i know. but yeah it happens. 

but if what i'm doing right now can help you get ahead with her, i'm willing to make that sacrifice. it is more important for me for you not to blow your chance with her. i admit that there are a lot of times when i'd like to be selfish. when i all i want is to be with you. but i know deep inside that no matter how much i need to be with you, it won't be fair if its only me who can be happy. 

i have been keeping most of how im feeling to myself. setting my entries to Private status so no one can see how much i'm bleeding inside. i can't be selfish. i can't make you feel for me how i feel for you. so its useless to stand here and wait. 

......but i'm still here....just holller and you know i'd be there. 

Currently feeling: missing you
Posted by princess_bride on September 3, 2012 at 02:13 PM | dance with me

i never thought i would be interested in photography. i wasn't the artsy fartsy type. i don't have any inclination towards any kind of art. (well except music...but that's different) until i went to kota kinabalu, malaysia and met Nina a travel blogger who taught me the basics of using my point and shoot. she was carrying an SLR then. she said she misses the comfort of using a small cam. where she can automatically shoot without fiddling with the settings. 

so from there, i joined photowalks, photomarathons, workshops, etc. i am just a hobbyist and it took me a while to finally shift to an SLR. i still am trying to adjust to using this. Its quite bulky and i find it difficult still to manage the manual settings especially in dark places. i have lots and lots of materials to read but couldn't find time to focus on them. i got an additonal 50mm lens for portrait pictures. its a pretty good lens and can take good pictures in dark places. 

anyway, i tried putting up a photoblog here in tabulas but got it messed up so i ended up deleting it. made one in tumblr instead. hope i can manage to update it as often as  i can. i'm still a noob. its just nice to have some kind of diversion. i am actually enjoying it. this and travelling are hobbies i want to keep. now if only i can find time to travel soon....


Currently listening to: love songs
Currently reading: GOT 2
Currently watching: GOTS1E8
Currently feeling: creative
Posted by princess_bride on September 4, 2012 at 10:01 AM | dance with me

just realized that my previous photoblog link doesn't work.

so here's the correct one. 


Currently feeling: tired
Posted by princess_bride on September 4, 2012 at 10:30 PM | dance with me

i think i need more activities. i can't be idle. my mind goes on overdrive. been having a hard time sleeping. i can't even focus on reading a book or continue watching a series. para na akong zombie. oh my!

"You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it." -Albert Einstein

..........nababaliw na ata ako. i just feel so empty. 

Currently feeling: restless
Posted by princess_bride on September 5, 2012 at 03:41 PM | dance with me

Fifi: "What a fool I've been."

Lumiere: "But a fool for love, and there is no better kind."

~ Belle's Magical World

i have been suppressing my feelings the past few weeks. i'd rant here but in private. i would wonder abt a lot of things but would rather shut my mouth and spend sleepless nights than know the answers. why is life so complicated? why are we so concerned abt consequences? because we are human...because we are made this way. because we like to think that its better to do the right thing and make the morally correct decisions. 

but at the end of the day, i ponder on what could've been. i did my best and i think i also gave my best to make things work. i just could not be selfish and think of what makes me happy. how can one be truly happy when you know that you cannot give the other what they need? when you feel that what you can give is all superficial, and will not be able to hold things when it falls apart. 

the hardest part is, we've been here before. its like we never learn. i guess i was fool enough to believe that in time you can change how things are. that love was enough to fix the pain of the past. but it wasn't enough. whatever effort you give, no matter how passionate you can be, when there is no one who wish to receive, there is just no sense in giving. also, because you know that you need to receive something to be able to affirm that you are going somewhere and that you are doing something right.

yet here i am again lost and empty as ever...i wonder was i this broken before? i would like to believe that i have handled it better now. i think i am more accepting and more willing to step back. because what matters is the freedom you  have given the person to have that opportunity to be happy, and the chance to find whatever it is that they are looking for. yes, i have learned and i am learning still. and i know now that you don't need to forget the feeling, because you have proven that it will always be there. you have given...and it was enough. 

