it's funny how many times i have attempted leaving tabulas but never had the guts to stick to my decision. why? too many memories here...the same memories that make me want to quit writing. hahah...pathetic i know. its just that i feel that this space is where i can be myself without the fear of being judged by my family or friends. uhmm, well long time friends i suppose. well, anyway i'm back...and if i rant again about quiting don't mind me...its just one of those freaking days when my hormones are going haywire. hahah

one more thing i have realized while i was gone, my failed attempts to make a good design out of my layout doesn't really matter. what really matters is that i can write just about anything, and kahit walang magbasa or magcomment or kahit yung mga kakilala mo ayaw na magsulat...ok lang. maibuhos mo lang ang nasa loob mo. masabi mo lang yung masasaya at malulungkot na moments ng buhay mo. and these things you can read back on, ipaalala lang sayo yung mga foolish decisions mo or yung mga successful points ng career mo or yung happy times with your family. kahit sino pa ang mangiwan sayo or lumimot sayo...marami pa din ibang tao na alam ang kahalagahan mo. and they are the ones that really matter.

ayan nagemote tuloy ako...hehehe 2009 na ...there are some things that really don't change. sigh.

moving on, i am never really fond of making new year's resolutions that will frustrate me when i cannot keep them...but then again, what the heck who cares? here goes:

1) i want to have at least one trip here in the Phils. a place that i have never been to before...top of the list - bohol. there is something about this place that lures me to it. maghahanap na lang ako ng kaladkaring friendship na pwede ko kasabay maglakwatsa dun.

2) i want to take my kids out of the country...HK (Disneyland) or Dubai....whichever comes first. =)

3) i am going to take a shot at getting a job within the same Company but outside the Phils.

4) i am going to continue my gym workout. had to freeze my account because of my surgery last Sept.

5) i am going to lose weight.

6) i am going to start our family forced savings. something we cannot touch for a long long time.

7) i am going to buy a new refrigerator (whirlpool) gusto ko "no frost" this time. kakatamad magdefrost eh.

8) i am going to keep my tabulas no matter what....hahaha

9) i am getting my bunso from her lola and let her study together with her adings by June this year

10) i am going to prioritize things/ people/ events that really matter

wow that was a long list. hahaha....looks like i have to work overtime to accomplish all these. anyway, it seems most of them are doable...some things may change depending on the "family plan/ priorities" for the year. anyway, contrary to what has been predicted...being born in the year of the Ox...2009 is not a lucky year for me. buti na lang naniniwala ako...that we make our own fate. and i know that this is my lucky year.  Happy New Year everyone!

i am groping for words. not even the silent tears that fall could comfort me when my other half just left again to a land very far away.

your absence left a void inside me that nothing and no one can ever fill or replace.  it was difficult to hold the tears. i didn't want to let you see me crying. i am now...i can now. i wish it was easier especially coz this is the second time. but it's not. and now i know i could never get used to this. to see you always leaving.

forgive me for being so emo and dramatic. its just so damn lonely without my one love within my reach.

ONE LOVE

(By Kilauea ft Connell Moss)

its just another day. i had to think of a million and one ways to divert my mind from thinking so much of you not being here again. our tv series dvd stocks were of great help to me. but i still miss watching them with you. i feel lethargic and i have to stop feeling this way and put a brave front for our kids. i know this is for us...for our future. i wish there was another way than having you leave all the time. i badly want to be with you...we all want to be with you. at home we are moving around like ghosts. feeling the huge difference when you are not around. you always made us laugh. always had a cheerful smile for everyone. i miss that. i miss you.

the day you left i worked when i got home. i know i was still on leave but i had to do something to not think about the empty void that hurts like hell inside. funny to still feel this way even if its the second time to send you away for work. silly as it may sound, mushy maybe....i really don't care. once again, you are my missing piece. it will be another difficult year here without you....but i will be waiting for you to come home....so that i will be whole again...one with you. meanwhile, i am sending a wife's prayer for Him to always keep you safe. you were the one with the stronger faith. the most God-fearing guy i have met in my life and i have always said na ikaw ang mas malakas kay Lord. may He always keep you away from temptation and enlighten you in every step you make.

hopefully, about the same time next year i can feel your arms around me again.....hihintayin kita.

we all have some point in our lives when we question God's purpose for making things the way they are sometimes to the point of blaming Him. we'd question our faith, doubt His presence and His love. we are human, and when adam and eve ate the forbidden fruit it was our independence from God that we all acquired from that one sin. but as experienced...days without Him in our lives is pure darkness. its like groping in the dark finding our way out. i speak for myself, it is how i felt during the "dark" times.

finishing the book "the shack" is just so illuminating. questions that have been bothering most of us were there simply explained like the answers were there all along. it should only take us to open our hearts and our minds to the truth. most of the time in the hustle and bustle of life we tend to take the little things for granted. we oversee the basic structure like our relationships. not only with family and friends but most of all with Him. how much we tend to underestimate the power of His love and forgiving heart. 

To quote the book. "God is a verb." Jesus now spoke again "I don't want tobe the first among a list of values; I want to be the center of everything. When I live in you, then together we can live through everything that happens to you. Rather than a pyramid, I want to be the center of a mobile, where everything in your life - your friends, family, occupation, thoughts, activities - is connected to me but moves with the wind, in and out and back and forth, in an incredible dance of being."

and the part that moved me to tears was the part about forgiveness. again to quote the book"I already told you that forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. when you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established."

to read more about this wonderful book pls visit theshackbook.com 

"so little time try to understand that i'm trying to make a move just to stay in the game i try to stay awake and remember my name but everybody's changing and i don't feel the same" ~ keane

all keyed up in anticipation...and then dousing your spirits in frustration. you ask yourself what is it that you want of this? i don't know maybe some hint that you were somehow needed....a different matter from the rejection you were very familiar with from the start. after all this time, you still don't get it. still clueless and oblivious to the truth. it still is not the same thing you have painted in your mind. you felt used and abused. it was your choice to be stupid anyway. you think its about time to get mad and push it away.

you feel numb. too much pain? regret maybe? or too much hatred .... hating yourself for all the stupidity. the buck has to stop here. you have to stop believing that the admiration and the feeling is still there. it was all shallow...skin deep. it was nothing...you were nothing. not even a dot in history. pathetic. there are no answers. there never will be. so just let it go.

years has passed....things changed....people change. everybody's changing....and maybe you did too.

For someone who was never there.....

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
you´ve been the only thing that´s right
In all I´ve done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can´t raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can´t raise your voice to say

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can´t raise your voice to say