CRISTINA: "There's a club. The Dead Dads Club. And you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize. But until you feel that loss... My dad died when I was nine. George, I'm really sorry you had to join the club."
GEORGE: "I... I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't."
CRISTINA: "Yeah, that never really changes."

~ Grey's Anatomy

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i've been thinking - most of my friends have father's who have passed away already. so i guess we have this bond that we share when it comes to death and fathers. i don't know - i can't help but miss him a lot.

last night i was watching a scene from this teleserye i've been watching. Eli was hugging Dadduts in a morgue. and i remember this scene more than a year ago. when i was in a morgue and hugged my dad real tight.

the embalmer warned me not to hug him too tight or he might break or something. i really didn't care then. i was trying to convince myself that i was actually in a dream. only to find out that he actually met an accident and that he was really lifeless - he can't hug me back anymore.

i have issues in letting go. especially with people who means a lot to me. yeah, maybe i'm still trying to teach myself how to exist without my dad around anymore. maybe, i will never learn....

i miss you daddy....so much it hurts!