bakit ba tinatamad ako magsulat? ang dami ko gusto sabihin pero di ako makaisip ng tamang paraan pano ko isusulat. malamang dumating ako sa punto na sobrang napagod ako. at di lang sa trabaho. dahil kahit sa mga kaibigan at kakilala ko iniwasan ko. hindi naman sa ayoko sa kanila....gusto ko lang mapag-isa.

may mga bagay talaga na kahit ano ang pilit mo - di talaga pwede. yung tipong alam mo sa puso mo na hindi talaga mangyayari kahit lumuha ka pa ng dugo dyan. nakakawala ng loob. lahat ng paghihirap at sakripisyo binigay mo...lahat ng pagpapahalaga buong puso mo at kaluluwa binigay mo...wala pa din.

tingin ko yun ang nangyari....napagod ako. napagod sa pagbibigay ng walang kapalit. napagod sa paghihintay sa wala. napagod sa di pagpapahalaga sa lahat ng ginawa ko. hanggang dumating ako sa punto na ayoko nang lumingon sa nakaraan...di ako makagalaw. nakatayo lang ako at pilit tinatanaw ang hinaharap.

kung binigay lang ang nararapat....kung binigyan lang ng kaukulang pansin...kung natutunan lang akong pahalagahan...ayoko nang umasa ulit. ito na ang pagkakataon na matuto na akong bumangon sa kinasidlakan kadiliman ng nakaraang mga araw...buwan...hindi ko na matandaan.

ah basta....bukas ako ay ngingiting muli at magsisimulang gumalaw patungo sa di siguradong hinaharap. bubuksan muli ang puso sa maraming kulay ng pag-ibig at pagkakaibigan. bukas....bukas.....may pag-asa pa.

"it must be difficult to be everything to everyone." - laforts

its what a close friend said when i suddenly came gushing out with the news that i am depressed. all the signs were there. and i was in denial. i said i was lonely and missing my hubby so much. i needed to be taken cared of too. and she said....

"you just need THE ONE to take care of you in the manner that you need to be taken care of."

i agree....my husband is the only person who can fill the void. he is my missing piece. and the sad fact is...he is a million miles away from me. and i have to keep a strong front until he comes home next year. yes, two freaking years of waiting, wanting and needing. and i don't have a choice but to pull this through.

i said i can manage...i have always wanted to be independent...i am strong....but tonight after keeping it inside and trying to sleep it out...i broke down. cried like a baby and said it out loud that i miss him....i miss him badly.

i am not as strong as i seem to be - the simple things that we take for granted - a hand to hold, a hug at night, a phonecall to ask how i am in the midst of a long tiring day at work - these little things are the things that i miss the most.

i may be able to count the days until you come home, but still it won't change the fact that i am not complete without you. because the truth of the matter is - we are one. and this empty void we feel while we are apart will only change when i can actually hold you close to me.