i know i've been slacking when it comes to updating my blog. i just can't seem to find the purpose in doing it anymore. i lost the fire...i lost the inspiration. at one time i simply can't bring myself to rant about anything meaningful. i didn't want to lose myself in a weblink. i am human, i feel, i hurt, i love. somehow i felt that some reduce my "being" in a website. and i hated it. i am more than this. i deserve more than this.

pffttt...okey, so i let that out. i guess being angry can start the fire burning. i didn't want it to be like this. but i can't seem to get through it. i know i should stop being frustrated at things that i can't control. but sometimes i can't help it. i thought silence can somehow make me learn to heal. as usual, being me, i just couldn't let it stride. some can just be so insensitive at another's needs.

maybe i am being too selfish or to selfless....i don't know. its tiring to always be the one to exert effort to make something work. maybe its time to just accept the fact that the special times shared in the past is gone with the wind. i should stop hanging on to something that wasn't there in the first place.

alright, i should be ending this now....ayoko na talaga!

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greater accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

okey, maybe i did overreact...maybe i was too emotional about things lately. it happens often though. i guess its mainly because i am a passionate person and i fight for what i believe is right. although i admit that more often than not i talk too much...or feel too much. well, they say that anything in excess is not good. if that's the case then i don't know what to do about me anymore.

i've been into this argument (again) with someone at work. it seems that the past few weeks, this person always gets in the way. presents petty stuff to argue about. and the funny thing is, i actually (pitifully) argue back. wasting all time, effort and energy in bouts of heavy discussion on issues that could've been easily talked about sitting down (calm and smooth). well, its beyond me how it seems to me that my world is getting smaller everyday. (hmmm parang song yun ah)

i guess i'm just expressive about how i feel and what i think. sometimes to a fault. oh goodness, this could be signs of being burnt out at work. geezzz...i think i need a vacation.

all i was asking for was the friendship that we promised each other before.maybe i was asking too much. i was just a phone call/ text/ email away....but i guess i was just a waste of time.

how can i be such a clutz? i've hurt myself while skinning indian mangoes...geezzz....howell, the delicious taste compensates for the pain and the excessive bleeding (eeewwww)....

happy weekend peeps! looking forward to ....getting some rest this time. oh, i almost forgot i have to go to hagonoy tomorrow. sighh...

anywayz, hope to be in a more cheerful state next week...kita kits sa mata. heheheh

(Jan Arden)

How do you cool your lips
after a summers kiss
how do you rid the sweat
after the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
from the romantic glare
how do you block the sound
of a voice you'd know anywhere

Oh, I really should have known
by the time you drove me home
by the vagueness in your eyes
casual good-byes
by the chill in your embrace
the expression on your face
that told me
you might have some advice to give
on how to be
insensitive

How do you numb your skin
after the warmest touch
how do you slow your blood
after the body rush
how do you free your soul
after youve found a friend
how do you teach your heart
its a crime to fall in love again

Oh, you probably wont remember me
its probably ancient history
Im one of the chosen few
who went ahead and fell for you
Im out of vogue, Im out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
some advice to give on how to be
insensitive

*************************************

i love this song. actually this is a repost from my old blog. the song has this certain something that draws women to it. (hmm bakit kaya?) ang sarap pa kantahin sa videoke. *emote...emote*

 

i've been thrown my first ever and most memorable hypothetical question when i was first year college. that's more than a decade ago actually. it was asked in a letter by a guy classmate. he was actually "kind of" courting me.  hahaha...well the question was, if ever he'd say he loved me would i say i love him too? i had a crush on him, but i had a boyfriend that time.

my reply was - well, maybe yes, if at the time you asked it i am free and available. the next thing i knew he was courting another classmate who also had a boyfriend then. hahaha...mabuti na lang kahit na i was so tempted to say a straight yes, i still had the presence of mind to do the right thing.

well, i could say that he was the guy who got away in my life. my sis gets to talk to him in the states and he said that sayang ang ate mo kse nagmamadali mag-asawa. hahaha...yup, he's still single till now. well, maybe if he'd see me now baka magbago isip nya. i look really different now compared to how i look when i was younger. super payat ko kse nun. ughhh...ngayon naman nabaliktad. hahaha....

wala lang, i just remembered how good  i felt and how confused i was then. well, i guess its bound to happen. it taught me a lesson that i'd never forget. love hurts...love wounds...love scars...but wounds heal and scars are just reminders how much you have loved and lost...and that its always good to get to know and welcome the feeling again.

 

it must be the weather. seems that a lot of people at work caught the virus. and uhuh, i'm one of them. aside from the terrible heat outside, our office aircon is busted for a month already. don't know what's taking them so long to fix the problem. but i swear that this environment is hazardous to our health.

so got stuck at home in bed for 3 days. tried working last monday but ended up going home early coz  i could not concentrate at work. just had to iron out some things in my OPEX report then i rushed out the office in the afternoon. a doctor friend checked up on me and said it was bronchitis that got me.

i feel better today although i still have fireworks inside my chest. terrible cough. at least the fever and the body ache are gone. the cough i can handle. i just hope i won't spread the virus at work. kawawa naman sila if ever.

i wasn't able to catch up on my reading though. i did sleep a lot. my kids were worried coz i was left alone most of the time since they have to go to school. the first two days i hardly could eat or move a lot. i stood up only when i had to do my stuff in the washroom. otherwise i was always in dreamland.

i think it was also God's way to let me get some rest. i never stop working. i have office work, sideline and household chores to attend to. though i am not complaining. sometimes i just feel that i get left behind by a lot of things.  nothing major though, (well i'd like to think so)...basically its just movies, reading, time with friends...ano pa ba? love life...hahaha..meron pa ba akong ganon? parang binura ko na sa listahan ko. problema lang kse eh.

i did try to work things out...but i miss my independence. and i realize that i didn't want to stick it out for the wrong reasons. i want to be happy...and i think at this point...i can handle it on my own.

so lovelife...ganito sya sa listahan ko

lovelife

it has been awhile since i last watched a movie. been buying some dvd's from time to time and i noticed that dust is already covering them. so yesterday, decided to stay at home and watched 3 dvd's (brokeback mountain, d' anothers and fun with dick and jane) well, nothing spectacular abt them. d' anothers brought laughter around the house. my kids love slapstick comedy. if you can't beat them...join them. hahaha couch potato!

saturday was sideline time. still not used to the length of time it takes for me to get to Hagonoy and to go home. 2 hours each time. feels like so much waste of time. i don't mind the work. its just the travel that's killing me. sigh. feels like i'm going through a grinding machine. the coughing and colds added to the burden.

two weeks since  i last saw binky. (my youngest daughter) last week was exam time had to guide my two older kids in their review. this weekend i needed to take some rest. or else i'm going to break down again. always pushing myself to working double time. defense mechanism i guess...to beat the loneliness. tsk tsk tsk...i need a social life...but my schedule can't afford it right now. being out of househelp is one more reason why my schedule gets so cramped up.

hahaha...yup, i work like a horse. only get to rest when i'm sick. mabuti pa ang kabayo may nagaalaga. howell, i can't dwell on this right now. it was still my choice why i live like this. and if i want to be happy...it would still be my choice.