"when you lose someone you love, you don't lose them once...you lose them in pieces." - simon birch

went into this crying bout the past weekend from watching three movies from star movies. (geezzz redundant) i miss my dad terribly. its not true that when you've been good to someone and that you've said and shown that you love that person most of the time that it would be easy to let him go. its been 7 months and i still cry like a baby when i think about him.

i wish i could be given one more day with my dad. i miss bear-hugging him. he was not the sweet kind. in fact, he was very aloof and he seem to be afraid to show his emotions. but that never stopped me from reaching out to him. even after learning that he made this stupid mistake of hooking up with an officemate which bore a halfsister who looks so much like me. i listened to him.

my mom has this tendency of declaring martial law at home. of course with what my dad has done she declared that we cut all connections from my dad. she even told me not to let him in my house. wtf? i'm not a kid anymore. i have a mind of my own and besides how dare she tell me what to do....i pay my rent, its my house. i was 28 yrs old when it happened.

that event started this rift between me, my mom and my siblings. i never condoned what my dad has done. but i saw how hard he tried to work things out. can't blame him and i can't blame my mom for feeling that way. it was their ireconcilable differences that finally broke their wedding vows.

when my dad died not even one of them went to his funeral. i was grieving alone. only with my aunts who went home from abroad and my 91 yr old grandmother who were there to comfort me and help me out in dealing with my dad's demise. grief-stricken i had to gather all the courage to be able to go through burying him, filing the case etc without my family. of course even with my aunts and grandmother around it would have been more easy for me if my mom and sisters were there.

its a done deal. and everything went from worse to unbearable after he died. i have been declared an outcast from my family. been stuck in a web of lies and deceit. only to find out that on their side, it was the other way around. how painful it could be to hear your mom say that she regrets giving birth to you and that i am not welcome in the family anymore.

i lost my dad....and then i lost my mom...and then my siblings. i still grieve...and i grieve alone.