Currently feeling: thoughtful
Posted by princess_bride on September 6, 2012 at 09:35 AM | dance with me
Posted by princess_bride on September 6, 2012 at 02:17 PM | dance with me

Currently feeling: hopeful
Posted by princess_bride on September 11, 2012 at 11:02 AM | dance with me

When you stretch and your inner porn star moan comes out by accident....

But it happens. Funny lang talaga. hahaha

Posted by princess_bride on September 12, 2012 at 10:46 AM | dance with me

Currently feeling: mellow
Posted by princess_bride on September 12, 2012 at 01:37 PM | dance with me

i'm tired. tired of all the effort to suppress. tired of fighting against what my heart says. tired of trying to give up something that makes me happy. tired of keeping these tears at bay.

ayoko na! malapit na ako sumuko. but then what? am i ready to get hurt again? truth is, i don't care anymore. basta ang alam ko pagod na pagod na ako.

And if I don't need your touch 
Why do I miss you so much, tonight 
If it's just infatuation 
Why is my heart aching 
To hold you forever 
Give a part of me I thought I'd never 
Give again to someone I could lose 

If I'm not..............

Currently feeling: tired
Posted by princess_bride on September 14, 2012 at 10:32 AM | dance with me

i am smelling something fishy. i just have this weird hunch. well if its true, i'm happy for you.

i know exactly where i stand....and i think i'm starting to get used to being on the sidelines. not cheering though. with eyes closed even. 

....maybe it's time to walk away....

Posted by princess_bride on September 17, 2012 at 11:00 AM | dance with me

it's been a busy week. preparing my presentation for a conference call with the company's big wigs on monday. initial pre-work calls have been done to run through the presentation. so far so good. got compliments from the subregion head for doing a good job on my reports and analysis. now i need all the luck i can get for monday. i hope i dont get grilled as much as the other countries that have finished their calls with the global team.

reports have been based on P8 balances. meaning August results of operations. all the accounts in the balance sheet needs to be substantiated by aging reports, analysis on a per line item account. any old items needs to be properly justified. it was just a 12 page presentation but all those pages are heavy with attachments to support all the balances. been staying up late at work for this. at least somehow with compliments here and there, hard work is paid off.

aside from these reportorial issues, our office will be undergoing consolidation. we will retain one floor where we previously have two in the bldg. transfers will be done this wk and the cabling and all the techy stuff will be done on friday so we are all required to work from home to give way to these. still need to organize another call for friday. hope the doggies won't be too noisy for this. hehehe

after all these work stuff....i deserve to play hard! hope i can soon. now this is me making the first move. *hint hint* sana effective...tired of taxi dancing...to hell with whatever!

Currently listening to: say you like me - we the kings
Currently feeling: horny
Posted by princess_bride on September 19, 2012 at 03:36 PM | dance with me

Hindi talaga lahat ng gusto mo makukuha mo.

So the excitement was building the past few wks, and then just like that para kang binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. And realized that if you really meant something, even one insy winsy bit may paraan palagi kung talagang gugustuhin. Eh ganon talaga, no sense on whinning over spilt milk. Alam mo naman na dapat talaga ang lugar mo. 

I guess this is for the better....hindi na siguro talaga dapat. Sasayangin mo lang ang oras nya. Hindi mo na dapat hayaan na masaktan ka ulit...dun din kse papunta...and you know that very well. Tigas kse ulo mo. 

Hindi ka na kse natuto. Hayyyy...

Currently listening to: My heart breaking
Currently reading: Never let me go- kazuo ishiguro
Currently feeling: disappointed
Posted by princess_bride on September 29, 2012 at 04:09 PM | dance with me

“It’s not so bad now,” she said, even though the rain was as steady as ever. “Let’s just go out there. Then maybe the sun will come out too.” - Never let me go (Kazuo Ishiguro)

Posted by princess_bride on September 29, 2012 at 10:17 PM | dance with me
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