princess_bride

i was reading back at your journal and somehow followed how you have been chasing storms. its been two years, and still i know deep in your heart that you still love her. something i hoped you felt for me way way way back. but i know and i can feel that this is just platonic. and no matter how much i tried to make excuses for your inactions or insensitive remarks - you still manage to break my heart. i tried to keep my distance, for awhile, only to find out how much it hurts me more to stay away. 

i keep telling myself that i have to stop dreaming or hoping even. i am nothing to you, i am just a friend. a sounding board, an outlet. and i may tell myself now that i want to be happy with the time and memories shared, but up to what point can i take this? i look at the mirror again and tell myself, you've got nothing to offer, nothing. and its true, most often love is not enough. but who am i to complain? 

i don't know, but no matter how hard you try to be nice to me i feel so low, unimportant and insufficient. i said i don't want to entertain these thoughts. i just have to look away and treasure what little things you can share. i don't want to cry abt this anymore. i just don't know how far this glimmer of hope will take me. i have always been invisible. and without me around - no one really cares. 

i need to teach myself to stop caring and loving...maybe even feeling altogether.

princess_bride

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

remember one time when you posted on your fb status abt something on being alone and getting used to it. and then i texted that you shouldn't be feeling that way? well, now i know where you are coming from. there are times when you make me feel like that too. because i realized that even if someone is with you, willing to share time with you, but if that person is not the one you really want to be with, it is then that you feel alone still. 

sometimes i wonder, why am i still here? what do i really mean to you? not that i wanted something more than what we have. alam ko naman hanggang dyan lang ang kaya mo ibigay. and i wouldn't push my luck and just end up getting hurt and feeling rejected. kaya lang if i'm not here to inspire or to make you happy, if my presence does not mean anything - why am i still here?

because i am happy when i'm with you. but if you don't feel the same, what's the point? i can handle din naman non-complicated whatever-you-call-this status. just live by the day. and be thankful for what is shared. 

its just that....sometimes you just can't help but wonder. mindfuck!

princess_bride

To the pres of my support club: I miss you. Do you miss me too? I'm just too scared to ask and too afraid to hear the answer.