last nite an old friend dropped by my place, she was (as usual) having problems of the heart. but this time, compared to our usual chitchats during these times of her life she was no longer in tears. well, it was scaring her for what if losing the feeling comes after? it was after all a dysfunctional relationship. not that i have judged them for having it. i just thought they were both adult enough to handle the dynamics of such situation.

speaking of dynamics, we talked about other things last night like losing someone special through death or distance or incompatibility.... the works. it was observed that whenever we lose someone the dynamics of your relationships change. due to a lot of factors, one could be realizing how much you miss that person that you have taken for granted while he/ she was around. afterwhich, you tend to adjust to the fact that you have to deal with what's at hand. basically, it revolves around learnings/ realizations of mistakes that you don't want to happen again.

and then she asked me, have you accepted the painful things that happened in the past. i said yes, and then she said really? think it over. it struck me how in denial i have been. of trying to keep a brave face....of keeping the tears from falling inspite of the pain i feel...she was right....the dynamics has changed and i was left inside the old cycle. it isn't going to be easy. i have lost people i hold dear in my heart too many times...i pretended to be strong....and accepting. but deep inside i was a mess. i will never be the same person i was before. i don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing. but i hope its the former.

well, i have to start somewhere....i guess i just have to admit that right now i am vulnerable and i need to absorb the immensity of the pain i have been trying to hide from people. i need to let it out....and deal with it not hide from it.

Do what you have to do
(Sarah Mclachlan)

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rule of love
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you do

I had the sense to recognize
That I don't know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
However swiftly moving
I'm trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do

And I had the sense to recognize
That I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
A glowing ember burning hot, burning slow.
Deep within I'm shaken
By the violence of existing
For only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
And I had the sense to recognize
That I don't know how to let you go
But I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go.