"Another fresh new year is here . . .
Another year to live!
To banish worry, doubt, and fear,
To love and laugh and give!

This bright new year is given me
To live each day with zest . . .
To daily grow and try to be
My highest and my best!

I have the opportunity
Once more to right some wrongs,
To pray for peace, to plant a tree,
And sing more joyful songs!"

~ William Arthur Ward

this is a bit late for a new years post. i was fiddling with my keyboard yesterday trying to come up with something. but my first day at work this year got too stressful, i ended my day with a terrible headache and went home with a lot of stuff bothering my head. geezz...

well, today i wanted to start my day right. greeted a good friend a happy birthday (sowee if i woke u up ) and went to work trying to clear my head with all the clutter i was able to gather yesterday. sighh. mind over matter - i just have to remind myself to think positive and to learn from everything that has been happening to me.

on a different note, ever heard of policarpio st? its a street in mandaluyong with some houses full of lights and colorful displays. it is a few blocks away from where i live and i was only able to visit after new year. got myself some dvd's (julia robert's movies and one tree hill season 1-3) and took some pictures using my n80.

"Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped away into the next room,
I am I and you are you;
Whatever we were to each other, That we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used,
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we shared together.
Let my name ever be the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant,
It is the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.
All is well."
-Henry Scott Holland

it may be a bit morbit to discuss abt death at this time of the year. however, that is reality. it happens at the most unexpected moment. tomorrow will be the 1st yr death anniversary of my dad. so much has happened since then. relationships were broken, some were mended, others were left as they were before.

one thing is certain, he is not around to visit me anymore. to hug me or call me at work. the nearest i can get to him is through my dreams. it is not often that i get to remember them. but whenever it was abt him it was as real as my tears when i wake up in the middle of the night. i'd sob my way going back to sleep. i miss him.

i'm going home dad, to say my last goodbyes. yes, i will be there when a mass is offered for you. i will travel a hundred miles or so to be near your lifeless body buried in soft soil. i will light up another candle and silently pray for your eternal rest.

you will never be out of my mind. your memory shall live in my heart forever. i love you daddy.

got this idea while bloghopping. it goes like this - enumerate five things people don't know about you:

fear of heights - i always thought it was motion sickness that was my problem when at the age of 5 i vowed never to ride the rollercoaster or even the ferris wheel. i never enjoyed taking these rides not even in a very nice place like enchanted kingdom. my knees would wobble when i'd look down from a high place. and i remember crying during one of the rollercoaster rides with my dad and siblings.

un-domesticated - yes, i know how to go abt household chores. but given a choice, i'd rather lie down watch tv or read. i am not really into cooking. but i could always learn as long as i have the detailed instructions written somewhere.

techie geek - i got this from my dad. i have this thing abt gadgets. i'd rather buy a magazine abt gadgets than one abt fashion. i single-handedly repair my PC at home. i don't have the technical know-how but i get by. i'd add or replace a cd-rom/ video card and will install it on my own.

hypomania - i have mild to moderate bipolar disorder. although i haven't had it checked by a professional doctor. i know i have it. i read abt the symptoms and i can really relate. i am not proud of it and i am trying to control it. i doubt it if my family will understand what i'm going thru. but as long as i can handle it i'd be okey. (i hope...sighh)

certified couch potato - okey, i can work my ass off everyday but when its time to rest i have only three things in mind a) sleep b) read a book c) organize my mp3 list/ download new mp3s.... gad i'm such a bore!

so now you know....what about you? spread the meme...

i have blogged abt this guy a few times. remember my crush at work? okey so it was christmas - a season of giving. i purposely didn't plan to give him anything. i didn't want him to get the wrong impression. and then suddenly i got this text from him telling me that he had something for me at "pagdamutan ko daw" i had to ask a friend what it meant. hahaha

he gave me a red coin purse. sa totoo lang, kahit mumurahin yun i felt like it was worth a million bucks. pero i had to stop myself from making the wrong interpretation. maybe he was just trying to be nice and all. baka naman pareho lang ang gifts nya sa mga staff nya. so i shoved the "feeling special thought" aside. it doesn't mean anything. heck, it was christams everybody is entitled to give anybody something.

and then suddenly, i got this news from one of his account executives. i don't know if this girl know anything about how i felt for this person. pero i never gave her a hint about it. kahit na crush lang naman, mahirap na baka magka-issue pa. so she was sharing things with me. somehow this girl and i got connected - the guy who is courting her is the son in law of my boss. coincidence? i dunno. i'd say its a crappy situation to be in.

anyhoo, nagshare sya that she had a misunderstanding with her boss. and one thing lead to another tapos biglang lumabas yung issue na kinakatakot ko - yung crush ko was having an affair with one of our sub-contractors. shet parang bumagsak ang langit when i learned abt it. not that i am judging him for having this relationship pero ewan ko bigla akong nawalan ng gana. iniisip ko nga kung ano ba 'to - insecurity, jealousy? ewan ko basta nakakainis!

aside from that i learned of things about him na hindi ko ma-imagine na ganon pala sya. i guess i looked up to him and respected him and it devastated me to be aware of his weaknesses. i'm not saying that i'm perfect, pero for i guy to have the attitude that his staff know abt him parang di ko matanggap.

of course there is always two sides of the story, problem is i couldn't bring it up to him without putting the person who confided in me to apparent danger. i know he is wondering why i am keeping my silence and my distance. i can see by his look from afar. the stolen glances were trying to ask me what's wrong...or whatever...i just might be imagining things here. sighh.

its better this way....i hate it when i am helpless. i hate to know how vulnerable i am when it comes to him. shit sel grow up!

â??In time of sickness the soul collects itself anewâ?? ~Latin Proverb

I have been reflecting on a lot of things the past few days. Work-related and otherwise. I almost lost myself in the process. I didn't like myself then. Grabe, I never thought I could turn into such a bitchy person. I don't know if it was because of these meds I have been taking. (yeah, i know -- excuses!!!)

Well, anyway after getting sick for a week. I have finally come to terms with my "old" self. Gosh I thought I'd never make it. Sometimes a humbling experience is all you need to get yourself reflecting and realizing what's wrong with you.

I have bent out my anger on my family and my staff. I have said a lot of things that I regret afterwards. And then my warfreak hubby who usually add fuel to the fire suddenly became wise and gave me advice that I never expected from him.

Maybe he was enlightened because there was this point when I prayed for His intercession. I felt hopeless and helpless. Siguro binatukan ako ni Lord. Hehehe...

Now that I'm back on my feet again, I plan to keep this up. Always take time to reflect on myself, on things I have to improve. I know I can't please everybody, but its good to try to always be my charming self. Naks naman diba. Ayos sa bilib sa sarili! Hehehe...

CRISTINA: "There's a club. The Dead Dads Club. And you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize. But until you feel that loss... My dad died when I was nine. George, I'm really sorry you had to join the club."
GEORGE: "I... I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't."
CRISTINA: "Yeah, that never really changes."

~ Grey's Anatomy

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i've been thinking - most of my friends have father's who have passed away already. so i guess we have this bond that we share when it comes to death and fathers. i don't know - i can't help but miss him a lot.

last night i was watching a scene from this teleserye i've been watching. Eli was hugging Dadduts in a morgue. and i remember this scene more than a year ago. when i was in a morgue and hugged my dad real tight.

the embalmer warned me not to hug him too tight or he might break or something. i really didn't care then. i was trying to convince myself that i was actually in a dream. only to find out that he actually met an accident and that he was really lifeless - he can't hug me back anymore.

i have issues in letting go. especially with people who means a lot to me. yeah, maybe i'm still trying to teach myself how to exist without my dad around anymore. maybe, i will never learn....

i miss you daddy....so much it hurts!